the funny part is this test is coming up in five weeks, and all the while the demo team is preparing for the biggest martial arts demo that hits town all year: the asian celebration. which takes place in three weeks. and normally i’d be more ratcheted up on nerves about that. but it almost feels soothing to concentrate on those drills. once upon a time, the spotlights and stage of a demo like this would definitely be unnerving me a bit more. and yet, at this point, a demo is something i’ve done over and over. i know that when we are out there i can fall into a zone that relies on nothing more than the training i’ve drilled on. and it’s training i’ve drilled on for a while now.

on the other hand, i’ve been anticipating my black belt test (a goal which gets increasingly and speedily less abstract since 1995). so that looms larger, of course.

but i’ve found that the best antidote to nerves is proper preparation. maybe not for everyone, nor every situation. but for me, in this case, the tighter your memory/muscle memory is on what you are to do, the less reason to worry. the less room there is, even, for worry to exist.

—

hard to believe i’ve been practicing with the demo team since march or april of last year (2011)! i think of what we’ve done together…i think of the challenges we’ve had to deal with, with no time to prepare. like the time  it rained so hard at an outdoor demo the little stage was flooded and we weren’t sure how it would go with spinning kicks and such. visions of us flying off our feet and landing on our heads in front of all the park. or the time the stage was half as big as the space we’d been practicing for. or the time we couldn’t do the demo inside after all, and the team didn’t all have tkd shoes so everyone decided we’d do the demo barefoot to maintain a uniform appearance—and on the gravel of the parking lot. we’ve always pulled it out, made it through.

funny how that happens. it doesn’t seem long ago that i was training for my very first demo…korea night of 2011.

and then you look up one day and realize you’ve gone and become practiced at a thing.

—

i’m very grateful for the time i’ve put into training with the team. doing so, for the past year (10 months) has forced me to consistently practice advanced techniques, breaks, and performance–as well as repeat, over and over, all the basic moves. self defense grabs, one step sparring, and basic kicking techniques. as these have been part of our practice and regular demos, we never stop going over these things. you go over some of that in classes…but this has definitely afforded me a deeper level of training, and i’m glad for it. honestly, i’d not want to be testing for black in a month without it.

—

i talk my head off about all this, as you know. and as i’ve noted at least once before in this blog, that’s not really what martial arts is about. i’m sure i’ll underline the point again after another year of blabbing my head off! don’t get me wrong: what you read here is the extent of my blabbing. i don’t go around talking about taekwondo with cashiers, people on the bus, or at the bar. in the spoken world, and in the moving about world, my taekwondo becomes a private thing. but here, well. this is where i take notes. keep notes. and i’m more glad of that habit than perhaps i am now for any blog i’ve kept. it’s allowed me to look back and very clearly see where i’ve made progress, and to remember what the challenges are that i’ve dealt with. that’s been very helpful. but there’s not a need in every day life to talk so much about it. it’s more of a doing thing, as massive attack says about love. it’s a doing word.

and how i do love doing it.

—

i’m feeling some progress in my tornado round kick. this has been a slow one to get down for me. it’s been since brown belt i’ve been working on this kick (a year and a few days), and you know how it goes: a little bit at a time. almost like a plant growing. you don’t notice any movement for a while. suddenly one day you see that the plant has three leaves where only two existed. one morning you see that it stands higher than the little sculpture next to it. when did that happen? you don’t know. but suddenly, there is noticeable change.

i could try to qualify exactly how i experience this change. i’d say, mostly, i feel a bit more balance…or control. i don’t lose so much of my orientation with that spin. in turn, i can spin a little faster. so that when i end up on the other end of the spin, i am not so off-balance. just a fraction more sense of balance in your body and brain helps a lot. the more control you can retain of your sense of directionality, for example, the better you can target your kick. the more you can stay upright, the more force you can bring to your kick. then there’s the spacing thing, which is a huge part of this kick. “controlling your distance” master lee calls it. (a big part of how effective you are as a fighter is how well you control the space between yourself and your opponent. the tornado round kick is a great one for closing a little distance, if you need to. but ideally, you should be able to do one without closing distance. either way, controlling how much space this kick takes up is a big part of learning how to throw it successfully.)

so it’s coming together just a bit more lately. i could feel it throwing some tornado round kicks into the bob dummy on…tuesday night. i was landing all of them on target and bob was rockin’ hard. i was like yeahhhh. love that sound. you know when your technique is on point for the night when you begin landing kicks on bob that go WHOMP and the sound bangs through the whole dojang. you know you are hitting the tornado round kick right when you slam that dummy with your foot, and suddenly are in close, still on your feet and seamlessly able to throw multiple jabs at his head without pausing. work those combos, son!

this pleases me because this kick means a lot to me and i’ve specifically been working on it for so long. i can finally begin to feel it beginning to come under my control. beginning! i am not out here trying to kick an apple off a fork, or anything. but give me another year.

—

speaking of progress, i’ve noted some on another front, too: focus. this was something i remember noting at some point [me: link here if you ever find the earlier mention!] that i needed to tighten my focus. if i didn’t write it here, i definitely thought it and even mentioned it in the locker room or something. i realized that if master lee yelled a command i wasn’t expecting, or if someone so much as stopped and looked at me while i did a poomsae, or if someone doing poomsae with me messed up–i was thrown. i’d mess up. i’d stagger, or do a wrong move, or freeze, or have my mind go blank. and i thought to myself “this is no good. you must learn to focus more.” and i knew it was a particular challenge. you can have great technique if you want, or you can hit like a barn falling, but if your concentration is fragile and easily shattered, how can you be effective?

on this, i’ve definitely tightened up a lot. i can stay honed in closer on what i’m doing, stick with the movement from beginning to end without being so easily thrown off track. still, however, master lee standing at the sidelines of demo team practice and watching us with pointed attention can still unnerve me! but overall and over and over, i’ve seen improvement here.

i’ve especially felt a change in that place where we are preparing to begin. ready to spring into action on command or signal. i’ve noticed that i’ve found a…room in my mind that i’d not really used before. a space. a mental space where i am on high alert, waiting for nothing but the signal to begin, my body completely ready to spring forth, and (here’s the important part) with no undue tension or tightness. a narrow degree of concentration that amps up everything to a keen point, and just hangs there. until.

it’s wild! where this space is now, i used to “get ready” or “be ready” or sort of anxiously jitter…it was not a relaxed place. and because of that, i could miss the exact moment to move, or i could be moving from a place of anxiety, or too tense. i did not  know i could find a place where i was both fully relaxed and yet also be cocked, loaded, and with no safety on.

i have no examples yet…but i can feel this is something that will affect everything, not just a specific action in martial arts practice.

—

apparently this is a post for noting progress! wow. on many fronts. i’d not known that when i started writing. what a great way to start a day.

—

the other night i was in the dojang and getting ready for class and suddenly realized i had no inhaler on me. i’ve written here more than a couple times about my lung issues. while i’ve made a lot of progress in my lung power and lung capacity, i can still hit a wall with sustained exertion and my chest can begin to burn like you wouldn’t believe. it’s not just like being short of breath. when this pain hits me, it’s like a deep pain in my heart that makes the thought of continued exertion a laughable matter. and i fear that pain. i fear the pain stopping me, and i fear having to stop in front of everyone. but training regularly, using my inhaler, and not smoking all seem to make it work out. so it’s been manageable.

but when i reached for my inhaler to get my pre-class blast, i realized there was not an inhaler in my locker, my bag, or my jacket. i nearly panicked. that’s my lifesaver. what, i’m gonna suddenly leap cold into an advanced class that i’m only able to handle, after all, after hundreds of hours of conditioning and training AND my inhaler?

so i thought, hell, i’ll skip this class after all. and then i thought, yanno what? it’s a little weird that my backup inhaler is not in my locker, and neither is there one in my gear bag. because i was sure there was. so maybe it’s a sign that i should go for it. see what happens. risk it. 

as i’ve said, so much of martial arts is stepping to your fears.

so i did it. i changed clothes and jumped in. i won’t lie, i did my warmup routine (all basic kicks, blocks, punches, etc) at 60% or 70%, but after that and for the rest of the class, i just did my best and saw if i could keep up. master lee had us doing his olympic training runs up and down the floor, so there is no holding back on that. and he put in me in line 6, the last line, and that means everyone is watching your line come up the floor so there’s no hiding. i felt like i was treading water at the edge of the deep part of the sea. sure, i was doing well, hanging in there…but at what  moment would the cold water rush up and try to claim me?

and then all of a sudden it was diro dorah! all students face the back and straighten your uniforms. dobok tangun. and we were into the routine that ends the class. i had made it. i was incredulous.

i’m sort of caught between wanting to post images as i go, so you can see how the game grows (and that would be on our blog, i should specify), and wanting to avoid giving too much away, or, alternately, planting the seed of a visual that may (at this point i can say most likely will) later change, and frustrate those who were privy to the early iterations of the art. but as i type it out, i think that can think of a way to get the benefit and avoid the downfall of writing on the game development. so you may wanna keep an eye on the DS blog. as this thing heats up, we’ll certainly be adding more over there.

