the funny part is this test is coming up in five weeks, and all the while the demo team is preparing for the biggest martial arts demo that hits town all year: the asian celebration. which takes place in three weeks. and normally i’d be more ratcheted up on nerves about that. but it almost feels soothing to concentrate on those drills. once upon a time, the spotlights and stage of a demo like this would definitely be unnerving me a bit more. and yet, at this point, a demo is something i’ve done over and over. i know that when we are out there i can fall into a zone that relies on nothing more than the training i’ve drilled on. and it’s training i’ve drilled on for a while now.

on the other hand, i’ve been anticipating my black belt test (a goal which gets increasingly and speedily less abstract since 1995). so that looms larger, of course.

but i’ve found that the best antidote to nerves is proper preparation. maybe not for everyone, nor every situation. but for me, in this case, the tighter your memory/muscle memory is on what you are to do, the less reason to worry. the less room there is, even, for worry to exist.

—

hard to believe i’ve been practicing with the demo team since march or april of last year (2011)! i think of what we’ve done together…i think of the challenges we’ve had to deal with, with no time to prepare. like the time  it rained so hard at an outdoor demo the little stage was flooded and we weren’t sure how it would go with spinning kicks and such. visions of us flying off our feet and landing on our heads in front of all the park. or the time the stage was half as big as the space we’d been practicing for. or the time we couldn’t do the demo inside after all, and the team didn’t all have tkd shoes so everyone decided we’d do the demo barefoot to maintain a uniform appearance—and on the gravel of the parking lot. we’ve always pulled it out, made it through.

funny how that happens. it doesn’t seem long ago that i was training for my very first demo…korea night of 2011.

and then you look up one day and realize you’ve gone and become practiced at a thing.

—

i’m very grateful for the time i’ve put into training with the team. doing so, for the past year (10 months) has forced me to consistently practice advanced techniques, breaks, and performance–as well as repeat, over and over, all the basic moves. self defense grabs, one step sparring, and basic kicking techniques. as these have been part of our practice and regular demos, we never stop going over these things. you go over some of that in classes…but this has definitely afforded me a deeper level of training, and i’m glad for it. honestly, i’d not want to be testing for black in a month without it.

—

i talk my head off about all this, as you know. and as i’ve noted at least once before in this blog, that’s not really what martial arts is about. i’m sure i’ll underline the point again after another year of blabbing my head off! don’t get me wrong: what you read here is the extent of my blabbing. i don’t go around talking about taekwondo with cashiers, people on the bus, or at the bar. in the spoken world, and in the moving about world, my taekwondo becomes a private thing. but here, well. this is where i take notes. keep notes. and i’m more glad of that habit than perhaps i am now for any blog i’ve kept. it’s allowed me to look back and very clearly see where i’ve made progress, and to remember what the challenges are that i’ve dealt with. that’s been very helpful. but there’s not a need in every day life to talk so much about it. it’s more of a doing thing, as massive attack says about love. it’s a doing word.

and how i do love doing it.

—

i’m feeling some progress in my tornado round kick. this has been a slow one to get down for me. it’s been since brown belt i’ve been working on this kick (a year and a few days), and you know how it goes: a little bit at a time. almost like a plant growing. you don’t notice any movement for a while. suddenly one day you see that the plant has three leaves where only two existed. one morning you see that it stands higher than the little sculpture next to it. when did that happen? you don’t know. but suddenly, there is noticeable change.

i could try to qualify exactly how i experience this change. i’d say, mostly, i feel a bit more balance…or control. i don’t lose so much of my orientation with that spin. in turn, i can spin a little faster. so that when i end up on the other end of the spin, i am not so off-balance. just a fraction more sense of balance in your body and brain helps a lot. the more control you can retain of your sense of directionality, for example, the better you can target your kick. the more you can stay upright, the more force you can bring to your kick. then there’s the spacing thing, which is a huge part of this kick. “controlling your distance” master lee calls it. (a big part of how effective you are as a fighter is how well you control the space between yourself and your opponent. the tornado round kick is a great one for closing a little distance, if you need to. but ideally, you should be able to do one without closing distance. either way, controlling how much space this kick takes up is a big part of learning how to throw it successfully.)

so it’s coming together just a bit more lately. i could feel it throwing some tornado round kicks into the bob dummy on…tuesday night. i was landing all of them on target and bob was rockin’ hard. i was like yeahhhh. love that sound. you know when your technique is on point for the night when you begin landing kicks on bob that go WHOMP and the sound bangs through the whole dojang. you know you are hitting the tornado round kick right when you slam that dummy with your foot, and suddenly are in close, still on your feet and seamlessly able to throw multiple jabs at his head without pausing. work those combos, son!

this pleases me because this kick means a lot to me and i’ve specifically been working on it for so long. i can finally begin to feel it beginning to come under my control. beginning! i am not out here trying to kick an apple off a fork, or anything. but give me another year.

—

speaking of progress, i’ve noted some on another front, too: focus. this was something i remember noting at some point [me: link here if you ever find the earlier mention!] that i needed to tighten my focus. if i didn’t write it here, i definitely thought it and even mentioned it in the locker room or something. i realized that if master lee yelled a command i wasn’t expecting, or if someone so much as stopped and looked at me while i did a poomsae, or if someone doing poomsae with me messed up–i was thrown. i’d mess up. i’d stagger, or do a wrong move, or freeze, or have my mind go blank. and i thought to myself “this is no good. you must learn to focus more.” and i knew it was a particular challenge. you can have great technique if you want, or you can hit like a barn falling, but if your concentration is fragile and easily shattered, how can you be effective?

on this, i’ve definitely tightened up a lot. i can stay honed in closer on what i’m doing, stick with the movement from beginning to end without being so easily thrown off track. still, however, master lee standing at the sidelines of demo team practice and watching us with pointed attention can still unnerve me! but overall and over and over, i’ve seen improvement here.

i’ve especially felt a change in that place where we are preparing to begin. ready to spring into action on command or signal. i’ve noticed that i’ve found a…room in my mind that i’d not really used before. a space. a mental space where i am on high alert, waiting for nothing but the signal to begin, my body completely ready to spring forth, and (here’s the important part) with no undue tension or tightness. a narrow degree of concentration that amps up everything to a keen point, and just hangs there. until.

it’s wild! where this space is now, i used to “get ready” or “be ready” or sort of anxiously jitter…it was not a relaxed place. and because of that, i could miss the exact moment to move, or i could be moving from a place of anxiety, or too tense. i did not  know i could find a place where i was both fully relaxed and yet also be cocked, loaded, and with no safety on.

i have no examples yet…but i can feel this is something that will affect everything, not just a specific action in martial arts practice.

—

apparently this is a post for noting progress! wow. on many fronts. i’d not known that when i started writing. what a great way to start a day.

