I’ve been off my feet and out of training as well as video production for the last week.

I was pretty disappointed, as I was on a groove with training. But when everything lined up the way it did, I knew the universe was providing a pause for me. The truth is, between the emotional experience of the last two years combined with a continuous weekly video production schedule; a new, intense taekwondo training schedule, and everything else in my life, I was feeling pretty harried, lately. There’s no doubt about that. I definitely needed some kind of break. So, hey! Why not a rib?

FOR MATTER OF PERSONAL RECORD

Before I got the message my brain was trying to send me, I tried to push through the pain of of the injury—which, by the way, is nothing major as far as I can tell—but after the Tuesday night session at the dojang, I felt worse. This is four days after the initial night where I got popped hard in the ribs at the end of a tournament training class (sparring).

So I went home and tried to find a proper suspender wrap method to damp out some of the pain, but was left in the end feeling a bit winded and annoyed. And ridiculous. I think it was all that gleaming, toothy metal. Or perhaps just a natural consequence of wearing suspenders sideways.

It’s times like this you suddenly thank your ribcage. Curling around your most vulnerable parts like an ivory fist, protecting your organs from the many things that would crush or bump or squeeze them in a day. They are rather amazing. Bone, and yet arranged in a way and woven together with muscle so they are flexible enough to move a bit when you breathe, and bend.

I’ve been reading about symptoms and diagnosing myself for many years…it’s because of my mother. I grew up around PDRs and anatomy books and her being a nurse all my life. I long ago became good at taking note of symptoms, when they began, in what context, and many details about the new sensations or body changes that might be useful in diagnosing. Those were the questions my mother would always pose to me when I came to her with news of an injury or illness.

After reading about fractured ribs, it seemed a good possibility. In any case, it was not a good idea to risk heart or lung damage, as one of the pain spots is in the front, over my heart. (“Fractures of the higher ribs potentially pose damage to the aorta.”) It was lines like that that decided it for me. But for those first four days, I was doing my stubborn thing that I do with my body. Ignoring the pain.

Then again, when you are practicing daily to not let the mind interfere with your training with all its pain and lazy signals on a constant basis, it needs to raise the volume when there is real danger.

Even as it heals, I don’t know if it was cracked or fractured or just bruised or what. I think maybe it is not fractured. I’m guessing it got hit hard, and bruised, or perhaps jammed back into the muscles like a jammed finger.

Or maybe it is just a tiny hairline fracture that has knit itself fast using all the jalapeño juice I’ve been feeding it. I don’t know for sure. As the hospital is charging me $600 for a bandaid and five minutes of their time already, I don’t dare go in for an actual X-ray type situation. Some Tiger Balm and later, hot shower time and one more day of rest oughtta do it.  I can’t take much more than that anyway! I’m feeling so restless.

DRAWING THE SEAM OF SUMMER SHUT

Speaking of my foot, it is nearly entirely healed. The wound is nearly all closed over with scar. And the part where boiled water splashed on me peeled away, leaving a rather interesting patch of  lighter skin on my summer-tanned foot. I have not thrown out the broken culprit cup. I loved that pretty blue cup. It’s that bright, translucent blue. The color of the bottles you’d see on windowsills in houses in the country. I guess I’ll glue it together. And use it for something. Not for drinking, though. It has lost that privilege.

I woke up at 4 this morning and soon had an idea on script  for new video. Scribbled down all my thoughts. Talked out a rough draft of the monologue, recorded it for reference later. I’ve also been doing more work for Digital Stoneworks, for our game. That seems to be picking up a little. Looking forward to making progress on that. This next week will be back to work on a few fronts, but at a slower pace than previously. A slower and more attentive pace.

Hey. I also solved the Sage of the Wind Temple in Zelda:Wind Waker, and restored the Master Blade’s power to dispel evil. Which is very cool.

And I formally received my stripe and certificate for this last belt test. I’d already memorized Taegeuk Sa Jang in the week I set out to do. Now to keep practicing it, refining it. The hardest part is the first remembering of it. The whispery skeleton of vines upon which you’ll soon hang thunder. That first imprint is a watering. That is the precious sapphire secret in the bud.

the last post on taekwondo that i wrote mentioned my right hip. that has healed, and my thumb (recently jammed up when i got kicked in the hand) is nearly healed. my foot…did i write about that here? i think not. here’s a link, tho there’s blood involved, so if you’re not into that sort of thing, skip it. suffice to say that pouring tea, my cup broke and splashed boiled water onto my foot along with a chunk of glass that gashed me into the layers of fat in my foot.

that’s finally healed enough to not require a bandage when i sleep or walk around the house, though since it’s so wide open (ER wanted to stitch it, i said nah) it will take a while to scar over hard. that one was obviously not from training, tho it sure does get in the way of training. for one thing, i did that to my foot two days before my belt test! i wasn’t sure on that day if i’d blown it for myself, after all it took about 8 hours to stop bleeding. but i tested anyway, which included sparring. there was no way i was going to miss that test and then spend two more months preparing when i had practiced hard and was ready to go right then. it went well. bled a little, but i had my foot bandaged, and though we’ve not got our certificates or belts or any indication to the results of the test yet, i’m confident in saying i passed.

especially since yesterday, master lee let me begin learning Taegeuk Sa-Jang, after watching me perform Taegeuk Sam Jang one more time. i love it, especially the Jebi Poom Mok Chigi (combo knife-hand inside strike to the neck in conjunction with high knife hand block). been practicing and trying to remember that one since last night. if i’m going to double test and double train from now until october, that will require my centering martial arts even more than before.

which i am fine with. i don’t want lots of do-nothing time, nor do i want to keep filling my time with what i have in the past. staying in touch with the political scene enough to do my weekly News With Nezua videos is fine. any more than that and i’m just gonna be ill. the political scene, cultural scene in the USA these days is sickening, absolutely disgusting. it’s poison. so i don’t mind at all turning away from that, and anyone who has been paying attention knows i’ve been turning away from it for a while.