—

bruises on my knee

my rib is healing up pretty well. just a week or so of pain, i guess. a very localized pain, and not hard to deal with. i’ll be on the look out to see if the original injury is going to be acting up like this every time i take some whacks to the ribcage. which is not so bad. always the scariest part is not understanding why something is happening with your body. once it’s a known, it’s easy not to get stressed out when it comes around again.

–

so here we are now in the year of the dragon, and so many things feel to be coming together. it’s almost uncanny how sweetly this is happening on a few fronts, but life—being life—will surely deliver her usual load of obstacles along the way, so i feel no worry about that! meanwhile, most of these events i speak of are not happenstance, or random occurrences, but rather the natural culmination of work made. work on the inside, work on the outside. however we want to frame it, the year is beginning with many auspicious, encouraging, and exciting developments. i have a very good feeling about this year.

my black belt test will be on march 10 (only four days after my birthday), and i continue to prepare. reports are handed in, i train anywhere from 6 to 9 times a week. some of those days are demo team, some are assisting instruction kids classes, some are regular classes. they all serve an important purpose, they are all required.

which is, i suppose, a fair segue into the very exciting tho somewhat startling news that i’ve been asked to step up to assistant team captain for the demo team! whoa. this really took me by surprise. R is the team captain, but as a fourth dan with a massive number of hours per week (he is there anytime the dojang is open, has been for years, and is master lee’s right hand man) that’s understandable. my buddy J used to be assistant team captain, but in testing for second dan, he injured himself and has been out since october. i hardly know what i do or have done to deserve the assistant team captain position, but if the team coach and team captain feel i can do the job, i will do my best to prove their trust is well founded. i’ll admit that i’m slightly uneasy at taking a position where i’ll be critiquing and helping ranks higher than me with their technique, but i’ll be sure to preface my stint with a declaration that i’m seeing this role assignment as a way to provide an extra pair of eyes, and not as a statement that my technique is flawless or necessarily better than anyone i’m critiquing. or at least, i imagine i’ll say that. then again, what i say to the team will depend on how K or R introduce the new position. i’d be happy to not have to lookout for people’s egos all that much. i mean, these are all blackbelts and chodanbo. as a martial artist you are expected to be able to handle your ego. but i’m sympathetic to the fact that this could be a slightly touchy moment! anyway, it was a real honor to be asked. i didn’t see it coming at all. on the other hand, i think this, as well as having to spend a lot of time assisting and teaching the kids, actually addresses areas i need to address in my martial arts journey.

as you’ve noticed, i talk (well, write) a lot about my focus…about my attention to where i need to improve, about my journey in martial arts, about the physical injuries, about rising above, about keeping humble, about goals, about progress—but this is all internal stuff. i work very hard, but keep my focus inward. and for most of your color belt days, this is (i think) the way to do it. avoid too much focus on others, aside from when they can help you learn. avoid worrying about how their technique might need to improve. avoid getting distracted. focus on yourself. keep your head down to the grindstone.

but at a certain point, you are forced to come out of this cocoon. your transformation as a martial artist must include a growth out of yourself; a lifting the eyes off the grindstone, and a broader view, that includes others. this is where assisting instructing comes in, the teaching credits requirements for black belt, the black belt oath, the giving back to the community. these are not incidental, but very much part of the philosophy and practice of martial arts. i’ve touched on this idea at least once before, but i didn’t realize until diving into assisting instructing that i have hesitancy at all in correcting others’ technique or acting as an authority. this actually surprised me a lot! i know myself…i know i have lessons to impart; i’m an oldest brother; i’m a natural teacher; i’ve been a counselor; i’m a father. i’m also prone to being a know-it-all (tho i’ve lost much of this behavior or impulse over the years). through much effort and time, i’ve grown much in my ability to bring issues to a person and can do it assertively, kindly, and without being aggressive or weird. in other words, i should have no problem with the role of teaching/instructing others. and yet…i do not carry all or the entirety of my habits and personality into the dojang. in fact, i very much transform to the best of my ability. i think if martial arts is approached properly, in fact, you leave most of your self at the door. this, too, is the idea. you come into training humble, open, like a sponge, and ready to learn and listen. and it seems i’ve done such a good job at that that by now it feels weird to begin looking up out of myself, focusing on others, speaking to them about their technique, and in general, assuming any kind of authority. it’s not a moral authority, to be clear, or anything more than the natural hierarchy of taekwondo, very much based on the work you’ve put in (rank), and the techniques you’ve mastered. so there’s no reason it should be an ugly sort of authoritarian gig. but i guess that’s a ground i’m feeling out now. this position as assistant team captain nudges me further into this somewhat uncomfortable area. and that’s good.

…it really did surprise me, you know! in case i’ve not adequately conveyed my genuine feelings here. both getting the position as well as discovering my awkwardness at being any kind of authority in this realm. i’m surprised by my surprise! i think i’ve grown to really enjoy the fact that in at least one place in my life, i can let go of a lot of that type of stance. i don’t mind at all taking my time to climb the ladder of rank. i enjoy knowing, and stating time and time again, that i’m nowhere near mastery or perfection and that i understand this is a long road. i don’t mind at all taking a backseat. i don’t mind at all being quiet and just showing what i do instead of talking at all about it or pretending to be some kind of example.

but sure enough, martial arts will, unerringly, find any area you harbor fear, lack of confidence, uneasiness, immaturity, or a need to grow—and fast, force you to confront it. this dynamic is at once what makes martial arts both scary as well as one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do, if you stick with it and move through it.

The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air.

—Lord of the Rings

autumn is upon us, and as always she brings change. on many levels. i feel myself borne upon her cool winds…i wonder where she will set me down. it’s a good time. and i feel that next year will be an amazing year, unlike any other in my life. of course, the thing about change is that one cannot predict its outcome! yet, i feel full of good energy and am inspired.

meanwhile, i’m a living embodiment of the unsure state of transition, at least at the moment. well, that’s my romantic way of saying i have a cold. which is a tiny bit of a drag. granted, many people have much worse ailments (and i even have more painful persistent conditions in my body), but it knocked me off my square a bit. i had planned to attend this four hour sparring seminar held by great grand master lee today, but at the last minute i just had to ditch it. i went as far as eating, dressing, and getting ready to get on my bike…but as i stood there deliberating, i finally had to admit i didn’t have the energy in my body to bike down there and endure four hours of sparring drills, and sparring, and give it all the mental focus and attention it would require. also, to be frank, i had no food to pack a lunch with or cash on hand to buy a sandwich to bring…which may have been the ultimate decider. even if i could push it, i’d need food to do it.

eh. as much as i feel irritated to have missed out (direct instruction from master lee is never to be passed up casually), i have to admit, my body just feels like it needs the rest. anyway, the demo team keeps racheting up energy and challenge, and if i’m to be on top of that, i need to rest between now and next week’s training.