—

the other night i was in the dojang and getting ready for class and suddenly realized i had no inhaler on me. i’ve written here more than a couple times about my lung issues. while i’ve made a lot of progress in my lung power and lung capacity, i can still hit a wall with sustained exertion and my chest can begin to burn like you wouldn’t believe. it’s not just like being short of breath. when this pain hits me, it’s like a deep pain in my heart that makes the thought of continued exertion a laughable matter. and i fear that pain. i fear the pain stopping me, and i fear having to stop in front of everyone. but training regularly, using my inhaler, and not smoking all seem to make it work out. so it’s been manageable.

but when i reached for my inhaler to get my pre-class blast, i realized there was not an inhaler in my locker, my bag, or my jacket. i nearly panicked. that’s my lifesaver. what, i’m gonna suddenly leap cold into an advanced class that i’m only able to handle, after all, after hundreds of hours of conditioning and training AND my inhaler?

so i thought, hell, i’ll skip this class after all. and then i thought, yanno what? it’s a little weird that my backup inhaler is not in my locker, and neither is there one in my gear bag. because i was sure there was. so maybe it’s a sign that i should go for it. see what happens. risk it. 

as i’ve said, so much of martial arts is stepping to your fears.

so i did it. i changed clothes and jumped in. i won’t lie, i did my warmup routine (all basic kicks, blocks, punches, etc) at 60% or 70%, but after that and for the rest of the class, i just did my best and saw if i could keep up. master lee had us doing his olympic training runs up and down the floor, so there is no holding back on that. and he put in me in line 6, the last line, and that means everyone is watching your line come up the floor so there’s no hiding. i felt like i was treading water at the edge of the deep part of the sea. sure, i was doing well, hanging in there…but at what  moment would the cold water rush up and try to claim me?

and then all of a sudden it was diro dorah! all students face the back and straighten your uniforms. dobok tangun. and we were into the routine that ends the class. i had made it. i was incredulous.

i’m sort of caught between wanting to post images as i go, so you can see how the game grows (and that would be on our blog, i should specify), and wanting to avoid giving too much away, or, alternately, planting the seed of a visual that may (at this point i can say most likely will) later change, and frustrate those who were privy to the early iterations of the art. but as i type it out, i think that can think of a way to get the benefit and avoid the downfall of writing on the game development. so you may wanna keep an eye on the DS blog. as this thing heats up, we’ll certainly be adding more over there.

—

bruises on my knee

my rib is healing up pretty well. just a week or so of pain, i guess. a very localized pain, and not hard to deal with. i’ll be on the look out to see if the original injury is going to be acting up like this every time i take some whacks to the ribcage. which is not so bad. always the scariest part is not understanding why something is happening with your body. once it’s a known, it’s easy not to get stressed out when it comes around again.

–

so here we are now in the year of the dragon, and so many things feel to be coming together. it’s almost uncanny how sweetly this is happening on a few fronts, but life—being life—will surely deliver her usual load of obstacles along the way, so i feel no worry about that! meanwhile, most of these events i speak of are not happenstance, or random occurrences, but rather the natural culmination of work made. work on the inside, work on the outside. however we want to frame it, the year is beginning with many auspicious, encouraging, and exciting developments. i have a very good feeling about this year.

my black belt test will be on march 10 (only four days after my birthday), and i continue to prepare. reports are handed in, i train anywhere from 6 to 9 times a week. some of those days are demo team, some are assisting instruction kids classes, some are regular classes. they all serve an important purpose, they are all required.

which is, i suppose, a fair segue into the very exciting tho somewhat startling news that i’ve been asked to step up to assistant team captain for the demo team! whoa. this really took me by surprise. R is the team captain, but as a fourth dan with a massive number of hours per week (he is there anytime the dojang is open, has been for years, and is master lee’s right hand man) that’s understandable. my buddy J used to be assistant team captain, but in testing for second dan, he injured himself and has been out since october. i hardly know what i do or have done to deserve the assistant team captain position, but if the team coach and team captain feel i can do the job, i will do my best to prove their trust is well founded. i’ll admit that i’m slightly uneasy at taking a position where i’ll be critiquing and helping ranks higher than me with their technique, but i’ll be sure to preface my stint with a declaration that i’m seeing this role assignment as a way to provide an extra pair of eyes, and not as a statement that my technique is flawless or necessarily better than anyone i’m critiquing. or at least, i imagine i’ll say that. then again, what i say to the team will depend on how K or R introduce the new position. i’d be happy to not have to lookout for people’s egos all that much. i mean, these are all blackbelts and chodanbo. as a martial artist you are expected to be able to handle your ego. but i’m sympathetic to the fact that this could be a slightly touchy moment! anyway, it was a real honor to be asked. i didn’t see it coming at all. on the other hand, i think this, as well as having to spend a lot of time assisting and teaching the kids, actually addresses areas i need to address in my martial arts journey.

as you’ve noticed, i talk (well, write) a lot about my focus…about my attention to where i need to improve, about my journey in martial arts, about the physical injuries, about rising above, about keeping humble, about goals, about progress—but this is all internal stuff. i work very hard, but keep my focus inward. and for most of your color belt days, this is (i think) the way to do it. avoid too much focus on others, aside from when they can help you learn. avoid worrying about how their technique might need to improve. avoid getting distracted. focus on yourself. keep your head down to the grindstone.

but at a certain point, you are forced to come out of this cocoon. your transformation as a martial artist must include a growth out of yourself; a lifting the eyes off the grindstone, and a broader view, that includes others. this is where assisting instructing comes in, the teaching credits requirements for black belt, the black belt oath, the giving back to the community. these are not incidental, but very much part of the philosophy and practice of martial arts. i’ve touched on this idea at least once before, but i didn’t realize until diving into assisting instructing that i have hesitancy at all in correcting others’ technique or acting as an authority. this actually surprised me a lot! i know myself…i know i have lessons to impart; i’m an oldest brother; i’m a natural teacher; i’ve been a counselor; i’m a father. i’m also prone to being a know-it-all (tho i’ve lost much of this behavior or impulse over the years). through much effort and time, i’ve grown much in my ability to bring issues to a person and can do it assertively, kindly, and without being aggressive or weird. in other words, i should have no problem with the role of teaching/instructing others. and yet…i do not carry all or the entirety of my habits and personality into the dojang. in fact, i very much transform to the best of my ability. i think if martial arts is approached properly, in fact, you leave most of your self at the door. this, too, is the idea. you come into training humble, open, like a sponge, and ready to learn and listen. and it seems i’ve done such a good job at that that by now it feels weird to begin looking up out of myself, focusing on others, speaking to them about their technique, and in general, assuming any kind of authority. it’s not a moral authority, to be clear, or anything more than the natural hierarchy of taekwondo, very much based on the work you’ve put in (rank), and the techniques you’ve mastered. so there’s no reason it should be an ugly sort of authoritarian gig. but i guess that’s a ground i’m feeling out now. this position as assistant team captain nudges me further into this somewhat uncomfortable area. and that’s good.