also i have no interest in putting so much energy into women online (or in person) as i may have in the past. and when i say the past, i mean for the last handful of years. (decade? let’s be real…decades) we see what that led to, and anyway, it was mostly reaction. reaction to a loneliness from long ago, reaction to misdirected thirst, reaction to my own confusion about where i was at. about ethnic identity, about aging. about commitment, change, and so on. as i’ve said before, i always insist on paying top dollar for my lessons. but then, i own them and i truly value them. they are mine. and this one has been a long, long time coming. i’m sure i’ll write on it more. but i may save most of that for a book i’m working on.

in fact, looking back at posts i’ve written a while ago (wow, february of 2009???) remind me that this winter i feel i’ve traveled through in coming to a new spring has, in actuality, been more than one winter; it has taken years. i fix on one line from that post i just linked: i have not fully emerged from what feels like this cocoon of change.

at this point, finally—and it seemed like forever that i was moving toward here—i feel i have. and yes, of course there will be other plateaus. but for now, this is good. feels good. stronger, more centered. less compromised.

and my life has become much simpler. i’ve finally learned to live on my own, which is no small feat, as i’ve lived with women since i was about 17. it was either the street, institutional life, dorms, or shacked up with a girl. (hell, even in the dorms i was shacked up with a girl!) until i was 40, i never even had my own place. and it was needed. i needed to learn how to be with myself, how to pay my rent and bills, and do stuff that i guess you are supposed to be figuring out in your late teens or early 20s. typically. then again, i’ve never been typical. but for the last year and half or more, i’ve lived here all alone. there’s been a lot of loneliness and a bit of pain. and of course, it couldn’t have happened any other way. but i’m not there in that pain anymore. or in that shame. mostly because i see that i had to travel through what i did to get here. to act as if i didn’t learn the lesson, or to repeat the mistakes? that would be shameful.

today all i really want is to work on my art, enjoy my children, and train in taekwondo. i don’t want to be famous, i don’t want an entourage of women, i don’t want a lot of the distractions i thought i once did. granted, i do want to be with someone. i do long for affection and intimacy. still. but i don’t mind spending time with myself, or working on myself. i’m in better shape mentally, emotionally, and physically then i’ve been in a long, long, time. and i’m proud of that. i have a lot more to offer someone, and more so, i am more content and less distracted and my energies are purer and stronger because i’m not bleeding them out left and right. and i’m not using anyone to try and fill myself or sublimate needs.

i might not need to be rich, but i do still want a better income. i’m tired of being broke as hell. i applied to one local TV PA job yesterday, which i’ve not done for a long time. i make money enough for rent and a few bills and for me and luna in TKD with what i get from my weekly NWN vids, and that’s been good enough for a while, although it leaves nothing extra. but that’s not doing it anymore. not sure where i’ll find more income, but i will.

also, i think i’ll paint my walls. this apartment has been thought of a few ways by me. mostly as transitional, though. and i’ve been here for years now. 3? 4? a while. and if i can’t have a lawn, then dammit, i’m going to make these walls colorful.

now i’ve got to spend time editing video, and later, going to the dojang.

i have to be careful i don’t aggravate it. i have a weird response at times to my body not doing what i want it to, or continuing with some kind of pain or frustration. i tend to want to dig at it, to hurt it more in my anger, in my annoyance at the part of my body holding me back. as if to spite it. not a very smart reaction. it’s as if i say “oh yeah?? not gonna let me do that? well watch this, i’ll do it and THEN some!” of course this juvenile and angry reaction will lead to further or longer injury, if anything. so yeah. trying not to give in to that impulse. just really can’t wait for it to heal up. until then i’ll have to take it easy on all side kicks, hook kicks, and round house kicks made with the left leg.

time to bike to the dojang now.

i haven’t mentioned my lungs lately. or the tension i had been carrying in my frame. remember, both of these were my first challenges upon beginning training again.

after the last comments on that tension, i stopped thinking about it. as i wrote. i just decided to be easy. hard to articulate some of this stuff. but even awareness is a tension. you’ve introduced it into rote before, into patterns, into rituals and the moment you become self aware, you trip yourself up. the moment you begin thinking about how well you are skating or balancing, or something, is the moment you usually fall or stumble. just that awareness brings a rhythm of its own, a stress, a pull. sometimes you have to find ways to trick your mind into distracting itself away from what you are trying to do. stutterers have tricks like this, too. and athletes probably know how to reach this pure state, where you are in the doing of something, and the thinking of it has been put away.

i decided to be easier in my approach in a few ways. but i think some of these things just need time, too. you can think all you want about them, write about your thoughts, and imagine you are intellectually managing them…but some things just require time. training and time. and for you to not obsess about them.

i’ve not yet heard that particular comment since. about my relaxing, or being too tense. that doesn’t necessarily mean i’ve overcome it…but i think it does show progress. i think i have relaxed a bit. i’m feeling a little inarticulate this morning…i went to bed late and woke up too early. but if i were a bit less tired, i’d probably be able to segue from here very nicely into the next topic: abdominal strength.

sabum spoke recently on the importance of strong abdominal muscles. don’t know if i mentioned this, or if so, where. but he spoke of how the speed of your kicks comes not from your legs, but your abs. that seemed an astonishing thought to me. i always focus so much on the snap-back of a roundhouse, for example. because i know the faster that snap-back, the more of a sting the kick makes. but then i thought about master lee’s words as i went through the next few days and realized the truth of what he was saying. your first move in these kicks—even if it’s not a pivot (yup chagi [side kick], dolrya chagi [roundhouse]) and only chambering or lifting leg first (ahp chagi [front kick], nehryuh jeek gi [ax kick]) the first group of muscles to spring into action are the abdominals. i realized that the weaker they are the more they shunt the work to the rest of the body. so if your abs are tight and strong, you can whip your hips fast as you pivot, which makes your roundhouse kick spring out of nowhere. (same thing with a fast step forward/stance shift; it’s all ab muscles that make it explosive or not.) but if they are not, you will tend to throw the leg more to simulate or strive for that speed. you’ll throw the leg using weight. or momentum. the rest of the body takes up the slack. it makes for a weaker, slower kick and for a much bigger output of energy. all no-nos.