the little software/gaming startup company that me and some homies have been plugging away at behind the scenes for years rolls into a new phase as we approach 2012. we’ve been working on a number of things over the last two + years. a lot of time spent on carefully and conscientiously shaping the infrastructure and internal organization that allows us to communicate efficiently, and to delegate duties, and maintain respect for all the partners and our contributions. we’ve spent time on creating the look and feel of our website, as well as creating our initial array of site and game art, as well as our logo. additionally, we’ve done a lot of brainstorming on everything from our approach to gaming, to the games we want to produce, to where we see ourselves fitting into the market as well as the world, and even specifically on many games. garden day is one of those games, and we’ve put in a lot of hours as we sketch out narrative, the backstory of the characters involved, the game mechanics, the themes, the philosophy, and the art. it’s pretty exciting and fulfilling to be part of such a project. i’m looking forward to what the coming months and years bring us as we continue to infuse our heart and mind into this project.

little luna continues to plug away at her training in taekwondo. she recently passed her green belt test, and so now attends a different set of classes. (they are split into white & yellow and then green & up). i will still definitely take her to some white & yellow classes in addition to the green and up classes, because the beginner classes have a different focus, and do a lot of work on foundational technique and behavior and aerobic conditioning.

but now luna is in classes that specialize a bit more. her mondays are heavier on sparring than before (tho mondays are sparring days anyway), and now on wednesdays she has sword training. (this thrilled her to find out about).

she’s as happy as ever, and i feel good about how much her confidence is growing. this was the first test that she felt wholly ready for and volunteered that she felt ready to test. this is a huge contrast from her last test where she wanted to back out of testing, and then wouldn’t go up to get her rank for weeks after testing due to feeling too nervous about the whole thing. it’s very gratifying to see the progress she has made, and the effort she continues to put into training. i still have not bought her the new dobok i promised her i would buy when she passed green belt, but she is not angsty about that. she is fine without it. it’s just something i wanted to do, and i will, in the next week or so. and then, i’ll let her work for a while at this level. spend some time on that green belt. learn her new techniques and self defense moves. grow comfortable with them over time. i really do think it important to spend lots of time on your foundation. everything will build more beautifully and comfortably atop that, if you do.

i want to spend some more time with her here at home, give her some one on one instruction on a few things. one is her new techniques, the jumping front kick as well as the hook kick. in class, you just can’t always get extended personal and focused instruction on areas of a technique you are studying. that is why you need to augment dojang time with home training time. you are shown the correct technique at the dojang, you are supervised on it over time as you try to progress, but for drill-down focus, you need to invest personal time. and i want to give some of that to her here, at the beginning of green belt. just a note to myself.

 to the left of this paragraph you see a photo of a bolt. there are many of these at the base of my kicking dummy. there used to be a flimsy plastic cover that went over this part of the base, but paloma kept taking it off, so i just threw it out.

later, i broke a bone in my right foot on this very bolt. i was practicing a jumping reverse turning kick, for the hundredth or whatever time, but it was at night and i was tired, and i think i lost track a bit of that line between “push yourself through the pain/exhaustion/will to give up!” and “hey, i’m starting to fade and i should be careful because when you are tired or weary, you are more likely to injure yourself.”  one of the kicks, i came down and retracted my kicking leg too slowly (something i’ve had to work on a lot in my technique, as well as keeping my arms in, as well as jumping high enough, as well as quickly turning in the air, rather than slowly corkscrewing from the floor up, and so on and so on…) and my foot (instep) came down hard on this bolt. very hard. it basically smashed down into the bolt. when i was done hopping and wailing or whatever i did, i put some ice on it. and sat there for a while. i had no idea it was broken at that point. or cracked. or whatever i did to the bone.

all the pain is gone by now, but on my right foot there is a hard knot of bone where on the other side, it is relatively smooth. whoops! it feels a little freaky, to be honest. but im getting used to the gradual reshaping of my right foot! it reminds me of playing guitar for years. your hand stretches, gets more limber, probably actually gets bigger a bit, the muscles beef up, and you grow calluses. my right foot has been injured so many times that i think it’s probably gonna be pretty ugly in a few more years, tho perhaps somewhat impervious.

and i am feeling hungry. so i’m going to go take care of that. then, later i’ll do some housecleaning and come back to hit a little artwork and writing that needs to be done. it’s a saturday and as it’s one of my days with the most free time, i’m tempted to just sit and watch movies. but there’s time for that later.

i like that last piece a lot. it captured so well what i was feeling, and i like the shape that the words took. but i had to keep it in the draft folder for a couple months. because it was just too heavy. just too real while i was in it. maybe everything has changed. maybe nothing. life’s funny like that. one day, the sun’s rays in the morning feel like an ugly smolder that you wish would fall upon you like a barrel of coals and burn you to the bone. and the next, inexplicably, your heart lifts up like a flower to drink deep the dawn’s light.

i’m not sure which is more terrifying: the depth of shadow that my soul is capable of drifting into, or just the reality that i can move between the dark and the light so easily; so unpredictably, so speedily.

to be honest, some if it’s just money. i’ve managed to hook up a couple tiny side gigs here and there recently—nothing long lasting or extremely lucrative but enough to enable me to ride the bus, get a slice, pay a couple bills—and also got some help from family. life when you are broke and unemployed is no joke. i want to write out something on that. obviously, the post students is not just about poverty; it’s very much about love and loss, too. but i’ve collected numerous notes in my mind simply about poverty. about why poverty is so exhausting. how your days inevitably become a thread of thoughts that all relate to money (and how you don’t have it, and then come the feelings of shame, fear, anxiety, and disappointment); how this thread becomes a mesh that radiates an aura of entropy that you cannot escape no matter which way you move, or what thoughts you ignore; how this energy exerts a weight upon you that grows exponentially until you don’t want to move anymore, until it feels impossible to budge yourself and you grow so tired from resisting the downward pull. how you just want to collapse inward after a while to ease up on the pain of resisting it constantly.

but i’ll save that. as i said—for however temporary it is—i’m currently enjoying a few moments of relief (and for a few reasons, not just because i can wash the laundry and pay a few bills), and walking around with some good feelings, and i don’t want to dive back into that mess any deeper than i have already with my publishing the last post, and these few paragraphs. not right now.

some of the struggle lately has been about physical pain. the nerve damage (or pinched nerve, not sure what it is)/flare-ups in my arm, hand, and neck that resulted from getting kicked in the hand and arm months ago while sparring (fracturing at least one finger which still hurts deep in the joint if you put pressure on it) can be pretty persistent. some days the pain comes and goes…and i can keep it in the background and think hunh, well. it’s a drag, but i guess i could learn to live with this if i must.

but then some days it’s on me like a wet sweater, suffocating me no matter which way i turn. i’ll get (literally) claustrophobic from my inability to escape its clutch. i feel trapped in my body, squirming away from myself, morphed from my once-lovely pain-free frame into a demon that looks like me but has a rushing funnel of white fire for a left arm. it is a white fire like ivy, with tendrils that lash forth and slither into my neck and around the bones there, and across my left upper back. some days my hand will be singing out constantly, a silvery static twinkling in all my fingers and i’ll look at them to make sure they are still there, that they are holding what i thought i was holding because i can’t feel my fingers. on some days, in moments of frustration, i fight the urge to tear at my own body to be rid of it. on those days i will rush home to drink liquor like i used to for my dying tooth nerve—purely medicinally. sending fervent prayers of gratitude with every swallow, as the pain gradually fades behind a wall of blessed numbness.

after a while, i grow to see the pain as a living thing. an entity with its own reasoning and will.

some days, it fades almost entirely. then, i’ll sneer at its capricious nature. i don’t know if it gets tired and needs a rest, or it grows bored of tormenting me. but on some days it fades to the background. i’ll feel my lungs fill with huge sighs of relief to be let go a little. perversely, on those days, i’ll catch myself rolling my head and trying to bump that little button in my neck that sets it all off. as if i can’t believe it’s not there. maybe i’m hoping it’s totally gone from me. or maybe it’s come to the point where i feel slightly uncomfortable with its absence…as if waiting for its inevitable return is an added torture. this vicious invisible pet of mine, this needy, sadistic electric octopus nestled in my arm.

i still hold out hope that one day it will just leave me. find someone else to ride around with. get tired of me.

and now…i want to categorize and list the things that have happened that somehow have me feeling good, sitting high on my bike as i ride through the sun. in no rush. looking upon the world a bit more kindly. brimming with a feeling of possibility.