…it really did surprise me, you know! in case i’ve not adequately conveyed my genuine feelings here. both getting the position as well as discovering my awkwardness at being any kind of authority in this realm. i’m surprised by my surprise! i think i’ve grown to really enjoy the fact that in at least one place in my life, i can let go of a lot of that type of stance. i don’t mind at all taking my time to climb the ladder of rank. i enjoy knowing, and stating time and time again, that i’m nowhere near mastery or perfection and that i understand this is a long road. i don’t mind at all taking a backseat. i don’t mind at all being quiet and just showing what i do instead of talking at all about it or pretending to be some kind of example.

but sure enough, martial arts will, unerringly, find any area you harbor fear, lack of confidence, uneasiness, immaturity, or a need to grow—and fast, force you to confront it. this dynamic is at once what makes martial arts both scary as well as one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do, if you stick with it and move through it.

i can’t help but laugh at my male friends who call up and get my voicemail and then get all squirmy and uncomfortable listening to the message. it happened again last night. this time i asked my friend M what’s up with that? what’s wrong with the message?? “it’s all seductive,” he answered, laughing. i was like “wha??” because it doesn’t sound seductive to me. i was just talking to a mic that was held close to me. the content isn’t suggestive. i wasn’t like “hey girl…slip something into my inbox and i’ll slip something in yours…” or anything. the message is “welcome to the machine. do your thing when you hear the tone” and that’s about it. but i guess i know what they are getting at. i’ve had to make myself shout at Me Gusta when i order cuz the young woman was all “WHAT??” but i don’t really get loud unless my emotion or energy is up for some reason. my natural speaking voice is not brusque, harsh, or loud. it’s just not! i’m not trying to affect any certain sound.

but this is funny, and also indicative of what our society allows of heterosexual men. we are very uncomfortable (american males) with being near another male, touching them (unless coupled with aggressive, macho vocalization or gestures to compensate), any sort of camera gaze that sexualizes them, and—i guess—hearing a male voice that is…what? VELVETY?? i mean i’m laughing just trying to verbalize what’s happening here. basically, i think it gets men so messed up in the head that if they see or hear a male presented outside of a very narrow range of behavior or affect, they are thrown into a realm of confusion…a realm of confusion that never would have existed were men not forcibly shaped over the years to be some unreal caricature.

i remember when i was 21 and answered the phone at my place and it was my girlfriend’s friend’s father who got all weird and asked if i was a “faggot” (to his daughter, not to me directly) for just saying “hello?” !! just the way i said “hello” made him uncomfortable! can you imagine? but yes. this was also how my stepfather was…who gave me such a hard time when i was one of the first in my class (mid 80s!) to get my ear pierced. this was when piercing was NEW for us, younguns! no nipples, lips, scrotum, or eyebrows yet! just getting your damn ear pierced was enough to rock the foundations of convention. and it better be the LEFT ear or you’re…wait for it…a FAGGOT! this is a lot of men in the USA. very, very much a drag! (no pun intended.) very boring. very annoying. very ….weird. but…yanno. i’m just too sexy for my own good is what it comes down to….

anyway, i’m undecided on whether or not to change my voicemail message. for the moment, i think the fellas are just gonna have to deal with it. think about math or something when it’s playing. baseball stats.

–

a friend called me last night; a fellow Chodanbo. we have both been planning to test in march for our black belts. of course, “planning” is the operative word, here. as i wrote recently, just because you are Chodanbo, have the money for the test, and have put in your requisite minimum of 6 months at Chodanbo rank doesn’t mean you are going to test for black at the soonest date you are eligible to test. you still need to have Master Lee’s approval. he has no problem telling people they have to wait, nor (obviously) should he. it’s very clear that the belt he is most strict about awarding is black. you don’t even get your actual black belt until two months after you pass that test. first you pass (or not), and then he orders it from Kukkiwon (or not). i don’t know if it always was that way. i’ve been in his offices a number of times and there is a stack of black belts that belong to nobody. i asked about those from a friend who works closely with GGM Lee and he told me that those are belts from people that GGM Lee did not feel earned the rank. these days, i know that you basically won’t test unless he feels you are prepared, up to snuff, and have all your teaching and attendance credits in.

so that’s what the call was about. apparently, master lee approached M (my friend) and said something to the effect of “so, you are planning to test in october?” which stung M pretty bad, understandably. if you are expecting to test in two months, hearing that would be a disappointment. (the school has two yearly black belt tests: march and october.) we talked for a while, and i was honest about my thoughts. i won’t share all our conversation, because i’d feel like i was exposing a private exchange, even if i withheld his name. after all, we talked about our training, technique, attitude, dedication, goals…a number of things that are or can be pretty personal. but it did get me thinking about training…about the path to black belt. about what is expected, and what must be given.

as a black belt candidate you are asked to be on top of your game in a few areas. this is not something you run into in life a lot. for a moment or an hour here and there, you will be tested or expected to shine in a physical way, or a mental way, or a spiritual way, but rarely in life, love, or every day activities are you expected to show sustained, demonstrable progress in all three areas at once. and it’s a big demand. and you don’t get there by living your life the way you always do and just adding martial arts in there. it’s not a goal you can take casually. to take martial arts into your heart and give yourself to it in a true way, you must sacrifice. you must find your pain boundaries and step over them. you must find your fear boundaries and leap beyond them. by definition, it’s scary. it’s painful. you are tested many times, on many levels. perhaps the hardest part of it all is that nobody is going to force you. you can walk away at any time. if you want to make it through, you have to force yourself. of course, the flip side of this is the reward. and the reward is greatest in direct proportion to how much you risk and how much you give. and from watching GGM Lee for the time i’ve known him, i’d say that he has a very sharp ability to see your potential. if someone is doing their best, and can do no better, he will look well upon that. even if their best is not the best technique a person could theoretically have. but if you are not trying your hardest, giving it your all, or taking it casually in any way, he will know that. and he will not be thrilled about it. this can be a wake up call to those types of people who are used to excelling without trying too hard. but i think it would be a good wake up call. i mean this is the idea of martial arts. you hew and carve away all the nonsense and dead weight from your being. not your body, necessarily (tho that will make your workout a lot more effective and your technique better), but your mind. the excuses, the laziness, the shortcuts, the old thoughts….”come to me as an empty bowl” say many masters from the east. maybe i’m lucky because i was raised with this philosophy, as my family’s spirituality is very steeped in Hinduism. i understand this requirement; i understand well that to truly learn from a master, you must shed yourself of defenses and busymindedness and notions upon notions, and simply make yourself available to be taught.

and this means humility. this means vulnerability. this means commitment. these things are not easy. a lot of that depends on why you came to martial arts. what you are looking for. how much you trust your master. what you get out of it. what you want out of it.

the bottom line is i have no idea of GGM Lee’s evaluation of any of us. i don’t know his thoughts, and i don’t know all the reasons why my friend was given a heavy suggestion to wait until october to test (tho i know he puts a lot of hours into his job, and while that’s a real need in this life, it means you aren’t giving that time to training). nor is it my business. but it certainly did a couple things for me. one was a prod: stay on your game! it let me know that those eyes i’ve been feeling on me at various times were not hallucinations! they were GGML and his close instructors watching and evaluating. not that this takes me by surprise. i’ve known that, and written as much, here. ever since turning red belt, the scrutiny notches up. and Chodanbo–by definition–means you are under the red hot glare.

and to be honest, the other thing it did was give me a feeling of great relief. for i know i’m on the right track. all master lee said to me yesterday was “nice haircut!” with a smile, as i bowed in greeting. that made me smile, too, because…well. my haircut? the same one i’ve had since april of last year; the same haircut i’ve been giving myself about every week since i first decided to lean in on my training in preparation for black belt. the same one i gave myself when i knew i wanted no more energy drained from my training and funneled into distraction on maintaining my appearance: a shaved head. which i will keep until i test. and maybe after that, i’ll see what it’s like to have hair again. for now it’s a great joy to not have the consideration in my life. no worry about hair, drying, washing, frizz, length, blah, blah, blah, blah. no more frustrated glances in the dojang mirror because my hair is matted, sweaty, or in my face.

plus, i can gently stroke my scalp while i record my voicemail message and it makes me all goose-bumpy. O!