as i stayed aware of my body over the next few days i realized this holds true not just with TKD, but with life. when you get up off the futon, or the bed or the floor and it feels like a drag to do so? like “hooo boy, gotta getup” that’s due to the abs being sort of soft or weak. (apart from being tired, in general etc) so your arms or legs tend to do the extra work to get you up and going. and it feels like an effort. but after a few days of working my abs hard, its easy to spring up from a resting position. because the primary muscles used for that move are in shape. they can do their job. there is no loss of signal as that job is divided up to the rest of the body, the limbs and such that are NOT the CORE.

so the core must be strong. the rest can flow from there. that’s why i declared this “Ab Week” for me. and it began saturday with an excruciating workout of the abs. and i liked that. and i have been springing off of that embarrassing day not long ago when i was huffing and puffing to finish 30 lousy situps in the dojang. i wrote about it. and i told myself that scene had to die a quick death.

so now i’ve incorporated them into my morning. yesterday i was up to 20. then i did 15 more at the dojang before we began (among other exercises). then sabum took us on a hellish few minutes at some point where we were holding our legs off the ground by inches (as well as our head) and he was talking about getting past pain. he was just taking his time as we held our feet only inches off the ground. i could hear people groaning all around me. and then when he said “what is it? you are not dying! it is just pain. you can over come this mentally.” i stopped making noise and just focused. i let go that self-indulgent part of suffering (dostoevsky writes hilariously and insightfully about a man with a toothache whose moans are half pleasure / half pain in Notes from Underground) and got quiet. quieted the part of my mind that had been saying “oh my GOD when is he going to stop talking!!!!!????” and stopped the part of my body that was groaning and just focused on the act, on the now of it, on keeping it going until he said to stop. my head was inches off the ground and i could feel sweat pouring off my face.

but i didn’t let my feet down. i made it through the exercise successfully. it hurt!

this morning i was up to 30 situps. i’ll keep going.

i think this ties into the relaxation bit/tension bit (okay, late on the segue but here it is) because when your abs are not taut and toned in at least the way i experience this martial art, you feel more need to take up that tension in your body. it’s a “being ready” sort of tension. tho it’s false. it’s almost as if your body senses that the primary muscles you’ll need to respond or strike are not at maximum and so sends the tension to the rest of the body. if you are really and truly ready to react and spring into action, again, it’s going to originate in your core. even if the first move is lifting a foot off the ground…do it slow and deliberate and you realize it’s your abs contracting to make that happen, too. the limbs and body can stay loose. because at a moments notice, your abs can snap into motion. this may just be thinking of things more than necessary, or assigning ideas in places to create meaning. but it doesn’t matter. when i train, i train to strengthen and repeat, to prepare and familiarize. the thinking part doesn’t really come into it too much there.

bottom line is, keep training. keep pushing past comfort zones. stay teachable, beware pride beyond what you need to keep yourself going through the thin spots. become aware of laziness in yourself, and act contrary to it when possible. take your time, focus on technique first. practice that technique properly executed so many times you speed it up only to escape boredom. then, it becomes proper technique, executed well and fast. this means it will be effective and with practice, beautiful.

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lungs. i am especially happy about this part. my lungs have definitely improved noticeably. i see this not only on my ride home over the hill that i no longer need to rest on, but also in my ability to get through class without pain. i still have moments where i have to pull myself together and push hard to get through. but there’s a difference between this (exhaustion) and chest pain. i’ve only hit that chest pain wall once since the beginning. i’m not beyond it, but i’ve pushed that back further. i’ve also declared my lungs a smoke-free area (of any types of smoke except the random wisps of incense that i love to burn) so they are, no doubt, healthier all the time.

i used to hold my breath too much. i think i thought i was conserving it. maybe it was other things, maybe just a bad habit, too. but either way, i realized i was holding breath too much. it was slowing me down, it was making me heavy. it was wasting breath, actually. but it was done from a fear, a knowing what could happen to my lungs, that they could be depleted and when they are, there is nothing left but pain. so i think that put me in a habit of unconsciously holding my breath.

i’ve been breaking that habit. as i train, my lung capacity grows. my lung power grows. and nothing happens without that tide of breath coming in and out. the river of breath must flow, and then the blood is refreshed, and then the muscles are fed, and then the motion is unimpeded, and then the rhythm is enjoined. as i wrote about earlier (can’t find the post right now), i’ve practiced this even while moving around the house. reach over, breathe through it. lift something? breathe through it. strain to unplug something behind a shelf? breathe through it. that is good advice for anyone. it’s very important.

that’s the little motion and what i do to train myself to always allow to breath. just as we kihap when striking. energy, breath, control.

it’s quite a high, now that my lungs (and leg/butt muscles) are more powerful than before, riding up a hill. i stand on the pedals and pump, i let my lungs open and bring air, i feel the burn in my legs, but i do not stop, the air rushes into my lungs, and feeds my body, i am able to keep pushing. its kinetic thunder, its like well-made engines heating up. you feel the expulsion and ingestion of energy, but it is not stopping you, or bringing you down, you are a conduit. heating up, but still working fine, still moving up that hill. whereas 1.5 months ago, you had to rest (now i pedal all the way over with a big bag of sparring gear on my back).

the coin is pain and consistent effort, but the payoff is that high, and the further highs that follow. liking your body. feeling you have energy. more endurance. feeling of strength. feeling of readiness. feeling of happiness.

there’s another hill i know of. i haven’t tried to pedal that one in months. it’s a monster, not like this long gradual one i speak of now. the monster hill is a mile of a long gradual uphill, and then a spike, as if you are pedaling over the toe of the boot of the old woman in a shoe. i guess i’m a little afraid to try that one yet! WHAT WILL IT MEAN IF I CAN’T MAKE THE JUMP THE FIRST TIME, TRINITY???