but as i think them over i wonder if it makes sense to begin bunching up blooms so very fragile. i wonder if these realities and feelings would be mocked by their wordstick counterparts, which probably could only imitate the shapes in my soul—and poorly. you know. i only take words so seriously. i like their feel in my fingers, but i’m usually ready to drop them in favor of catching a strong wind.

no, i don’t want to declare anything over. or changed. it’s too soon for that. as i said, these dunes are ever-shifting. one moment you are sitting, content and peacefully warmed by the sand underneath you—and the next, you are choking on mouthfuls of it and clawing your way to the surface.

anyway. more and more, as time goes on, i find the best things around me, or inside me, and i reward them with silence.

shortly after i made first geup (Red Belt), i was invited to join the dojang’s core demo team (CDT). [Clarification: I was invited to perform in the Demo Team for Korea Night. Only recently (It is now May 30, a day after our Korea Night performance) was I asked to join the CDT. More on this soon in its own post.) To me, this is a huge honor. to be invited, you have to some degree or combination of good technique, dedication, discipline, and passion. i’m sure the formula varies for each person considered, and i’m not here to try and claim that nobody gets on without having X, Y, or Z of A, B, or C. i don’t so much care for that part of the equation. but to have a chance to represent the school and perform in venues in a live setting really thrills me. it steps up the challenges i already take on in taekwondo and for USTC (my dojang), and offers a chance for me to demonstrate and practice even greater discipline and control of technique. the snazzy blue, reflective dobok with the texture and pattern that reminds me of rattlesnake skin is fun, and so is working with a team as a unit. obviously, people take it seriously to different degrees, but i take it very seriously. i have a high standard for myself as it is, and want to bring that to the team, and help show the world through our performance, the level of quality possible to manifest; a level of quality which mirrors the standard which master lee sets forth. because i am dramatic about just about everything as well as prone to a wee bit of the self-aggrandizement, i think of us as the elite squad of USTC; the SEALs unit, the creme de la creme. but thinking of it that way is also my way of demanding full concentration and commitment to the team and how we do and not treating it casually or lightly. and that’s the way i approach my art in general.

the first venue i’ll be participating in is Korea Night. i’m not sure if this is going to take place at the university, or is a local town thing. but it will be an exceptional audience, i am told. for obvious, i think, reasons. mainly that we practice a korean martial art. and one that koreans tend to be very proud of. with good reason! so we are drilling especially hard due to this factor. sloppiness will be noticed. sloppiness not just in technique, but in protocol such as bowing. these are the kind of demands and challenges i enjoy very much. drills, form, physical control, memory, refining performance…physical art. i don’t so much enjoy the demands and protocol of everyday mainstream society. that’s a performance i engage in to varying degrees, according to the current context and why i might feel the need to conform to those requirements. but demo team is part of my chosen art, and i’m all about spending lots of time honing my performance. i am also told that chances are good that we will be met with a very warm reception by this particular crowd. all in all, these are exciting thoughts for me on my first demo team performance, though i won’t pretend they don’t also ratchet up the pressure!

taekwondo practice and protocol—and this especially shows in team coordination and performance such as the demo team embodies—is very military in nature. our march-jog onto and off of stage, the “left face” commands and such, the proper way you move your feet when following these orders; the chain of command; the hierarchy; the respect shown, and how it is shown, the drills, the counting, and so on. i’ve had conversations with martial artist friends that this aspect of our training is satisfying both to practitioners who enjoy the discipline and form of such things, as well as to those of us who feel at home training as warriors, but abstain from the US military due to personal conflict in beliefs with/distaste for the various wars and chaos of our country’s international policies, not to mention the horrific deeds and outcomes of these wars. it is a great middle ground, to my mind.

the first night at demo practice was fun. as well as a bit bewildering! ay, it was like the first day (well, not quite that bewildering) at the dojang all over again. trying to keep up with the format, with drills and shouts and formation that i have only seen once or twice when watching demo team videos on facebook. and that, from a distant camera and mirrored, as it was facing the team, not standing with them. i was a bit lost, but was told i was picking up fast. all in all, i was right where i should have been. you walk and trip before you run. i’ll practice at home today more, and in the days in between demo practice. we have another session tonight. today is a full TKD day. between noon practice, assisting the instruction of kids class, and then later, demo team practice, its TKD all day long.

i need to bone up on Koryo big time. it’s a complex poomsae (hey, it’s the first black belt poomsae after all), i just learned it first three weeks ago, and then last night, we did it facing the mirror instead of the front of the class. whoa. i got really lost for most of it. that irritated the hell out of me. though, yes, i’m being hard on myself. as it is, i’m picking it up relatively fast (or so i’m told), and now putting extra demands on myself with the change in orientation before i really have it cemented in my muscle memory. but all i can do is practice every day a few times until its solid. i have three weeks until Korea night. i’m going to practice it until there is no hesitation. i’m going to practice it from different angles. i’m going to visualize the stage and audience in my mind so it’s not a total shock out there under the lights, and with people making noise and watching. performing Koryo (name of ancient Korean dynasty) on Korea night in my first demo team performance. wow. it’s definitely a challenge, but i’m going to meet it.

i shaved my head for the first night of demo team. for me, it represented a new phase of my practice, as well as ridding myself of the energy and time and fretting i’ve long been putting into my physical adornment; the braiding, the gel, the oils, the dye, the straightening irons, the bandannas, the hats, the self-obsession in the dojang mirror with my hair puffing out, the time i spend watching sweat roll off my hair, wiping it off my face. it was a total joy to shave it off. i let all that nonsense go as the thick, dark hair fell to the floor. i think of the buddhist initiates, the monks who shave their heads as a sign of their dedication and simplicity and rejecting unnecessary vanity or wasted energy in unimportant areas.

i’m also going to use this opportunity to introduce more greens and grains and fruits and veggies into my diet, as i’ve been meaning to do. it all feels right. it’s all happening right on time. i’m entering the final stretch before black belt. time to refine, bear down, purify, dedicate without reserve to this path.

in fact, aside from the strange tightness that ratcheted up in my chest muscles (and other muscles that criss cross my ribs) in response to the injury—which is fading away—i almost feel entirely better. though if i inhale very fully and hold my breath, i can feel the spot in my left chest where the fracture happened. just sort of a…”there” there. a knot that isn’t painful, but perhaps isn’t done entirely healing deep down in the bone.

i actually wasn’t positive it had been a fracture until one night about a week ago when luna crawled up on my chest to sleep one night. a little elbow or dig of her head into my rib there and i almost shrieked as my bone screamed out silently under the pressure you better be careful or i’ll crack again!!! i knew from that feeling, in an instant, that i was feeling the pain of a knitting rib being pressured, and it was nothing like a muscle or bruise sort of pain. it was like a siren going off!

anyway. i’m very glad to have that behind me. if anything, it instilled a lesson in me and now i practice hard on keeping my guard up, protecting my ribs. especially when launching a reverse-spin kick. that’s what happened. i attacked with a reverse spin kick which landed well, right in the belly. i think the person was not expecting it, and sort of snapped his leash, bashing me in the ribs. (they are about 100 pounds heavier and 7 inches taller and 4 belts higher, so it was a bit excessive), BUT that couldn’t have happened if i didn’t drop my guard.

anyway, unless you are prepared to deal with injuries and then keep moving, martial arts is clearly not the pursuit for you! it’s always something. thumb, foot, knee, rib.

—

my tendons and muscles in my legs are surely stretching out. i can tell not only from the fact that i can now touch my head to my knee while stretching, i can also stretch wider, and i can see it on the leg stretching machine. you crank that up by hand, and  use it after manual stretching. about a month ago i was up to 125, and now i’m almost up to 150. that’s pretty groovy. my goal is to be able to do a sideways split in one year.

the looser you can get those muscles, the higher your kicks can be, especially your side kicks, hook kicks, roundhouse and spin hook kicks. my front kick is already pretty good. i can target the chin of someone my height. actually, i can kick higher (and fast with a good snap) than my own head with a front kick. tho these kicks are very effective simply at knee level, or stomach and rib level.