The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air.

—Lord of the Rings

autumn is upon us, and as always she brings change. on many levels. i feel myself borne upon her cool winds…i wonder where she will set me down. it’s a good time. and i feel that next year will be an amazing year, unlike any other in my life. of course, the thing about change is that one cannot predict its outcome! yet, i feel full of good energy and am inspired.

meanwhile, i’m a living embodiment of the unsure state of transition, at least at the moment. well, that’s my romantic way of saying i have a cold. which is a tiny bit of a drag. granted, many people have much worse ailments (and i even have more painful persistent conditions in my body), but it knocked me off my square a bit. i had planned to attend this four hour sparring seminar held by great grand master lee today, but at the last minute i just had to ditch it. i went as far as eating, dressing, and getting ready to get on my bike…but as i stood there deliberating, i finally had to admit i didn’t have the energy in my body to bike down there and endure four hours of sparring drills, and sparring, and give it all the mental focus and attention it would require. also, to be frank, i had no food to pack a lunch with or cash on hand to buy a sandwich to bring…which may have been the ultimate decider. even if i could push it, i’d need food to do it.

eh. as much as i feel irritated to have missed out (direct instruction from master lee is never to be passed up casually), i have to admit, my body just feels like it needs the rest. anyway, the demo team keeps racheting up energy and challenge, and if i’m to be on top of that, i need to rest between now and next week’s training.

the little software/gaming startup company that me and some homies have been plugging away at behind the scenes for years rolls into a new phase as we approach 2012. we’ve been working on a number of things over the last two + years. a lot of time spent on carefully and conscientiously shaping the infrastructure and internal organization that allows us to communicate efficiently, and to delegate duties, and maintain respect for all the partners and our contributions. we’ve spent time on creating the look and feel of our website, as well as creating our initial array of site and game art, as well as our logo. additionally, we’ve done a lot of brainstorming on everything from our approach to gaming, to the games we want to produce, to where we see ourselves fitting into the market as well as the world, and even specifically on many games. garden day is one of those games, and we’ve put in a lot of hours as we sketch out narrative, the backstory of the characters involved, the game mechanics, the themes, the philosophy, and the art. it’s pretty exciting and fulfilling to be part of such a project. i’m looking forward to what the coming months and years bring us as we continue to infuse our heart and mind into this project.

little luna continues to plug away at her training in taekwondo. she recently passed her green belt test, and so now attends a different set of classes. (they are split into white & yellow and then green & up). i will still definitely take her to some white & yellow classes in addition to the green and up classes, because the beginner classes have a different focus, and do a lot of work on foundational technique and behavior and aerobic conditioning.

but now luna is in classes that specialize a bit more. her mondays are heavier on sparring than before (tho mondays are sparring days anyway), and now on wednesdays she has sword training. (this thrilled her to find out about).

she’s as happy as ever, and i feel good about how much her confidence is growing. this was the first test that she felt wholly ready for and volunteered that she felt ready to test. this is a huge contrast from her last test where she wanted to back out of testing, and then wouldn’t go up to get her rank for weeks after testing due to feeling too nervous about the whole thing. it’s very gratifying to see the progress she has made, and the effort she continues to put into training. i still have not bought her the new dobok i promised her i would buy when she passed green belt, but she is not angsty about that. she is fine without it. it’s just something i wanted to do, and i will, in the next week or so. and then, i’ll let her work for a while at this level. spend some time on that green belt. learn her new techniques and self defense moves. grow comfortable with them over time. i really do think it important to spend lots of time on your foundation. everything will build more beautifully and comfortably atop that, if you do.

i want to spend some more time with her here at home, give her some one on one instruction on a few things. one is her new techniques, the jumping front kick as well as the hook kick. in class, you just can’t always get extended personal and focused instruction on areas of a technique you are studying. that is why you need to augment dojang time with home training time. you are shown the correct technique at the dojang, you are supervised on it over time as you try to progress, but for drill-down focus, you need to invest personal time. and i want to give some of that to her here, at the beginning of green belt. just a note to myself.

 to the left of this paragraph you see a photo of a bolt. there are many of these at the base of my kicking dummy. there used to be a flimsy plastic cover that went over this part of the base, but paloma kept taking it off, so i just threw it out.

later, i broke a bone in my right foot on this very bolt. i was practicing a jumping reverse turning kick, for the hundredth or whatever time, but it was at night and i was tired, and i think i lost track a bit of that line between “push yourself through the pain/exhaustion/will to give up!” and “hey, i’m starting to fade and i should be careful because when you are tired or weary, you are more likely to injure yourself.”  one of the kicks, i came down and retracted my kicking leg too slowly (something i’ve had to work on a lot in my technique, as well as keeping my arms in, as well as jumping high enough, as well as quickly turning in the air, rather than slowly corkscrewing from the floor up, and so on and so on…) and my foot (instep) came down hard on this bolt. very hard. it basically smashed down into the bolt. when i was done hopping and wailing or whatever i did, i put some ice on it. and sat there for a while. i had no idea it was broken at that point. or cracked. or whatever i did to the bone.

all the pain is gone by now, but on my right foot there is a hard knot of bone where on the other side, it is relatively smooth. whoops! it feels a little freaky, to be honest. but im getting used to the gradual reshaping of my right foot! it reminds me of playing guitar for years. your hand stretches, gets more limber, probably actually gets bigger a bit, the muscles beef up, and you grow calluses. my right foot has been injured so many times that i think it’s probably gonna be pretty ugly in a few more years, tho perhaps somewhat impervious.

and i am feeling hungry. so i’m going to go take care of that. then, later i’ll do some housecleaning and come back to hit a little artwork and writing that needs to be done. it’s a saturday and as it’s one of my days with the most free time, i’m tempted to just sit and watch movies. but there’s time for that later.

i like that last piece a lot. it captured so well what i was feeling, and i like the shape that the words took. but i had to keep it in the draft folder for a couple months. because it was just too heavy. just too real while i was in it. maybe everything has changed. maybe nothing. life’s funny like that. one day, the sun’s rays in the morning feel like an ugly smolder that you wish would fall upon you like a barrel of coals and burn you to the bone. and the next, inexplicably, your heart lifts up like a flower to drink deep the dawn’s light.

i’m not sure which is more terrifying: the depth of shadow that my soul is capable of drifting into, or just the reality that i can move between the dark and the light so easily; so unpredictably, so speedily.

to be honest, some if it’s just money. i’ve managed to hook up a couple tiny side gigs here and there recently—nothing long lasting or extremely lucrative but enough to enable me to ride the bus, get a slice, pay a couple bills—and also got some help from family. life when you are broke and unemployed is no joke. i want to write out something on that. obviously, the post students is not just about poverty; it’s very much about love and loss, too. but i’ve collected numerous notes in my mind simply about poverty. about why poverty is so exhausting. how your days inevitably become a thread of thoughts that all relate to money (and how you don’t have it, and then come the feelings of shame, fear, anxiety, and disappointment); how this thread becomes a mesh that radiates an aura of entropy that you cannot escape no matter which way you move, or what thoughts you ignore; how this energy exerts a weight upon you that grows exponentially until you don’t want to move anymore, until it feels impossible to budge yourself and you grow so tired from resisting the downward pull. how you just want to collapse inward after a while to ease up on the pain of resisting it constantly.