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i talked to luna and asked her if she’d go back to taekwondo. i told her i wanted her to go, she asked why? i said because it will be good for you, make you healthy, make you strong. and she said okay. i’ll have to make room in my editing schedule to take her on friday, because her mother can’t really practically do it. one of the reasons is how impossible paloma becomes when she is not allowed to run onto the mat and train, too. i honestly can’t wait for paloma to be old enough. she will go at it with a fury! she’ll remember the do jang from her earliest days. that’s pretty damn cool. for me it was el centro cultural de la raza. for me, it was painters and sculptors and clay, lots of sun and clay. or the guitars of the 70s, acoustic guitars, richie’s steel guitar…. i think it’s damn cool that for rainsong, for luna, and for paloma, the do jang is included in those early sights, magical sanctums and rituals, cultural markers, family temples.

after writing the last post, i feel i need to write another one. i forget how phrases like “knife-hand chop to the throat” sound when you come upon them outside of the context where you train. you come home, hot from training, fresh out of the shower, body full of rushing blood and endorphins diving, and write about it all. not only that, but i often reference the traumatic stew of emotions that led me initially to train in the first place….and reading back, i feel the impression is incomplete. i don’t want to do the art i practice a disservice by reducing it to only those elements. those are not the largest elements.

not that i’m trying to deny anything integral to taekwondo. it is a martial art, after all. not a corporate art, not a performance art, not a musical art. it is about fighting, specifically! but the joy definitely does not rest there. anyone can practice hurting people, and there is nothing uplifting about that. damn, any good kung fu movie will teach you that much. there is a spiritual core to true martial art instruction and practice, and that experience has enthralled me since the first days i began training.

the reason you can end up laughing with friends as you train is because the idea of doing violence to someone, even in the name of defending yourself, is not what this is about when you train. or if it is what it is about (because it’s hard to deny that, actually), it’s not the mood of things.

training becomes about technique, and how beautiful yours can become. it’s about treating your body and your world and your neighbors with love. it is about engaging yourself and confronting your comfort zones and pushing far past them. it is about the beauty of this art form at its highest. and what you strive toward. it’s about marveling at abilities you never had (really! you never did!) and that you came about through trusting a master of an art to teach and guide you along a path that challenges you to rise. that you gained by pushing yourself harder and harder, and making progress. (my belief in masters does not conflict with my feelings about knowing life through your own fingers and eyes and experiences. someone’s mastery of something can be quite evident. it can be something you want for yourself. and there are lessons passed down for thousands of years that speak for themselves, and the worth of learning them.) in this case, studying under a master is not about subjecting yourself to disrespect or abuse. don’t confuse this with an “authority” in the everyday world. it is simply about learning, and trust. about openness, and humility, and respect.

in conversation the other day with herm, i said (half jokingly) that the reason belts are given is simply to break up the entire body of knowledge that is a martial art. how daunting would it be to ask about martial arts, seeing someone demonstrating them, and be told “if you study with me for ten years, then you may be able to attain a basic mastery. to master it at my level, you’ll need to study 40 years, and then only if you work very, very hard.”  not that this isnt a perfectly fine answer to give, and not that the truth ought to be made palatable for those not willing to dedicate themselves or sweat for a goal, but yeah. that would be daunting. that’s part of what makes a martial art amazing. when you look at all that goes into learning even one simple poomsae*: the directions you turn, the position of each hand that blocks or strikes, the posture, the glide as you move, the proper targeting of a punch, the sequence…it takes weeks of practice to even remember all the parts, and then weeks longer to perfect it all. add up all the poomsae you have to remember and perfect on your way to blackbelt. add all the one-steps. add the kicks themselves…add the control you gain, the respect you gain, the balance, the power…it simply is a massive body of knowledge to have. it’s a long, arduous effort to gain a collection of amazing techniques…and more. a new self.

then you see someone demonstrate what took them all those years to perfect and it looks simply impossible to perform. so it’s nice to have markers along the way! the belts indicate increments of your mastery. and as all symbols ought to, they communicate much very simply.

of course, in the end, regardless of what color belt you wear, the kind of martial artist you are is up to you. the level of mastery or beauty you attain in your form is a combination of your will, your dedication, your natural genetic and physical capabilities, and how much love you can focus into this path. and consequently, i think what each belt means to you will reflect how much love and devotion you spent getting there.

when you are in that place of striving to be the best you can at this art, the idea of doing violence is remote. even as you let your consciousness flow through your muscles and bones in order to execute each move with grace and power and balance; even as you perform each move so that it is the most effective—and yes—devastating, it is about much more. in those spaces, you are not battling with aggressors, you are looking yourself face to face. you are challenging yourself to do better, and your spirit is responding in the positive.

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* poomsae/forms are the “fight/dances” as i think of them. an artistically-rendered sequence of strikes, blocks, stances, kicks that are joined by a meaning and performed with the energy of that meaning such as “fire” or “thunder” or “heaven and light.” they face north, south, east, and west in their phases. they simulate fighting off attackers from all angles, but are basically meant to condition, train, and familiarize you with the collection of moves, not to be used themselves in combat .

oh…did i forget the ten minute ab torture? i couldn’t even extend my legs up anymore at the end of it. was that only TEN MINUTES? but what a high. my arms are sore again, too. my triceps…no. what is that? that’s my deltoids. but that’s from yesterday i think.

in terms of the test next month and what i have to know, i’m pretty solid…though i’d like to practice my self-defense techniques #7 and #8. in fact i’d like to brush up on all of them under #9, including those two. maybe i’ll talk to someone in class about coming in when the do jang is open for an hour or so with no class, i think it’s thurs eve?

self defense moves are the ones i do the least of out of everything. those are probably the ones we practice least, too. but they are short and repetitive and sort of brutal! practicing them doesn’t take a long time. whereas we all need lots and lots of repetition on our kicks and punches and poomsae. self-defense moves are intended to end things very fast. 1, 2, 3. they are the grim cousins of the beautiful and swift family of kicks known so much in olympic style sparring. olympic style kicking is fun to watch, and sometimes even spectacular. self-defense techniques are small, fast, and devastating. sometimes only one-two. while you always aim to move decisively with proper stances that maximize your power and balance, you really never practice them at full strength (except the parts you can pull short on, snap back in the air, like a knife-hand chop to the neck or a kick to someone’s head.) because it would be far too easy to hurt someone in class. …and yet, they should be practiced a lot so the muscles know them by heart. no thought whatsoever. grabbed by the belt? the lapel? around the waist? by the wrist? by the neck? bam! bam! bam! if someone grabs you by the neck and you have to think about it, then you might do what is natural, which is very frequently what is not going to help you.

i don’t need to practice them necessarily for practical reasons (or i do, but that’s not my concern here) but more in terms of what i’ll be tested on next month, to pass to green instructor. well, i know them. but i’d like to perfect them by then.