—

i don’t usually like doing poomsae with a group of people. in a group, people seem to rush through them. i’m not sure why. maybe they feel it is a measure of their having memorized them. but i like to slow them down, and find the natural rhythm in each one. hit each stance nice and solid and then glide into the next. they really are amazing, powerful, relaxing. but when you are with a group of people who are rushing through them, you tend to be matching or chasing the person with the sloppiest stances, because they’ll be the first to move to the next move.

plus, when i’m first learning them, i like to really slow them down and feel out my body as i hit each stance to make sure i’m doing it right; nice long front stance, nice solid back stance, etc. i don’t like to practice sloppy because then you always perform it sloppy, even once you remember it. i don’t think everyone gets this. there’s no point in instilling muscle memory if you are memorizing sloppy form. in fact, you will have to work harder later to correct that.

–

i’m very psyched about blue belt test in three weeks. this belt i have now bridged me from my last dojang to this one. it also spans the…thirteen years i stopped formally training. so i’ve had it a long time! plus the belts in this dojang are a tiny bit longer than my old belt. this has a nicer look, i think. also, i don’t like the look of the in-between (instructor) belts! you just get a stripe of tape the color of the next belt. i know that last reason is (okay, the last two reasons are) superficial. either way, i look forward to the test and to passing, and to a new belt and level of proficiency. i will be ready.

i hit my poomsae hard. as soon as i learn it. i go after it every day, multiple times as soon as i’m shown. so i can know it. the sooner you know the progression of moves, the sooner you can spend the rest of the time refining it. some people don’t do this and now, three weeks from the test, they don’t even know it so well…and i know it’s not always their fault. their lives might be such that they can’t spend enough time on it. also, not everyone wants to test every time a test comes up.

from kicking techniques to self-defense moves to poomsae, i’m ready to test and looking forward to it.

–

the local sports joint had a clearance sale on free-standing heavy bags. so i got one at a good price. i’m really happy to have it. sure, it takes up a spot in the living room. but it’s so very handy to practice kicks on, especially the ones where you spin or turn your back. it’s one thing to practice reverse spin kicks and spin hook kicks in place, and in the air. this helps you develop your balance and speed and technique (to a degree). but until you have something to strike, your practice is incomplete.

after all, it does no good to launch a kick that is well executed in most ways if you’re going to land off-center! throw a kick (in competition or in real life) that misses a person, and you are setup to be hit back. having this here really is helping me target better. and helping me to find and perform small tweaks on the technique. such as if you launch a reverse spin kick with feet wider apart, you have to spin/turn a bit further before you unchamber your kicking leg, to hit the target behind you. versus if you launch it with feet closer together, you have to extend a moment sooner to hit that same target. things like that. (these are how i describe these adjustments, but they might not work for you that way. bodies are different, and there’s no accounting for how you read what i’m trying to convey.)

i could tell today in class, after having practiced these kicks for a few days on the heavy bag that my balance was also improved when practicing them in the air. that’s a great feeling. nothing worse than practicing with the class and falling all over! although when you do ten reverse spin kicks in a row (on each side) it is understandable if you get dizzy. happens to the best of us, as they say.

—

i sort of saw things come round on the person who used to mess with me a little bit when i first showed up at the dojang (red belt; i wrote about this earlier) and who kicked me around pretty good in sparring, aaaand whom i realized probably had some social issues in making friends or feeling secure. (he seems to be getting friendlier, by the way). i didn’t complain about any of that, nor did i feed into it, nor did i really take great offense at it. i don’t feed any negativity at the dojang, and it’s not usually an issue because there is rarely any there. but today standing next to him as we practiced our many kicks in class—from hook kick to spin hook to reverse spin kick—i let myself feel a bit of quiet pride. maybe even a tiny tinge of glee. his form cannot hold a candle to mine. nor could he even keep up. hell, his hook kicks looked like mush. no snap at all to them.

nah, i won’t gloat and i won’t rub it in his face. as far as he knows, i didn’t even see or notice, and that’s fine. again, that’s not what i’m there for. to me, part of being a TRUE martial artist involves a positive energy, a kindness (in all instances except when someone comes at you with malice. and even then, you get away from it or dispatch them with speed and efficiency). the very thing he didn’t show me. but he can learn that when he’s ready. i’m not there to teach him. after all, he’s a few belts higher than me. right?

i’m just sayin’. being loud, being higher rank, being able to make the heavy bag swing higher when you kick it…it doesn’t make you a better martial artist. don’t forget one important thing: mind, heart, and body; you are competing against yourself out there. that is the most important challenge to take up. if you find yourself lashing out at those who do not deserve it, well…you are probably dodging that challenge.

I’ve been off my feet and out of training as well as video production for the last week.

I was pretty disappointed, as I was on a groove with training. But when everything lined up the way it did, I knew the universe was providing a pause for me. The truth is, between the emotional experience of the last two years combined with a continuous weekly video production schedule; a new, intense taekwondo training schedule, and everything else in my life, I was feeling pretty harried, lately. There’s no doubt about that. I definitely needed some kind of break. So, hey! Why not a rib?

FOR MATTER OF PERSONAL RECORD

Before I got the message my brain was trying to send me, I tried to push through the pain of of the injury—which, by the way, is nothing major as far as I can tell—but after the Tuesday night session at the dojang, I felt worse. This is four days after the initial night where I got popped hard in the ribs at the end of a tournament training class (sparring).

So I went home and tried to find a proper suspender wrap method to damp out some of the pain, but was left in the end feeling a bit winded and annoyed. And ridiculous. I think it was all that gleaming, toothy metal. Or perhaps just a natural consequence of wearing suspenders sideways.

It’s times like this you suddenly thank your ribcage. Curling around your most vulnerable parts like an ivory fist, protecting your organs from the many things that would crush or bump or squeeze them in a day. They are rather amazing. Bone, and yet arranged in a way and woven together with muscle so they are flexible enough to move a bit when you breathe, and bend.

I’ve been reading about symptoms and diagnosing myself for many years…it’s because of my mother. I grew up around PDRs and anatomy books and her being a nurse all my life. I long ago became good at taking note of symptoms, when they began, in what context, and many details about the new sensations or body changes that might be useful in diagnosing. Those were the questions my mother would always pose to me when I came to her with news of an injury or illness.

After reading about fractured ribs, it seemed a good possibility. In any case, it was not a good idea to risk heart or lung damage, as one of the pain spots is in the front, over my heart. (“Fractures of the higher ribs potentially pose damage to the aorta.”) It was lines like that that decided it for me. But for those first four days, I was doing my stubborn thing that I do with my body. Ignoring the pain.

Then again, when you are practicing daily to not let the mind interfere with your training with all its pain and lazy signals on a constant basis, it needs to raise the volume when there is real danger.

Even as it heals, I don’t know if it was cracked or fractured or just bruised or what. I think maybe it is not fractured. I’m guessing it got hit hard, and bruised, or perhaps jammed back into the muscles like a jammed finger.

Or maybe it is just a tiny hairline fracture that has knit itself fast using all the jalapeño juice I’ve been feeding it. I don’t know for sure. As the hospital is charging me $600 for a bandaid and five minutes of their time already, I don’t dare go in for an actual X-ray type situation. Some Tiger Balm and later, hot shower time and one more day of rest oughtta do it.  I can’t take much more than that anyway! I’m feeling so restless.

DRAWING THE SEAM OF SUMMER SHUT

Speaking of my foot, it is nearly entirely healed. The wound is nearly all closed over with scar. And the part where boiled water splashed on me peeled away, leaving a rather interesting patch of  lighter skin on my summer-tanned foot. I have not thrown out the broken culprit cup. I loved that pretty blue cup. It’s that bright, translucent blue. The color of the bottles you’d see on windowsills in houses in the country. I guess I’ll glue it together. And use it for something. Not for drinking, though. It has lost that privilege.

I woke up at 4 this morning and soon had an idea on script  for new video. Scribbled down all my thoughts. Talked out a rough draft of the monologue, recorded it for reference later. I’ve also been doing more work for Digital Stoneworks, for our game. That seems to be picking up a little. Looking forward to making progress on that. This next week will be back to work on a few fronts, but at a slower pace than previously. A slower and more attentive pace.