but i’ll save that. as i said—for however temporary it is—i’m currently enjoying a few moments of relief (and for a few reasons, not just because i can wash the laundry and pay a few bills), and walking around with some good feelings, and i don’t want to dive back into that mess any deeper than i have already with my publishing the last post, and these few paragraphs. not right now.

some of the struggle lately has been about physical pain. the nerve damage (or pinched nerve, not sure what it is)/flare-ups in my arm, hand, and neck that resulted from getting kicked in the hand and arm months ago while sparring (fracturing at least one finger which still hurts deep in the joint if you put pressure on it) can be pretty persistent. some days the pain comes and goes…and i can keep it in the background and think hunh, well. it’s a drag, but i guess i could learn to live with this if i must.

but then some days it’s on me like a wet sweater, suffocating me no matter which way i turn. i’ll get (literally) claustrophobic from my inability to escape its clutch. i feel trapped in my body, squirming away from myself, morphed from my once-lovely pain-free frame into a demon that looks like me but has a rushing funnel of white fire for a left arm. it is a white fire like ivy, with tendrils that lash forth and slither into my neck and around the bones there, and across my left upper back. some days my hand will be singing out constantly, a silvery static twinkling in all my fingers and i’ll look at them to make sure they are still there, that they are holding what i thought i was holding because i can’t feel my fingers. on some days, in moments of frustration, i fight the urge to tear at my own body to be rid of it. on those days i will rush home to drink liquor like i used to for my dying tooth nerve—purely medicinally. sending fervent prayers of gratitude with every swallow, as the pain gradually fades behind a wall of blessed numbness.

after a while, i grow to see the pain as a living thing. an entity with its own reasoning and will.

some days, it fades almost entirely. then, i’ll sneer at its capricious nature. i don’t know if it gets tired and needs a rest, or it grows bored of tormenting me. but on some days it fades to the background. i’ll feel my lungs fill with huge sighs of relief to be let go a little. perversely, on those days, i’ll catch myself rolling my head and trying to bump that little button in my neck that sets it all off. as if i can’t believe it’s not there. maybe i’m hoping it’s totally gone from me. or maybe it’s come to the point where i feel slightly uncomfortable with its absence…as if waiting for its inevitable return is an added torture. this vicious invisible pet of mine, this needy, sadistic electric octopus nestled in my arm.

i still hold out hope that one day it will just leave me. find someone else to ride around with. get tired of me.

and now…i want to categorize and list the things that have happened that somehow have me feeling good, sitting high on my bike as i ride through the sun. in no rush. looking upon the world a bit more kindly. brimming with a feeling of possibility.

but as i think them over i wonder if it makes sense to begin bunching up blooms so very fragile. i wonder if these realities and feelings would be mocked by their wordstick counterparts, which probably could only imitate the shapes in my soul—and poorly. you know. i only take words so seriously. i like their feel in my fingers, but i’m usually ready to drop them in favor of catching a strong wind.

no, i don’t want to declare anything over. or changed. it’s too soon for that. as i said, these dunes are ever-shifting. one moment you are sitting, content and peacefully warmed by the sand underneath you—and the next, you are choking on mouthfuls of it and clawing your way to the surface.

anyway. more and more, as time goes on, i find the best things around me, or inside me, and i reward them with silence.

shortly after i made first geup (Red Belt), i was invited to join the dojang’s core demo team (CDT). [Clarification: I was invited to perform in the Demo Team for Korea Night. Only recently (It is now May 30, a day after our Korea Night performance) was I asked to join the CDT. More on this soon in its own post.) To me, this is a huge honor. to be invited, you have to some degree or combination of good technique, dedication, discipline, and passion. i’m sure the formula varies for each person considered, and i’m not here to try and claim that nobody gets on without having X, Y, or Z of A, B, or C. i don’t so much care for that part of the equation. but to have a chance to represent the school and perform in venues in a live setting really thrills me. it steps up the challenges i already take on in taekwondo and for USTC (my dojang), and offers a chance for me to demonstrate and practice even greater discipline and control of technique. the snazzy blue, reflective dobok with the texture and pattern that reminds me of rattlesnake skin is fun, and so is working with a team as a unit. obviously, people take it seriously to different degrees, but i take it very seriously. i have a high standard for myself as it is, and want to bring that to the team, and help show the world through our performance, the level of quality possible to manifest; a level of quality which mirrors the standard which master lee sets forth. because i am dramatic about just about everything as well as prone to a wee bit of the self-aggrandizement, i think of us as the elite squad of USTC; the SEALs unit, the creme de la creme. but thinking of it that way is also my way of demanding full concentration and commitment to the team and how we do and not treating it casually or lightly. and that’s the way i approach my art in general.

the first venue i’ll be participating in is Korea Night. i’m not sure if this is going to take place at the university, or is a local town thing. but it will be an exceptional audience, i am told. for obvious, i think, reasons. mainly that we practice a korean martial art. and one that koreans tend to be very proud of. with good reason! so we are drilling especially hard due to this factor. sloppiness will be noticed. sloppiness not just in technique, but in protocol such as bowing. these are the kind of demands and challenges i enjoy very much. drills, form, physical control, memory, refining performance…physical art. i don’t so much enjoy the demands and protocol of everyday mainstream society. that’s a performance i engage in to varying degrees, according to the current context and why i might feel the need to conform to those requirements. but demo team is part of my chosen art, and i’m all about spending lots of time honing my performance. i am also told that chances are good that we will be met with a very warm reception by this particular crowd. all in all, these are exciting thoughts for me on my first demo team performance, though i won’t pretend they don’t also ratchet up the pressure!

taekwondo practice and protocol—and this especially shows in team coordination and performance such as the demo team embodies—is very military in nature. our march-jog onto and off of stage, the “left face” commands and such, the proper way you move your feet when following these orders; the chain of command; the hierarchy; the respect shown, and how it is shown, the drills, the counting, and so on. i’ve had conversations with martial artist friends that this aspect of our training is satisfying both to practitioners who enjoy the discipline and form of such things, as well as to those of us who feel at home training as warriors, but abstain from the US military due to personal conflict in beliefs with/distaste for the various wars and chaos of our country’s international policies, not to mention the horrific deeds and outcomes of these wars. it is a great middle ground, to my mind.

the first night at demo practice was fun. as well as a bit bewildering! ay, it was like the first day (well, not quite that bewildering) at the dojang all over again. trying to keep up with the format, with drills and shouts and formation that i have only seen once or twice when watching demo team videos on facebook. and that, from a distant camera and mirrored, as it was facing the team, not standing with them. i was a bit lost, but was told i was picking up fast. all in all, i was right where i should have been. you walk and trip before you run. i’ll practice at home today more, and in the days in between demo practice. we have another session tonight. today is a full TKD day. between noon practice, assisting the instruction of kids class, and then later, demo team practice, its TKD all day long.