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i let luna withdraw from training. she doesn’t want to do TKD right now. i think she should keep going. i mean, i know ultimately it will be very good for her. but…i don’t want her experience of the art to become Something Papi Wants But I Don’t; i don’t want it to turn into a weekly fight. no…not over something i love so much, not over something she could love, too. i’m very conscious of those times i’ve seen parents go too far with their own image of their child, impressing upon them something that isn’t them.

though i’m not exactly sure that i’m letting her off too easy. some things you need to just keep kids at until they get it. some things you need to provide the firmness for that they lack. like a trainer does for you, knowing your own laziness or fear won’t help you elevate where you want to go. but that’s a tricky line. after all, i know where i want to go. but when it comes to being pushy with my kids, i tend not to. i set lines that i know will be important for them. and i enforce them firmly with no big emotion, and no wavering. it’s very important for children to have hard lines in their life, as well as much love as you can give them at all moments.

but when it comes to being pushy? when it comes to forcing them to eat food or other things…i err on the lenient side. i’m not saying it’s right. but i grew up with an authoritarian like you’d not believe. and i won’t do that to my kids. i’m still not positive it’s the right decision to let her withdraw so early. i’ll talk to luna about it. tell her i want her to keep going, even if she’s nervous because it will help her grow. see how she reacts to that. feel out where her hesitance is. she declined to go to her mother, i wasn’t there, i’d like to hear it from luna at least so i can sense what it’s about. either way, it will be fine. soon i’ll have pads and a heavy bag here, and she’ll get used to training at home, even if i have to sneak little mini-sessions in for her. maybe she can ease into it that way. it’s funny, her and paloma both put on my headgear (i’ve red and white) and they run around trying to kick things.

i just know it’s important that they train at some point. i don’t think i can leave it up to them entirely. luna especially. she’s so angsty and anxious and self-conscious and sensitive. even paloma has begun pushing her around! look at them above. you can see just by the way they present how their personalities are. paloma is chomping at the BIT to train, that is clear already! she’s impossible to hold back when she’s at the do jang and sees people kicking and stuff. luna just wants to color with crayons.

but luna is young. so we can wait a bit. i mean, i’d rather do that than become all towering and insistent about it. after all, this is the kid who gets traumatized by spider man. she’s practically all nerves. i don’t mind letting her come back to it. which she’ll probably do unless she associates it, early on, with shame or anger.

–

did some sparring drills today with a blackbelt, she was a woman. we had fun. this was the first higher rank belt i did drills with who was not afraid to hit me hard. i mean, we didn’t pummel each other. but i don’t think these kicks ought to be pulled so much that they are bloodless. i do know that control is one of the most important things we learn and are expected to demonstrate, and also what truly shows the mastery of the art, i also think there’s a danger when people train as if these are not meant to break ribs, but to “look” a certain way. sometimes you see the demonstration of strikes and blocks and kicks that are almost thoughtless, absent-minded, soft, they get sloppy in the air sometimes. i guess i know personally what violence feels like, and being cornered in the night and all that good shit. i know how much these moves could possibly be needed, and i practice them as if they are real. when i do a jumping front kick, i don’t just do it in the air. it’s not an abstract motion that i’m doing so i can perfect an abstract motion. i visualize my targets. when i extend the strike, i’m putting my foot up under your chin, into your neck, or deep into your solar plexus nerve cluster.

i just think that it’s important when you train not to imprint/program a hesitancy into your art. i trust my teachers at the do jang, and the teachings we have about first building technique. slowly. that is the foundation and that is very important. but we are also taught to move as if we are really performing these to work. you should know what the strike is for. where it is meant to land. what it does to the body.

you also must figure in who you are working with, of course. sabum says you adjust according to whom you are training with. older person, small person, obviously less-skilled person—take it easy. but if you are both adults and there is some balance (i might have possibly been stronger than the blackbelt i drilled with, i don’t know, probably, but she is a much higher rank, and she certainly was strong enough).  so we weren’t grossly imbalanced as far as strength and size.

thinking back, we moved back and forth from light contact, to harder contact. that’s when you remember these kicks are powerful! you catch one in your rib cage and it knocks the wind out of you a bit, even with the hogu on. but i found myself laughing when i got knocked back. that’s what i mean, that we had fun. i liked it because she made me feel comfortable. she was comfortable. not just with her art, but with people. i could feel that, and that can be contagious. we naturally found ourselves feinting and testing each other’s reflexes. it was good! there was an ease in the interaction, and yet still very much challenge that could live there. my most memorable laugh was one where i was shaking off one of her well-landed and targeted kicks. my laughter was not ridiculing or embarrassment, it was an ode to the efficiency of her technique! also, a thanks, for being comfortable enough to give me a good shot. to me, it was a type of respect. it is. it is a respect to give someone your best. there’s times when someone is trying to dominate you for their own ego, and then there are moments where someone is saying “you’re a good partner, and you can take this and work with it, and it will make you even better than you are now.”