Hey. I also solved the Sage of the Wind Temple in Zelda:Wind Waker, and restored the Master Blade’s power to dispel evil. Which is very cool.

And I formally received my stripe and certificate for this last belt test. I’d already memorized Taegeuk Sa Jang in the week I set out to do. Now to keep practicing it, refining it. The hardest part is the first remembering of it. The whispery skeleton of vines upon which you’ll soon hang thunder. That first imprint is a watering. That is the precious sapphire secret in the bud.

i was reading the bhagavad-gita yesterday in the sunlight in front of my home. sitting on an asphalt shelf at the edge of the parking lot that sits in place of a yard in front of my apartment building. there was moss all about my feet, and a shaft of light about three feet wide came down through a clearing in the two trees that stood overhead. i sat in that light, and it warmed me and rejuvenated me. i looked up and it were as if the giant beam of golden sun was a slide or ladder that connected the airy halls of the sun gods with the very small piece of stone upon which i sat.

in the sky, above the leaves, dancing in the bright aura of the sun were small white motes of matter that drifted slowly, some falling gradually earthward. the wind played with the leaf-thick branches above me that opened to create the space where the sky shone through and my breath caught in my throat and tears came to my eyes as i beheld the entire happening. i was alone in this perfect moment of beauty, and happy simply to witness it. the smells of scented oil and beeswax drifted about in the warm wind, scents i had put on earlier that the sun was now calling forth, and they mixed with the smells of warming moss and earth and sky.

after a moment, i raised my camera to capture the amazing nature of this miles-high beam of light that the sun was sharing with me. but the foto was like a dull impression of the scene, bringing nothing of the experience through. i put down my camera and continued reading.

–

today i found two things. the charger for my slimmest camera and my glasses, broken though they are. this is good! finding lost items to me is an auspicious event. when i lose them i do my best to let them go, as everything comes and goes, but i’ll admit i really don’t like losing things. i have systems that help me keep my things and remember where they are. but the house is still messy in parts. the slow “spring cleaning” that will remake my home is yet to reach all corners of the abode. often i choose time to relax and unwind and give my mind and body some peace. this is time i could be cleaning the house, but without any time to slow down and ponder or wander or muse or simply set and reflect, life becomes a grim, anxious and unhappy place.

at the same time, too much clutter around you will cramp your mind and your thoughts and intrude more than might be immediately apparent. it is very important to not get too comfortable in the rubble.

these things must be balanced with working enough to feed yourself and retain access to your parking-lot embedded box of rubble!

–

was reminded through my readings and reflections yesterday that the emotion-strong warrior needs discipline. discipline is the answer to the chaotic and warring inner nature that bemoans the painful tasks ahead; to the untapped energy, to the desires that yank and pull and tug at all seams.

my writing to those who renounce violence as if virtuous was born from reading through Krishna’s words to Arjuna, who hesitated to allow this war that enjoined all his friends and family and pitted them against each other. Krishna did not tell Arjuna why it was okay to do so. he instead reminded Arjuna not to be attached to the outcomes of his actions, instead acting out of a centered place within himself that desired not individuality, recognition, or a certain outcome. hopping books or paradigms, one might say he reminded him of the Tao, of being, and acting from that place. Krishna also chastised Arjuna for imagining that his reluctance to violence was virtuous, instead framing it as weakness in disguise.

if i wanted to produce something dazzling, i suppose i could have beefed that little poem out. i could have named all the violences that play and prey upon the good people and the small people and the young people, i could have framed it as a call to meet that battle. i could have tied this in to so much of the “left”s persistent prattle about how useless protest and civil disobedience etc is and so on. but i have nothing to convince the onlineleft of today, and had nothing yesterday either.

–

battle? warrior? are you wondering how much i am putting you on? how much is game here that i am playing? how much i believe? how much is drama?

war was brought to me as a child. was it brought to you? if so you better admit it. and look at what imperative it laid upon you. to not recognize that is to become a haywire atom, carrying fight and reaction throughout your life without having purpose or discipline through which to train yourself to meet or carry out the particular battle that was laid upon you in your youth. and perhaps i have done a lot of that. but life has chapters, a person’s life has chapters, and we age as we climb that mountain of story. our hair whitens, our teeth fall out, our bones become less flexible and if are truly american™, we hardly get wiser, but only slower and crazier and soon don the robes of uselessness that our nation demands of us before we are warehoused and comatose with disuse and drugs. but if we are wiser than our TV, we use these years, we grow along with the number of pages that tells our tale. we train and we learn, and we train and learn. there is something age brings that nobody can emulate, produce, or shortcut. that something is time. time with which to practice repetition; time with which to delve deeper; time with which to train further. to waste that time is to throw away life.

by war, do i mean a dour countenance? a grim, bloody, violent arc? not at all. i mean fight was given me, and i would not see it as useless. energy imbued and transferred and i would not have it ricochet and tear down the very walls of this temporary temple but instead use that force to etch purpose, righteous purpose. to leverage that energy and to carry it further, fueled by that purpose.

in reading yesterday, what seemed important to me was the reminder to Arjuna how important discipline is. and how, without it, the warrior becomes lost in indecision, becomes delusional about one’s strengths vs. one’s fears, burrows into a small view that too easily becomes about the individual and their stew of warring inner forces. with disciplined action, one moves in service of something larger; one can overcome their tiny personal limitations. i suppose this meant something because i understand it already.

–

do we learn things or do we just wake to them when it is time? is all our deep wisdom but seeds already germinating in our heart? if so it is our job to find the light and water that nourishes them; in the twilight to be as still as dawn so that they can sprout when the dawn moves in us; to take action daily to maintain their health. to harvest these visions and realities as we become them.

The flowers whirl away
In the wind like snow.
The thing that falls away
Is myself.

Hana sasou
Arashi no niwa no
Yuki narade
Furi yuki mono wa
Waga mi narikeri

—THE PRIME MINISTER KINTSUNE

i am doing the spring cleaning thing, finally. i wondered when it would manifest. we are into july. but it had to be a moment that chose itself. one thing led to another.

it’s really amazing when you can sit back and stop trying to tie ends together and bring certain realities to bear…trying to arrange things against their own movement into the shape you think best, and instead become watchful and flexible so that you can move yourself to best enjoy or appreciate what things life is doing and bringing your way. what treasures reveal themselves, then. ones you’d not have thought to look for. and many seemingly magical coincidences.

i finally got behind all my furniture in the living room. cleared the junk away behind everything. threw some things out, rerouted some wires. i’ll need to do this to the kitchen soon. i did a halfway job–which looked pretty good–but then dishes crowded in on everything. i really need to get rid of/give away most of my dishes. there is no reason for them anymore. i need only one small set. an extra two for visitors, which i can keep put away. for myself a glass, a cup, a plate, a bowl, a fork, a spoon, a knife and chopsticks. that should do it. there is no reason my sink and counter should get piled up with enough dishes to feed a blogging convention.

master lee is a great sabum, a great teacher i can tell right away. not only does word of mouth move around him like a wide ring of fresh energy, extolling his kindness and ability, but it is plain to see.

luna's first day at the dojang

luna has not yet really been able to enjoy her class. the first time she came with me to all belts practice, but it was above her ability and she felt a bit shy and didn’t really know what to do but  she’ll engage and have a great time when she attends the children-specific class, which would’ve happened already but she caught the nasty cough her sister has and they are both quarantined for now.

but it sure is great to see her in her dobok. not only is she the most adorable white belt ever, but it’s always been important to me to have my girls (my girls especially, tho i’d like to see all my kids in tkd) train since rainsong was little (tho my attempst there failed). her mother wasn’t interested in that idea, but instead put rain into bible camp and horse riding courses. i tried my best, when i could, to introduce rainsong to the idea and to practicing. but you know how those busted relationships can go…some people will specifically strike anything from your kids’ life that you want or that reminds them of you, so deep is their loathing for the other parent of their child. this is still one of those cases.