i need to bone up on Koryo big time. it’s a complex poomsae (hey, it’s the first black belt poomsae after all), i just learned it first three weeks ago, and then last night, we did it facing the mirror instead of the front of the class. whoa. i got really lost for most of it. that irritated the hell out of me. though, yes, i’m being hard on myself. as it is, i’m picking it up relatively fast (or so i’m told), and now putting extra demands on myself with the change in orientation before i really have it cemented in my muscle memory. but all i can do is practice every day a few times until its solid. i have three weeks until Korea night. i’m going to practice it until there is no hesitation. i’m going to practice it from different angles. i’m going to visualize the stage and audience in my mind so it’s not a total shock out there under the lights, and with people making noise and watching. performing Koryo (name of ancient Korean dynasty) on Korea night in my first demo team performance. wow. it’s definitely a challenge, but i’m going to meet it.

i shaved my head for the first night of demo team. for me, it represented a new phase of my practice, as well as ridding myself of the energy and time and fretting i’ve long been putting into my physical adornment; the braiding, the gel, the oils, the dye, the straightening irons, the bandannas, the hats, the self-obsession in the dojang mirror with my hair puffing out, the time i spend watching sweat roll off my hair, wiping it off my face. it was a total joy to shave it off. i let all that nonsense go as the thick, dark hair fell to the floor. i think of the buddhist initiates, the monks who shave their heads as a sign of their dedication and simplicity and rejecting unnecessary vanity or wasted energy in unimportant areas.

i’m also going to use this opportunity to introduce more greens and grains and fruits and veggies into my diet, as i’ve been meaning to do. it all feels right. it’s all happening right on time. i’m entering the final stretch before black belt. time to refine, bear down, purify, dedicate without reserve to this path.

you see the same thing with geup holders—with colored belts—but in terms of who is closer to black belt, or how far along the road between 10th geup (white) and 1st dan (black) a person is. i include myself in this group. not only because i have a colored belt but because i, too, find myself not wanting to fall behind my peers in rank. or secretly delighting when a classmate ahead of me skips a testing interval so i can catch up with them. (not so secretly anymore, i guess!) some of that is that those at your geup level are the closest peers you’ll generally have. you are all learning the same techniques, as required for that belt level. so you ask and remind each other and help each other practice them. on testing day, alike belt colors will be clustered together before testing, as we are all brushing up and practicing on the techniques we will be tested on. and of course, some of not wanting to fall behind your particular group is simply ego stuff, and as ego stuff generally is, pretty funny when you relax, step back, and look at it.

i make the comparison with kids and their ages because when you and your peers reach first dan—black belt—it will hardly matter who got there a month or even eight months sooner or later. then you will all be black belt and working at a slower, tho no less intense, pace toward 2nd dan. and then, toward third. at those levels, you can’t even test but every few years. so it will level out, if you and others were only months apart at the geup levels.

and even so, when you see a first dan and a third dan black belt in the dojang, while you definitely can recognize their different levels of ability and accomplishment…they are both still black belts, they both can instruct, they both have gained that massive accomplishment of blackbelt. it is one that requires an enduring commitment and years of hard work.

when you and your peers are there, at 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dan (or beyond), remembering who had brown belt when someone else had a red belt won’t matter at all. all that will matter is how much time and love you have put into your art, and how much time and love you continue to put into your martial art.

it’s good to remember this when the tiny distinctions seem big. do we ever stop being children? i don’t think so!

I painted this shirt as a present for my younger brother, who was also training in TKD at the time. This was 1996.

it is rather amazing, the rate at which people drop out of training. i’m not talking about the ebb and flow that happens when sometimes you can’t make it in for a few days, a week, or even more. it seems life requires that of most of us, unless you are in the lucky position to be able to spend indiscriminately, avoid injury, as well as control your life’s schedule with an unusual amount of consistency. (on second thought, such rigidity and lack of spontaneity overwhelming the natural flux of life doesn’t seem like it would be so lucky after all.)

no, i mean how many people begin training, and just stop coming after a week or two. i’ve even seen people come only one day—sign up, pay, get a dobok and white belt and work out for that day—and then never show up again. i’ve seen them stick around for months, but after testing for yellow, just fade away. it’s said that if 30 people begin training, 1 will make it to even first dan (black belt). and that about 10 people will be gone from that 30 within only a couple months. this seems to be what i’ve seen with my own eyes, too. people stop showing up all the time. it just hits you one day that you haven’t seen person x for a long time. “where did they go?” you wonder. but you know. you know because you get that same voice in your head, sitting around the house. damn, that voice says. i don’t really feel like going today. i feel lazy. i don’t want my chest to burn in pain. i don’t want to push myself hard…is it really so bad if i just sit around, drink a beer and laugh at a movie instead? and you know what? it’s not a bad thing at all. once in a while i will choose to spend a little free time that way instead of sweating and kicking. but rarely, to tell you the truth. rarely do i skip a class to do something like that. though making that choice has nothing to do with “bad” or “good,” or morality at all. it’s just a question of end results. goals. where do i want to be? who do i want to be? how do i want to feel?

in my own experience, as well as have heard from others with more experience, green belt is the sticking point. a lot of people are weeded out of the training process right around green belt. not sure why that is. aside from that same thing that i’ve watched shave away a number of would-be guitarists from the path to competency: after a little pain (or boredom! or both), you begin to get a feel for just how much work will be required from you to master this thing. it’s almost always much more than you imagined! you are not gonna pick up a guitar and two weeks later, be composing beautiful solos or playing four minute songs made of all barre chords. real work is required. long term effort and discipline. and, well…that’s a good thing. it’s like what is said about competition: it brings out your best. so do disciplines that require hard work. you’ll bring your best, or you’ll fade away.

i’m not interested in meeting the minimum standards. not in anything i do, in truth. also, practically, i don’t think you can be an effective or admirable martial artist by only training for an hour or two a week, and only in class. which is why i am glad to have a stand up heavy bag at home and why i practice kicks as well as poomsae every day i am physically able, which is most days.

i like the comparison to guitar. i probably default to that comparison simply because it is a discipline that i’ve been at for over a decade. (actually, i’ve been playing since my late teens, which makes it over 2 decades. but i wouldn’t try to tell you i’ve worked hard at it for two decades. most of the hard work was up front. it does get easier, after all).

i like the comparison for other reasons, too. when you begin playing guitar, you are not even physically capable of doing the things you will one day be able to do if you stick with it. fretting chords is hard. it takes strength in your hand. stretching to hold certain chords and to play certain runs of notes requires a more limber hand than you will possess at the start. your left hand has to be trained to be very dextrous, agile, and strong. most people are right handed, so this takes time. in the beginning, you can barely hold a barre chord without the notes buzzing. and if you can hold it tight for even one strum, you certainly can’t play a progression of barre chords for three minutes. your hand will ache before long and cramp up, and you’ll have to stop. so this training you do in playing guitar will involve building up callus on fingertips—a spot where you have a large amount of nerves to aid your sense of touch; working out your hand so that muscle builds in it and it is stronger; and stretching it out over time.

eventually, your hand is rebuilt, remade. fashioned for this new tool you have introduced into the mix. as i wrote about the other day, (in most cases) our bodies can adapt to these new situations you make a part of your everyday life. and that’s a beautiful thing to experience.