–

so it was a great work out today. i’ll have to make saturdays a part of my regular routine. they sure are tough, but you know how it goes. pain, gain, glory, and deltoids with hard curves. it all goes together.

fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at one. before you know it i was up and practicing my one-steps. i’ll test in mid august, i think. and these last two weeks i’ll lean in. i laugh at myself. i get so obsessive about the things i love. the kind of thing that makes me buy t-shirts for each and every last thing that grips me, be it the college i get accepted into to the political interests i have to the martial art i practice. i’m very ridiculous in this way. it can’t be helped.

as extreme and corny as this type of devotion can be, it would be unfair to tear that part of it away from the passion and the art and the striving to become better, and all those things that have me doing jumping kicks in the living room while everyone else is sleeping in this town. well. i can’t be sure about that last part. this is a big meth area…. (by “this,” i mean oregon.)

–

luna gets me change when i talk about money. this cracks me up. she has no idea about value yet, about how many of this equals how many of that. i’ve tried to get the idea across, but i guess it’s a bit of an odd one, hasn’t stuck yet. if i tell her we can’t afford to go to dinner at the moment or buy a particular item she wants, she runs into my room and finds me pennies. her sincerity and wonder at why this doesn’t solve everything is what is so sweet. she’s a little verklempt machine.

she also has faced her fear of spider man and risen above it. i’m so proud of her. i didn’t prompt that. i didn’t touch it after her freakout at the do jang. i felt so bad, having poisoned my child’s mind with evil spider man imagery. (i’m very dramatic like this.) then, she brings me this drawing (it’s very good, i’ll post it soon) of spider man. just regular spidey, with all the web type lines in his costume, no leering eyes of venom. i felt happy to know just the thought of him wasn’t going to send her screaming out of the room anymore. then i heard from her mother that luna had asked a day or so ago why does papi like spiderman so much?

that made me laugh, too. do i? do i seem to like spiderman that much? i had to stop and wonder. he’s not a big deal to me. anymore. but i guess she sees something, sees into me, my past. what has made me. i guess that comes across in my presentation of him? or…more probable, she mistook my great concern at her being shook by his image, my attempts to smooth out the reality of spider man with…no, but she’s right, then. she saw my great concern with how she perceived spider man. to her that is my “liking spider man so much”; my being caught up in whether or not she hated him or liked him.

what i love about young children is how they can keep you honest…if you remain careful.

–

luna found out the other day that you could have a career as someone who is funny and who clowns around and makes people laugh. she decided right away that this was for her, and she, too, wanted to be a “canadian.”

–

i got into sparring gear recently. been a while, so i wasn’t sure when or how it would be to get back into it. i was a tiny bit anxious. not only did i come to training originally (years ago) with a boatload of freight to deal with internally surrounding violence, but the first time i sparred in martial arts i got knocked around by someone a little above me in rank (which meant not a high ranking belt, obviously) who had not yet grasped how important control (see fourth tenet) was and so just kind of went off on me.

it wasn’t a big deal, he didn’t mean it maliciously, and didn’t hurt me, but there was that feeling of being helpless as someone pummels you. sort of a feeling you don’t want to have! sort of why you begin training at all, maybe. as far as control, yeah. don’t unleash yourself on someone of lower rank who has just put on sparring gear for the first time! that’s low class in TKD, if you don’t know. you never take advantage of certain things. like someone’s back being turned to you (unless they turn it to execute a particular kick, etc), or someone knocked down, obviously. or someone who is at a great disadvantage. at least that’s the sense i get, and what i’ve been taught so far. although in my last do jang, were were taught harshly not to duck your head, ever. and that meant that if you duck, you get hit in the head. its a bad reflex that has to be drilled out if necessary. ducking could be reflexive, but it could also get you hurt pretty bad.

anyway, sparring became much less of an unknown in time. with practice.

but in suiting up again after all this time, i was reminded of that day. i didn’t really have time to worry or get stressed. that’s the good part about training with someone as professional, as high-ranking, and as skilled as master lee is. he wouldn’t even do that. he wouldn’t throw you into a sparring match with someone who was higher ranking unless that person understood control. or i ought to say that i don’t know what he’d do, but you know he’d do it right. you have that kind of faith in him. so when i got suited up this time, it was to do drills. sparring drills. practice at kicks and counter kicks with a partner who was three full ranks above me, but never hit me hard once. and we trained in combos. actual use of the blocks in our poomsae, but in practice, and with gear on as we’ll always have on when we spar.

doing the drills was like a revelation. my last sabum was good. but he was younger. and not as high ranking. and not with the background in korea that master lee has. so while his teaching of technique and forms and everything else, really, was great, perhaps there were things yet to be implemented in the do jang that make sense. like those drills. they felt very useful. in my last do jang, we trained in all our forms, trained in our punches, kicks, strikes, and blocks…but then we just jumped into sparring gear and tried to implement them. there was no intermediary ground. and now that i experience it, it makes so much sense.

–

i feel good about where i am at in training. moving at an organic speed. definitely improving. feeling great physically. at times i get impatient with my hip tendons, if one is sore, or twinges or something. this is not really a realistic expectation. when you do the things with your legs that we do in training, its bound to happen. but i don’t like my motion impeded, i want to move fluidly and without hesitation.

not really a “feel good” day at TKD today. in fact, today was filled with moments that were hardly stellar. but i’m not being pollyanna or false in the least when i say that there were valuable lessons in all areas, so in the end it was a very good day. just not a “feel good” day and oh well about that. hey! let me make it clear! there’s a lot of pain in this path! to me, it is worth it.

well, the first lesson. good job, mister, for taking the sweaty dobok out of the backpack as soon as you get home and soaking in the steel bowl with a tiny bit of detergent. but you can’t let it sit for two days. because THEN you may end up wearing a damp dobok to class that smells like mildew. and oooh how fun that will be, especially when the black belt with the long blonde hair leans over your shoulder to correct your stance. mmm. sniff that in, baby. i’ll grow on you. literally.

don’t get me wrong. i’m joking. sex is the last thing on your mind in the dojang, the last thing on my mind. but when you are steaming with a scent that makes you fall out of love with your SELF, then you begin to think those sorts of thoughts. so BAH. okay. never again. bring home, wash right away. or at least when you wash, dry right away. but i will tell you, i take such good care of that dobok. it is precious to me.