rainsong and me, 1996ish

when you think about it, it’s impressive that some people can maintain active hate for decades. it’s like a worship of you, in a way. you remain that important to them…even if negatively. hmm. yeah. not for me. that life is not for me. i honor nobody with that kind of self-immolation.

soon luna will make friends in the dojang and she will (i hope?) love it. master lee already asked a few people (girls) on that first day to help luna get her dobok on when she first was fitted, and they whisked her away to later come back with dear luna in her outfit. she looked like a doll!

then, since lunita didn’t really know what you do in a dojang, she told the girls she was going to cover her eyes and they should run and hide. that sort of broke my heart. not that luna was sad, or confused, or anything bad happened. it didn’t. they agreed, and luna covered her eyes, but i actually brought luna to me before she had a chance to start a game, so i could keep her  close.

even the sweet moments watching your child can break your heart into a billion pieces for reasons you don’t even know. your children can seem so sweet, and so naive; so helpless and to survive, dependent on the good graces of the cruel, cruel world. watching them meet the world can surprise you, can rend you with pain you normally never feel for yourself, so inured you are to the way things are. even watching someone else tell her to not lean on the mirrors is not easy, in a tiny, private way. but only for a moment. it will all be good for her, which is of course why she is there. i can be very sensitive to my hypersensitive luna’s feelings, i know. which is why it will be best to give her to the children’s class and master lee, and back off of that part.

master lee brought good reminders to help her feel the dojang was ‘her place’ and to simply support her and tell her she did a good job. which i did. soon, she will meet all the younger kids there, and enjoy the special attention that master lee gives them.

i am still mightily sore, but in different ways than after the first day. and without so much pain. most excitingly, i did better on pacing myself. which is important if i want to make it through the entire class. if i don’t watch out for my pacing, i’ll launch every punch, strike, and kick with full kihap and full intensity, full speed and full extension. this will end up with me heaving for air.  master lee tells me that for the first month, i should keep my energy at about 6, instead of 10 because while my body remembers how to practice, i need to recondition and bring it back to training shape. he has to remind me a few times, but its sticking. i finished last class without stopping, tho many times i was close and really had to push through. he had us doing these wall to wall running, kicking, bowling, shotputting, basketball motion type drills which were exhausting. he told me he developed those specifically for when he was training the olympic tkd team.

on friday, master lee made sure to come around at the start of new exercises and show me the form, which i appreciated. i want to learn the movement from him. most people practicing that i’ve seen up close (lower ranks especially) often implement varying degrees of sloppiness, and i need to see a crisp original so i can copy it exactly. even if not sloppy, not everyone has the ability to render a martial arts movement beautiful. some bodies and brains just don’t seem to get there; they don’t feel that groove to lock into, or won’t snap tightly at the right moment, or maybe they just get there later, i don’t know. but i pay special attention to those who perform these moves a certain way. obviously, master lee is one of those. my body wants to do these moves without any loss of signal, without any degradation of art. of those who practice forms/poomsae sort of loosely or halfheartedly, i don’t think they are bad practitioners. but i guess i don’t understand why they are not getting everything out of it you could. gliding and then jamming and locking it out…extending, floating and BAM…. it’s a conscience-laden, gorgeous dance that has a center, a core that ties it all together. it’s not just a collection of moves that are arranged in a linear sequence like a checkbox list. if i sound judgmental, it’s not in a mean way. just in a way where i evaluate a context around me and decide where i need to be within that.

it made me feel very good that this focus of mine was noticed by a few people already (black belt instructors among them), people who made it a point to tell me. this lets me know i’m not living in a dream of my own imagining, but am demonstrating with my body what is taking place within, and that this performance mirrors my own perceptions. to me, taekwondo really is an art and it really must be perfected for the whole essence to work, i feel. not that you have to get stuff perfect right away, or soon. but my art will require me to get there at some point, to aim for that. martial arts (tkd) to me is like an invaluable personal close special friend that speaks to me on a very true level. because of that i feel i understand what its creators were/are getting at, i’ve grokked that since i first began training. that’s why my love for it is so deep. it does what religion tries to. it guides you along a path that allows you to access a higher self, a pure self that demonstrates focus, strength, balance, energy, and love into your life, into your body, helps you become a vessel of as much. but you have to work it like it is an art, not just a hobby and not just something you do for aerobics.

right now i’m trying my best to catch up on the forms, and the commands and responses. master lee’s dojang has a whole new set of protocol. what you say when you enter, what you say when you leave. what you shout in response to his drills. i feel all bumbly and unschooled! keeping my responses quiet as i listen to how others do it. hey, i’d love to come in all knowledgeable, but we all learn, and we all progress if we want to. its good for the humility bone. and again, i just can’t stand people who don’t know how to be humble on the mat about what they have yet to master. there’s something beautiful about a person’s humility as they learn something important to them. they only shine brighter once they learn and learn well.

—i stop here to muse suddenly on the fact that some people who know me only from online interactions might think i am not humble or that i cannot be, or am the opposite of humble (often my ego is a monster, it is true). i’ve heard as much. then again, as i try to remind them, you don’t know me from only reading me online. none of us know each other if that is the depth of our relationship and i stand by that. but despite the validity of that opinion, and however we are perceived, the truth is that we are many things and could become any of those things we choose. to whatever degree we want. we must find those things and pursuits and ways that help us become the self we feel is truest.

on protocol in the new dojang, i’ve got my sheet of paper and i’m finding pronunciation on youtube, and i’m listening hard in class, and asking when i’m stumped on something. i studied stuff about General Choi and some Korean history when i used to train, but i’m pretty sure in this school and our style of tkd, General Choi is de-emphasized, and i think it is because of the split in style and origins. i have to read more on it. but i also have to do my work for pay, for rent. so dividing time wisely is key. but soon i will get a couple books from the library out so i can expand my understanding of this art and its history. which reminds me, i’ve also taken up more reading lately.

it would be easy to dive fully into training and let many other things fall away. i have to find a balance there, too. for now i am going to three classes a week, and trying to see how that fits into my schedule. maybe later i will go more. when the body stops being sore at three times a week! mixing it up is good. so was the slushy margarita i got at the bar and grill down the street from the dojang on friday, after class. i have a feeling i’ll be back there, too.

this morning i read the intro to mein kampf, and most of a book of japanese poetry.

other things have happened that are worthy of discussing. but i’ve written here long enough.

there are many activities that leave the body sore. i know of a few. but that first week of training in taekwondo—when you’re more used to sitting and typing or sitting and watching movies—is one you won’t forget. it’s this pained prideful condition. where every move hurts, and if you have a cough that is trying to clear your lungs, well. that’s a rough combination to have with sore rib muscles. but so sore. so very sore. so sore your toes feel broken. so sore, each damn toe feels independently sore and you ask yourself how on earth did i strain each toe muscle???

at the same time, you feel so good. your body is rebuilding itself stronger so that you can do more tomorrow than you could yesterday. you feel your flesh reinvigorated, responsive, full of random bursts of energy. and sore. but strong. so oddly strong that your own body feels alien. as if you woke up with ten times the amount of muscles in your frame you ever had, each one communicating with your brain, saying HEY i’m HERE! hey! HEY! HEY! and while it hurts…you marvel at this new condition. walking around the house—hobbling around the house—you may stop and suddenly strip your shorts at random moments to run your fingers over the newly-stone-strong rivet of muscle in strong relief along your hip. you are almost scared of the strong feeling in your torso. this thick, wiry weave of muscles suddenly at attention and taut.

it’s addictive. because that pain fades. and so does the supernatural feeling of strength, settling eventually into simply being “in shape.” but all the while you feel that pain, you know you have called upon your body to rise higher. and it is. it hurts, but you will be stronger, faster, and imbued with just a bit more stamina and endurance, all conditions being equal. there are of course, other physical factors that can possibly interfere with that improved performance and wellness. limited oxygen supply, or poor health in one area or another. conditions that won’t go away in some cases…like lungs that don’t work right.

soon, the pain fades and while you feel bouncier and stronger, there is this surge of energy. rushing through your body. and an impatience….or, no. an angst. an ache…a potential. a store of potential that now awaits use. you have called upon your physical self for more resources. it has responded. now it demands validation for that response.