but you only get there if you push past that part where your fingertips hurt so bad it feels like they are raw and screaming. before that callus begins to respond, before your body sends out the signal that “this is a real change in our environment, and not a momentary injury, so let’s reshape to account for it” you have to work them raw—until holding down that string under your fingertip feels like a little pebble of agony. this wall of challenge—not just the fingertips but the whole area of resistance where you meet your comfort boundaries—is what will separate those who only had a passing fancy to play guitar and those who are devoted to the actuality of it happening for them one day.

and so it is with many disciplines, like martial arts. one day you look back and remember when you couldn’t kick higher than your chest, or when your kicks had no real snap. or when you couldn’t throw five reverse spin kicks without getting so dizzy you were falling over, or when you couldn’t even throw one because the movement just seemed too weird to your brain and body; you just did not possess the balance or strength or coordination to do so no matter how bad you wanted to.

in fact, you don’t have to look back. no matter how far you progress at the dojang, there will always be white belts and yellow belts and green belts, and in helping them learn these kicks, you will see yourself. where you once were. brings it all back to watch them struggle with all the very same things you once did.

days pass, months pass, months add up to years, and through it all you don’t give up. even after bad days. even after days filled with pain and disappointment. that’s the only way forward.

and when you think about all that, all the effort required, i guess it’s not hard to believe that most people who begin this journey drop out along the way. but at the same time, because you do stick with it, it’s always a tiny bit surprising to me…or disappointing, when you realize that a face you had seen around for a little while has ceased to appear anymore.

i was discussing this drop off with a martial arts friend, shortly after making blue belt.

what i was actually talking about was how, as someone climbing the ranks, you seem to become more visible to the dojang as you move upward from green. realizing this was the oddest sensation. it isn’t as if the higher ranks outright refuse to acknowledge you before then…but you feel a bit invisible. your exercises overlap less, you bow out of group taegeuk earlier because you reach your limit quickly, being a low belt; you stand on separate sides of the dojang even when in a group exercise. but beyond all that, there’s a coolness…you are simply not at the same table.

as you rise above green, the higher belts seem to become a bit friendlier, a bit warmer, notice you more, say hi to you more. when relating this to my amigo a few months ago when i had the realization, he said basically “yeah, the rest of the dojang is waiting for you to drop out until that point.” which made sense, when you consider what i just wrote about how many white and yellow belts stop coming around even before reaching green.

this also ties into the last paragraphs i wrote the other day, about making brown belt being received as a bigger deal than i can remember other rank advancements; and by both lower and higher ranks alike. i think for the black belts, it probably becomes okay to start to think of you as perhaps permanent (as permanent as life allows with all her flux) members of the dojang family. and for the lower belts, it gives them a jolt of inspiration to see you reach the higher ranks. they see the path you walk, and know it is one they can follow, too. they already know the climb is not easy. but here is a reminder—in your beaming face and the pride with which you wear that belt—that the fruit is sweet.

the ones we slip by ourself are not much fun. the ones where we pretend we are Here and others are There and begin drawing all kinds of judgment, while the rest of the universe laughs at the temporary I taking notice of his/her (false) position. those ones are silly, and a bit embarrassing. though everything has its purpose, so they are necessary too. do you ask yourself why? and how?

you need another step back anyway. if you really wanna have fun.

a step so you can see that this false I is, indeed, saying something important…but that you don’t belong to that imagined permanence. then you can learn on both sides at once.

i like a step back even when stepping forward.

the little pings and pains are in the thin skin, the one up top, the costume tissue.

i like to take on other people for a while. your outlook. your self image.

i’m a chameleon like that. you could also say i play games with my ego. it, too, after all, is a costume. i like to be you for a bit. and see how that feels. i can immediately become peaceful or chaotic or slower or happy or moany or spiteful or like a stone in a dark lake. or like a leaf in the warm wind. i don’t do it by copying  you. i don’t do it by rehashing your thoughts. i don’t do it by pretending to be you. i do it once i’ve connected with you, seen you, felt your heart. and it involves love. and empathy. which is also part of why i can connect to so many types.

and once i have, i can be you.

after all, “you” and “i” are imaginary collections of signifiers anyway. this self is a costume. i’m not saying it’s not important or beautiful. in fact, it is all the more beautiful for our having taken such pains to construct it over time. threads in the hand, gossamer in the eye.

i move back and forth. learning and forgetting all kinds of things. i let go. it’s easy!

sometimes you want to destroy things. sometimes you wanna just jump in and break things up. you want to sniff ozone. you want to shatter the stasis. you want to draw blood. you may not think it through. you may not understand the urge. you may sublimate it, fear it, negate it, deny it, turn it back to yourself. you may not know how to control the energy and wreck many things. you may make up reasons, silly reasons, misinform yourself, distract, explain. but the urge comes and goes, or maybe it stays. while it is there, do you know why? i know why.

sometimes you want to heal things, heal people. draw out the kindness, draw out the love. you know what is best for them, and you know you are capable of giving it and feel you are truly you while doing so. sometimes connecting to that need, or sensing that gap causes you to grow the right connection pieces, causes you to rise higher. you tell yourself this is how you should always be. and when you stray, you fail. is this true? do you then give yourself shame? taking the turn, this knocks you back down and away. see the game?

i’m always at play. i’m always in play.

i’ve not yet become attached to any one persona. not one of mine, not one of yours. i come and go. i enjoy the range, it reminds me who i am. who I truly am. it keeps me awake, alive. i cannot be shamed, for i am always a fool, always ignorant, always hypocritical. always but a smiling, babbling child. and, too, i am always wise, always true, always looking over, simple and profound.

i am all of these things. i am none of these things.

those who forget become our unwitting clowns. those who buy the façade. those who take themselves far too seriously and fall into illusion. the perpetually right, the perpetually wronged. the tragic, the noble.

but of course they are we! we are both king and clown, entertainer and executioner.

one step back, one leap up!

go.

the last post on taekwondo that i wrote mentioned my right hip. that has healed, and my thumb (recently jammed up when i got kicked in the hand) is nearly healed. my foot…did i write about that here? i think not. here’s a link, tho there’s blood involved, so if you’re not into that sort of thing, skip it. suffice to say that pouring tea, my cup broke and splashed boiled water onto my foot along with a chunk of glass that gashed me into the layers of fat in my foot.

that’s finally healed enough to not require a bandage when i sleep or walk around the house, though since it’s so wide open (ER wanted to stitch it, i said nah) it will take a while to scar over hard. that one was obviously not from training, tho it sure does get in the way of training. for one thing, i did that to my foot two days before my belt test! i wasn’t sure on that day if i’d blown it for myself, after all it took about 8 hours to stop bleeding. but i tested anyway, which included sparring. there was no way i was going to miss that test and then spend two more months preparing when i had practiced hard and was ready to go right then. it went well. bled a little, but i had my foot bandaged, and though we’ve not got our certificates or belts or any indication to the results of the test yet, i’m confident in saying i passed.

