saw a doctor finally about the stomach thing and he put me on some retrinaline or whatever, designed to cut down on the amount of stomach acid that is produced, and hope that stops the burning font that’s been spilling for six years now but i wonder. i often feel as if i am ready to burn, am burning, need air, room, to burn hotter, brighter, fiercer, cut loose from the restraints all the world and my own body place on me…i sort of thought the condition was tied to my emotional/mental self but despite my poetic imaginations of psychic immolation, i’m excited to think these pills may help. i’m so sick of dealing with these symptoms, been dealing with this since 2003 in brooklyn when i was commuting 20 hours a week, three trains each day to westchester and got so stressed my stomach began eating my own body alive. i wondered tho if it was the espresso. i was never sure. either way, its been a long time i’ve been living with it…acid threads in the saliva…constant wash of stomach acid ended up weakening a tooth of mine until one day i bit down on some damn nutty bread and it broke right in half, weakened another crown til it broke and also made a filling fall out…it was a scary time i was like what is going ON??  felt like i was jeff goldbloom in The Fly til i figured it out. after all, i used to hit on a mylanta bottle like mekhi phifer in Clockers hit the yoo hoo. if you are kicking up that much stomach acid, its floating around your mouth nearly all the time which is sort of exciting to think about. does it give me superpowered bites? i know it does. one of my teeth is sharp like a dagger. laced with acid, even. and i have pretty strong jaws. i think i like to freak myself out with thoughts like this. i mean that in a good way of course.

heartmuscle, originally uploaded by nezua.

trying to settle. trying to settle and fill the belly. still distant from repetitive necessities, bored with eating showering and the like. do it, but not with great interest, sort of necessary evils. not sure i appreciate that view. everything can be relished and make for a joyful and deep experience. eating, cooking, showering, bathroom actions, sleeping. and they do sometimes. yet, i do not appreciate their insistence and timing. i’d do half of the amount of rounds if i could. but alas, that doesnt seem to work out.

looking fwd to hooking up some more work as soon as i can. i’m not idle, am working a couple jobs at once, always. have to. but think i will cut it down to two at once. more than that and the jobs seem to lag too long. but need to make more, get a big deposit or something, need to replace two crowns. sharp teeth breaks are hurting my tongue. why doesnt insurance cover crowns? i don’t understand that. isn’t it a normal part of dentistry? i hardly think that this state of affairs is something that should be thought of as needing anything fancy or cosmetic. this is not about cosmetics, these are teeth in the back that don’t even show. this is a sort of torture. i wake up at night because i’m biting my tongue and two teeth are sharp as razors. my mouth is a medieval rack. i don’t even shape some words the same anymore because i have to look out for the angles. good thing i dont spend a lot of time in deeply enmeshed kisses or anything. i’d eat ya alive.

am i still covered by herm’s insurance? i think she dropped a day of her schedule because i needed more time for work. that might have made her part time, and thus no insurance. no, we wouldn’t have agreed on that. she needs her insurance. and in my case it would hardly matter. most of this is going to come out of pocket.

and yet
i’m taking time away from work days to research law in the law library and file papers and go to court because i was served with charges that must be disputed and disproved. can’t afford a lawyer, that would cost more than the amount i’m losing due to taking all this time away from work. work work work. court. blog. press release threat of lawyers delayed paychecks rotten excuses cluttered room breakbrokebrake—

i need a different kind of break. like on the beach away from everything except wind water and sun and a smile full of teeth that feel smooth as polished coral.

next: the dentist. dun dun dun…

hanks to my online amigos, mi novia’s hurting teeth can be fixed. ustedes sent us $255 in paypal funds and then, just the day before yesterday i got a big knock on the door and opened it to find a smallish box sitting before me. can you guess what was in that box?

amazing! a little chest of quarters! wow! i haven’t counted them yet, but i’m guessing it is no less than $400. so you see, you all actually took care of 90% what our insurance wouldn’t! and the rest won’t be a problem. between all of this and i’m SURE we can find a dentist who charges at least a little less, we are good. i’m so…well, of course, i’m overwhelmed. with gratitude. and of course i am so relieved that she can get her teeth fixed with no further delay.

but also, this gives me hope in US. you and me. not the misplaced uneasy sense of “security” we get from fucking massive insurance companies. isn’t that a joke!!! i mean aren’t THEY supposed to be why we pay all year? aren’t THEY why i shouldn’t have to ask you? so why do we use them? fuck them! all we need is ourselves. we help each other out when we need it. you better believe the next time one of you posts on needing money for something, from a computer breaking to a tooth breaking to a job breaking, i am going to pitch in. just like i’ve done already in the past, because this was done for me before, too. see? a cycle of giving. that’s how it CAN work. the FEAR is what makes us think ‘no no no gotta take care of minez, gotta hoard! can’t lose any!’ and the HOPE and the heart are what makes us say “i can give him/her something now, because i have some extra, and they need it. and i dont want to see them hurt…and i hope others can do for me, too, if i need it.”

others can have and keep the individualist/ capitalist/ republican/ whateveryouwanttocallit “gotz minez” approach. me, i’d rather have comunidad.

gracias to mis amig@s.