in general and in fact, the purest and rawest of my intention and heart can be found when i practice martial arts or handle those things which are part and parcel of the art. i brook not a single shortcut. and when i hung up my dobok top to dry in the doorway, and the wind moved it against the dirty screen to leave dirt on a few creases, i got the soapy sponge and washed the whole damn screen door. and then i refreshed the sponge and washed off the dirt from my dobok. i’ve done that every time it’s fallen on the ground while drying, or in any way gotten dirty when i was putting it through the cleaning process.

so today was humiliating in a way that’s hard to express. people get close to you. the hold your feet while you do so many sit ups you are moaning and can’t go on. all the air that rushes through your dobok and along your body will blow over them. that’s why you stay clean and neat when you train. toenails to dobok to hair to skin. you respect yourself and your friends who train with you.

so yeah. not happy about that! but…trust that from now on, a rigorous dobok cleaning regimen will be observed.

and you know? that’s very much part of what martial arts are about. respect, discipline, not getting lax.

so she commented to me, too, again, on being too tense. grrr! again! new instructor. i guess i still need to make progress on that. the only thing i can think of to do is to have patience with everything i do. i’m not gonna obsess on it. because, hey. obsessing on something is NOT the way to relax. obviously.

today i reminded myself of that quote from winston churchill. I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.

i was so happy with remembering Taegeuk Sam Jang, as i said in a recent post. literally doing rocky poses and runs around my house. or something. so i get to class and now the instructor is fine tuning my Poomsae and of course i’m totally respectful (it’s sort of like being in the military…when any higher rank is instructing you, you always say “Yes, Ma’am!” or “Thank you, Sir!” and so on. i don’t know about the military, but i know in martial arts, you really feel that respect you are required to voice. because you KNOW how damn hard you sweat to earn where you are. so if they have a higher rank, you know they sweated even more. period. respecting them is respecting yourself.) so, i’m respectful, but inside i’m sorta like a child. all annoyed that i’m being corrected! but that’s the next step, once you remember all the moves! it’s fine tuning them! i wrote that in my last post! oh, hypocrisy, how eloquent you wax.

but when i’m there, i’m all business. i am only there to better learn and perfect my art. and that’s why i listened to her and said thank you. because her tips were helpful.

i watch videos of different black belts performing poomsae/forms. i want to see what acceptable variance is allowed between their individual versions of the form. even if minute. when i’ve seen enough, i will know how much a person can apply their own personal style to the traditional form.

today i slowed down Sam Jang. a lot. i wanted to put to use the things she had told me. you have to be careful when training. you are teaching yourself to memorize so deeply that you will not have to think any more. and your body will do something on auto. and not robotically. but passionately. and true to teachings. so i slowed way down (now that i remember all the moves) and really thought about what i was doing. rear foot,90º. land softly, then two fast punches. pivot on right foot back to joonbe position.

also, annoyed with myself for not being able to do 30 sit ups and have to hear the red belt goad me to finish. yeah, he was kind. yeah, i’d not have had him do anything else. but yeah, it’s time to practice sit-ups at home. no more of that.

finally, i am happy and proud that i continue to perfect Sam Jang, and that I got down a little “cha cha cha” foot switchee move between ahp chagi (left and right front kicks) that was part of our drill today.

it’s good to push through these resistances. i’m happy and proud of what i’m doing.

also, i’m sure my lungs are in better shape. i never even think about stopping to rest on my bike, pedaling the hill home. just that is wild!

i also was very happy today because i finally remembered all of taegeuk sam jang. that’s the highest poomsae i should know for my belt. it’s so hard to get to that point where you remember every move, every direction to turn in for transition move to move, and don’t get stuck. once you remember the whole thing, you can practice and practice and practice until you tighten up everything about it. staying centered, not overreaching, not leaning, snappy locks on your moves, flow, targeting your punches and kicks perfectly, and so on.

i am so looking forward to testing. i’m not rushing at all. i know i need to work myself up now, not just remembering all my poomsae, but also conditioning my lungs and endurance. these things all tie in: balance, endurance, reach, power, beauty, effectiveness. but i look forward to it so i am…having a new momentum. at the new place. putting my last test and last belt and last time training behind me…or tie it into the flow of moving forward, moving into this new place, this new time.

also…i’ll admit it! there’s one block that is so beautiful in blue belt poomsae. this cross ankled, dip thing that just has such a sweet, graceful look to it, i know it will feel awesome to execute.

but yes, remembering and practicing sam jang at home lets me know i am not all that far from testing for blue. the difference between last week and this week in my memory and ability to execute a few things like one steps and poomsae encourage me. but i’m hungry. i lean in hard, one hundred percent.

it’s only been two weeks. i sure expect a lot from myself! but that’s how much i love this art. mostly, it just feels good to begin to get the class routine down, so i don’t feel so lost from moment to moment. now that i remember sam jang, i’m going to practice it like crazy. i was running through it in the living room a few times after class. i have a few doboks, so i use older ones to practice in. i know as soon as i can afford a heavy bag for the living room, i will be throwing a hundred kicks in here.

it’s also great because my hip and leg tendons/ligaments have begun to loosen up again. it is very uncomfortable when those big ones are stiff, still. hurts. makes you feel ungainly. you always need to warm up for a moment at the very least. but you want to be limber once you do, be able to kick above waist if need be without too much hitch.

so everything is moving well, and my heart is filled with joy to be in the dojang again. the place costs a little bit from month to month. in order to keep me and luna going, i decided to sell some of my quality video equipment on ebay recently. yup. but i dont want to have to give up on luna’s process and i sure dont want to stop going myself. and i don’t earn much beyond my bills as it is. if that. but that’s temporary, too. i got big plans in motion, baby.

i feel sort of bad about reacting (even internally) defensively about that one cat who was coming off strange to me when i first met him at the dojang. i see now (and of course i should have seen, but i was too caught up in my own trip and all the feelings from that first day or two in a new dojang) that he was being friendly in just a bit of a way that felt to me antagonistic. and that maybe he has his own social issues. hey, sometimes things are bumpy up front. it will smooth out.