so you get out there and push more. gently, but firmly, forward. beyond. and there will be more pain. and more feeling of health. and pride. and then, more demand for more activity.

the human body is so beautiful in action. and by action, i mean even even sitting still, with these rivers and tides of blood that move through us, feeding our flesh; with the thoughts and electricity that navigate our gray matter and make sense of our material and everchanging world; with the life-giving air the feeds our brain through our lungs and keeps that ocean of life moving in and out and in and out of our body. just living, the body is amazing. and at times, alien to  itself. at times it does strange things. sends the wrong signals. does self-harming things.

i threw out a few paragraphs the other day from an article i found thought provoking. it spoke of (psychiatric) diagnoses as dangerous; as limiting our view and experience of a person, or of life. i let these ideas turn in my self for a while, sometimes. tasting all the layers of my reception of a thought. make some kind of sense of it. i think i agree with that idea. That is, when you begin thinking of yourself as a diagnosis, you begin shrinking. When your identity becomes In What Way I Cannot Do, a path is carved out and that’s where your feet will fall. At the same time, a diagnosis can be very important. for different reasons. to treat something that would get worse without attention. to have in idea why you cannot do what others around you can.

i had no diagnosis for whatever it is that is wrong with my lungs in high school. until i was out of school for three years. and what a relief it was to hear that i had something. exercise induced asthma they called it, after a pulmonary functions test, which involved a series of lung exercises…that are strangely painful in ways not expected. especially, i suppose, if you have cause to get this particular diagnosis. it’s not the kind of asthma that gives you sudden fits when you get into a dusty room. this is a type where during periods of exercise, the brain, called upon to open the bronchial tubes to supply the blood with more oxygen because the body is operating at an elevated level of physical stress, instead shrinks them, cutting off oxygen supply to your blood when you need it most. which, of course, means you must stop whatever it is you are doing, be it running, jumping, or kicking. there simply comes a point where your chest aches because your blood is starved for oxygen and your heart can’t pump fast enough to bring it.

other people around you can keep going. they seem superhuman. your chest is seizing up and you want to push through. you try. you are embarrassed at how fast you are fading. you call upon your willpower to plow through. and pain seizes your heart with increasingly iron fingers and you simply cannot do it. sweat runs in sheets down your face, your neck, your scalp, your back. soon, you curl down to the ground and rest, heaving. others may say something or not.

not having a diagnosis means you are Normal, but insufficient. not as good. i actually thought i had a heart problem when i was a teen because of this. so having a diagnosis means you can console yourself that there is a REASON you can’t do what they can. but it doesn’t remove the reality of it. and the danger of using that as an excuse in your own mind is always a possibility. i don’t do that. i push until i can’t go anymore. and then i stop. what else is there to do?

i remember falling into the locker room in high school after a day of particularly hot and harsh jv football practice, vomit rising in the back of my throat. my skin was wet and electric, pores nearly puckered with a thirst for oxygen. screaming shimmery feeling all along my scalp. i fell onto the metal bench and my lungs scraped the air for precious oxygen. i couldn’t do it anymore, football practice. not another day. it was too hard. i told my best friend that night. he was the second smallest in our class. i was, of course, the smallest. we teamed up when everyone coupled off for drills. which meant that i had to carry him up my back, both of us with football gear on, as we ran drills up the super steep hill that ringed our playing field. however, we were not equal in size, and there was a gap between “smallest” and “second smallest” that was a bit steep.

he responded strongly when i told him i had decided to quit the team. his was a sports family, and i was at his house when i told him. he had eight siblings. generations, practically, of sports achievers. talking of quitting  there was heresy. i wasn’t even thinking that he had to be partially concerned with pairing up with someone even bigger than himself if i was no longer on the team. not to be ungenerous, however. i think he didn’t want me to quit because of what it would “say” to everyone about me. or what it meant to him. both. also, he didn’t want to lose my presence on the team, sure.

i let him talk me out of quitting. i stayed on, finished the school year as the smallest running back tri-valley junior varsity had who lost three yards the only time he carried the ball in a game. but i finished.

i’m proud of that decision. always have been. i think it was the first time i really really wanted to quit something, and pushed through. this is no small thing when it comes to small town football, either, let’s be real. being on a team or not will have an effect on your social standing. even if not, quitting sure will.

i think hanging in there was probably a very good lesson for me. i think quitting high school a year later was a good decision, too. but while i left with the lesson that i could push through pain and against my own desire to take the softer road, i left with no understanding of what was wrong with my body. or that there was anything wrong. i had my own ideas of what was going on. and it would be another four years or so before a doctor told me why i could never finish a basketball game without resting.

comparative to most people i’ve had reason and means by which to measure, i am a fast moving person. i won’t pretend i am not proud of it. it is, of course, beyond my doing. like my good muscle tone, i attribute it to not much more than genes. but i don’t mind being proud of my physical skills or shape. i won’t put that away for anyone, that pride. i don’t care what their problem is. more than one or two people tried to physically control and degrade and humiliate me growing up. it is my pleasure to nonetheless be fast enough to run circles around many people. small and agile and strong and super quick. when i hit that court, or mat, people just don’t know where i’ll be in the next second. which is why i love challenge like taekwondo. that speed and balance doesn’t really matter out in the street-walking world. it is not engaged, utilized, or nurtured. unimportant. feels like a waste. of course you get soft in modern living. easy to be sedentary. but get into a dojang, and then these things matter, then you can make use of more of your entire Self.

but after only a little while of intense output, i use up all the energy. it’s like a video game, and i’d burn that energy bar down to the empty position, while demonstrating triple speed powers. i always thought the wall of pain and depletion i’d hit before long was due to my above average speed and twitch potential (which i’d later learn about as a particular chemical that resides in the cell and “snaps” off a part of itself to produce the quick pop of energy that lets you move fast as well as begin moving from a rest position at all) which i could call on. i assumed the chest thing was a gift/curse balance. i guess i still think of it that way. when it comes to these things, i’m inclined toward a final tallying of balance—not to be confused with Fairness.

i have a prescription of albuterol to huff. which helps a little, tho it doesn’t make my lungs work normally. i still max out and have to stop before most people do. and that’s just life.

i don’t talk about this in the dojang. i don’t want special attention, though it’s humiliating to run out of stamina, as this is one of the things we develop in tkd. but i can still condition myself and my lungs, and i can get better and better. and i will. i figure everyone has drawbacks and challenges, and gifts, too. i’m pretty sure there have been world renowned athletes with asthma. overall, i’m very lucky, and that’s one of the reasons i don’t dwell on the lung thing. no, i don’t love this condition and no i am not at peace with it. this synaptic misroute is not my friend. sometimes i get mad about it. damn you, idiot lungs. why do you have to be weird? can’t you see what i’m trying to do here? stop sabotaging me!! my will is so very strong, my heart inexorable. i push myself on my bike or in my dojang with all intensity available to me. i leave no molecule of effort, no cell, no wavelength of joy behind. but my body remains clay.

and/but i love my body, too. and i will do what i can to help it overcome. more conditioning, healthier air. at least i quit smoking cigarettes…6 years ago? something like that. which means, they are still recovering from that abuse that began at 14 years old. it takes a long time to negate the effects of that poison.

finally, we can’t all be turned up to 11 with every trait. you have to know yourself and use your skills where they excel, and compensate for your weakenesses. like when you create a character in AD&D. high strength, low intelligence? you make that one a warrior. high dexterity, high intelligence, low strength? thief. high intelligence, low strength, high constitution? perhaps a magic-user. that’s life. if i will never have record-breaking endurance, i will use other strengths. regarding self defense, i give special loving focus to strikes that debilitate at once, and that rely on speed. regarding olympic style sparring, i give special loving focus on moves that give advantage to fast reaction time, ability to close in fast, and score through surprise. unpredictability. train and prepare for those who would try to wear you down. what would be their weakness? prepare for that. don’t let yourself be exhausted and left with nothing. and so on.

meanwhile, i do have breath. that, above all, is what matters. as was said the day before yesterday while in conversation about self-defense with an instructor at the dojang, if you don’t have your health, what is there to defend?