meanwhile,  i think i may bump up my training. try to move it from three to five days a week next week. why not. get the most for my money. and the more i go, the better i’ll get, the more i’ll remember, the better my experience will be. plus, it’s not quite so painful, the more i go. soon i can give back to the school, can begin leading poomsae for those who don’t have it down as well. it’s a goal.

ever since i was reminded of my physical “tic,” that tightening up that i can lapse into, i’ve made it a project to change that. to undo it. i asked myself how do you train to relax? and realized, through the doing, that i had the question wrong. after all, i had already trained–unwittingly–to tighten up when either i prepared for physical exertion, or my mind involved itself in matters martial. so it was more how to untrain that habit. or how to “see” it; how to become conscious of when this other training kicked in, and to rewire and replace with other behavior and mental messaging.

it sounds complicated when i put it into words, of course, but it’s a simple process that we undertake to change a habit and i’m sure you are familiar with it.

i had the ‘self check’ part right. the tightening had become unconscious, and so i had to more or less set a mental recurring alarm to note my upper body, to trip a circuit when i made myself rigid, and to relax. to breathe. that’s what it came down to. i was stopping breathing. and so in checking myself over a course of days, i realized that i was doing it when exerting at home, as well. a bad habit. stretch to reach something? pick something up to move it? push hard on something? you have to remember to always be letting breath move through your body. it’s an understandable though destructive habit, to hold your breath when you exert. it checks your power, it slows you down, it sets you up to be exploded (your balance as well as your blood vessels or muscles) and thrown off balance by a blow or a big shift in the terrain/your body/the situation.

so i made that effort, i dipped into that energy that i find very accessible when training in TKD; that will-mustard that spreads thick and pungent. it’s a powerful current from the mind, it’s invoked when you really really care about your discipline (of whatever nature) and really mean it down to your bones to change something you are doing, a habit, a way of being. this intention…this current, is stronger than usual. more effective from being so charged with meaning for you…i guess that’s one way of saying it, maybe not the best. but that’s one of those things i love about training in TKD. the Can Do, the Will Do, the ability to align your mental energy and focus with your physical self. the competition against your weaker or lazier self, or the housing of a battle between entropy and evolution within your own frame.

wow, it all sounds very grandiose. you’ll have to forgive me, i’m sort of a drama queen. but please also know that i mean it all very sincerely.

so, i practiced at home just by living, as well as kicking and punching practice. i loosened up my upper body. as often, when i really really mean it with something (like when i quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey the first time i walked into the dojang) the hardest part really is just the decision to commit fully. and once i do, bam. it’s like an iron door shutting. sort of how like yesterday i put away my grinder and coffee pot. i don’t drink coffee now. at least for now. so no need for that. moving forward. it was like this with the loosening up decision. it affected me deeply to realize what i was doing with my body. and it was important for me to progress past that unconscious reflexive action and state of being.

and it was immediately gratifying. looser and with wind moving through me, i kick higher. easier. faster. i practice some muy thai knee moves (these are part of my loosening up routine, less stress on my legs because you don’t extend in this case, only lift knee high) and am so happy to see how much faster i can move my knees and legs (stating the super obvious here) when i am not clamping down on my diaphragm.

and in loosening up, not just in practice, but in all i was doing, i experienced a different internal state. and somehow, in doing so, i realized that this tension was (of course) some kind of apprehension clinging to the inside of my ribs, hanging curled tight from my clavicles. some unforgiving energy i was holding toward myself…some fear of some sort…of something ahead. some insecurity, maybe partially an anxiety about training and how fast i was moving, or what it meant to practice violence, or just the challenge of pitting myself against my less willing parts.

ugh. i really hate putting some things into words. while it is a service to demystify some well-entrenched verbal hackery surrounding some matters, to simplify; in other areas you can only wave crude symbols around and you feel it does a disservice to the magic of what you attempt to describe. this is one of those times.

but as often happens in pursuits that involve your heart (so far i’ve found this so with acting as well as martial art), you realize that the small technique you strive to master physically really is but a symbol for the ethereal matters of your soul. and so on letting go of a tension that binds your lungs tight and your shoulders as if steel, you exhale into tears, and into relief. you realize you have been carrying around something…something you don’t need to. it slows you down. it makes you heavy. maybe you don’t do it all at once, maybe you only begin to do it. but it is a beginning that feels like a loosening, an unraveling of some thing that binds a part of you. and you don’t do it with a profuse streaming out of chipped edge and mushy bottomed words. you don’t do it with therapy sessions. you simply realize this tightness is interfering with the progress you want to make in your art. and you decide it must go, then.

and you practice. and practice. and practice.

sabum complimented my motions today, and it made me feel very good. i knew then that my little project was working, and not just in my imagination. myself and someone else were practicing kicking techniques togother; we were doing Ahp Chagi (Front Kick), Tdwim Yah Chagi (Jumping Front Kick), Chirugi (Punch). you do these in sequence so it’s one, two, three.  kick, step, jump, kick in the air, land, punch from the hip. (there’s something about these motions–and this is why it is an art–that just sort of clicks when you hit them the way they are designed, and they become physically joyful to execute…that’s the sweet spot you practice toward in a move.)

sabum watched me and shouted happily, “Now you have it! You are much lighter. Before, heavy.”

i smiled widely and bowed, thanked him as he turned away to move to the front of the room.

and in all of this, i realize too that i just have to lean back. i want to bring myself up to speed in a few days. after a hiatus of over a decade. that’s ridiculous. if i push myself too hard i’ll keep pulling muscles (which i may do anyway, but wow, my right hamstring is rebelling!), and well, i’ll be crouched into a cramp, as i try to rush forward. so i let go of that. i am where i should be. i am practicing. i am lucky enough to have my health be in good shape. and as sabum—and my own internal signals—let me know today, i am making progress.

and you can take those inner ideas and decisions, and spread them around, too. to the rest of what you do and how you are. i mean, that’s the idea, really. it’s all one.