especially since yesterday, master lee let me begin learning Taegeuk Sa-Jang, after watching me perform Taegeuk Sam Jang one more time. i love it, especially the Jebi Poom Mok Chigi (combo knife-hand inside strike to the neck in conjunction with high knife hand block). been practicing and trying to remember that one since last night. if i’m going to double test and double train from now until october, that will require my centering martial arts even more than before. [EDIT, a year later: I didn't double test for anything except when I tested from Red belt to Chodanbo, double testing for Red Instructor and Chodanbo in one. And that was because they share the same Poomsae, so I had less to learn. And I'm glad I took everything prior at the regular pace. Once I got to Blue belt, I realized it was best to take my time and absorb things at a measured pace.]

which i am fine with. i don’t want lots of do-nothing time, nor do i want to keep filling my time with what i have in the past. staying in touch with the political scene enough to do my weekly News With Nezua videos is fine. any more than that and i’m just gonna be ill. the political scene, cultural scene in the USA these days is sickening, absolutely disgusting. it’s poison. so i don’t mind at all turning away from that, and anyone who has been paying attention knows i’ve been turning away from it for a while.

also i have no interest in putting so much energy into women online (or in person) as i may have in the past. and when i say the past, i mean for the last handful of years. (decade? let’s be real…decades) we see what that led to, and anyway, it was mostly reaction. reaction to a loneliness from long ago, reaction to misdirected thirst, reaction to my own confusion about where i was at. about ethnic identity, about aging. about commitment, change, and so on. as i’ve said before, i always insist on paying top dollar for my lessons. but then, i own them and i truly value them. they are mine. and this one has been a long, long time coming. i’m sure i’ll write on it more. but i may save most of that for a book i’m working on.

in fact, looking back at posts i’ve written a while ago (wow, february of 2009???) remind me that this winter i feel i’ve traveled through in coming to a new spring has, in actuality, been more than one winter; it has taken years. i fix on one line from that post i just linked: i have not fully emerged from what feels like this cocoon of change.

at this point, finally—and it seemed like forever that i was moving toward here—i feel i have. and yes, of course there will be other plateaus. but for now, this is good. feels good. stronger, more centered. less compromised.

and my life has become much simpler. i’ve finally learned to live on my own, which is no small feat, as i’ve lived with women since i was about 17. it was either the street, institutional life, dorms, or shacked up with a girl. (hell, even in the dorms i was shacked up with a girl!) until i was 40, i never even had my own place. and it was needed. i needed to learn how to be with myself, how to pay my rent and bills, and do stuff that i guess you are supposed to be figuring out in your late teens or early 20s. typically. then again, i’ve never been typical. but for the last year and half or more, i’ve lived here all alone. there’s been a lot of loneliness and a bit of pain. and of course, it couldn’t have happened any other way. but i’m not there in that pain anymore. or in that shame. mostly because i see that i had to travel through what i did to get here. to act as if i didn’t learn the lesson, or to repeat the mistakes? that would be shameful.

today all i really want is to work on my art, enjoy my children, and train in taekwondo. i don’t want to be famous, i don’t want an entourage of women, i don’t want a lot of the distractions i thought i once did. granted, i do want to be with someone. i do long for affection and intimacy. still. but i don’t mind spending time with myself, or working on myself. i’m in better shape mentally, emotionally, and physically then i’ve been in a long, long, time. and i’m proud of that. i have a lot more to offer someone, and more so, i am more content and less distracted and my energies are purer and stronger because i’m not bleeding them out left and right. and i’m not using anyone to try and fill myself or sublimate needs.

i might not need to be rich, but i do still want a better income. i’m tired of being broke as hell. i applied to one local TV PA job yesterday, which i’ve not done for a long time. i make money enough for rent and a few bills and for me and luna in TKD with what i get from my weekly NWN vids, and that’s been good enough for a while, although it leaves nothing extra. but that’s not doing it anymore. not sure where i’ll find more income, but i will.

also, i think i’ll paint my walls. this apartment has been thought of a few ways by me. mostly as transitional, though. and i’ve been here for years now. 3? 4? a while. and if i can’t have a lawn, then dammit, i’m going to make these walls colorful.

now i’ve got to spend time editing video, and later, going to the dojang.

The flowers whirl away
In the wind like snow.
The thing that falls away
Is myself.

Hana sasou
Arashi no niwa no
Yuki narade
Furi yuki mono wa
Waga mi narikeri

—THE PRIME MINISTER KINTSUNE

i am doing the spring cleaning thing, finally. i wondered when it would manifest. we are into july. but it had to be a moment that chose itself. one thing led to another.

it’s really amazing when you can sit back and stop trying to tie ends together and bring certain realities to bear…trying to arrange things against their own movement into the shape you think best, and instead become watchful and flexible so that you can move yourself to best enjoy or appreciate what things life is doing and bringing your way. what treasures reveal themselves, then. ones you’d not have thought to look for. and many seemingly magical coincidences.

i finally got behind all my furniture in the living room. cleared the junk away behind everything. threw some things out, rerouted some wires. i’ll need to do this to the kitchen soon. i did a halfway job–which looked pretty good–but then dishes crowded in on everything. i really need to get rid of/give away most of my dishes. there is no reason for them anymore. i need only one small set. an extra two for visitors, which i can keep put away. for myself a glass, a cup, a plate, a bowl, a fork, a spoon, a knife and chopsticks. that should do it. there is no reason my sink and counter should get piled up with enough dishes to feed a blogging convention.

master lee is a great sabum, a great teacher i can tell right away. not only does word of mouth move around him like a wide ring of fresh energy, extolling his kindness and ability, but it is plain to see.

luna's first day at the dojang

luna has not yet really been able to enjoy her class. the first time she came with me to all belts practice, but it was above her ability and she felt a bit shy and didn’t really know what to do but  she’ll engage and have a great time when she attends the children-specific class, which would’ve happened already but she caught the nasty cough her sister has and they are both quarantined for now.

but it sure is great to see her in her dobok. not only is she the most adorable white belt ever, but it’s always been important to me to have my girls (my girls especially, tho i’d like to see all my kids in tkd) train since rainsong was little (tho my attempst there failed). her mother wasn’t interested in that idea, but instead put rain into bible camp and horse riding courses. i tried my best, when i could, to introduce rainsong to the idea and to practicing. but you know how those busted relationships can go…some people will specifically strike anything from your kids’ life that you want or that reminds them of you, so deep is their loathing for the other parent of their child. this is still one of those cases.

rainsong and me, 1996ish

when you think about it, it’s impressive that some people can maintain active hate for decades. it’s like a worship of you, in a way. you remain that important to them…even if negatively. hmm. yeah. not for me. that life is not for me. i honor nobody with that kind of self-immolation.

soon luna will make friends in the dojang and she will (i hope?) love it. master lee already asked a few people (girls) on that first day to help luna get her dobok on when she first was fitted, and they whisked her away to later come back with dear luna in her outfit. she looked like a doll!

then, since lunita didn’t really know what you do in a dojang, she told the girls she was going to cover her eyes and they should run and hide. that sort of broke my heart. not that luna was sad, or confused, or anything bad happened. it didn’t. they agreed, and luna covered her eyes, but i actually brought luna to me before she had a chance to start a game, so i could keep her  close.

even the sweet moments watching your child can break your heart into a billion pieces for reasons you don’t even know. your children can seem so sweet, and so naive; so helpless and to survive, dependent on the good graces of the cruel, cruel world. watching them meet the world can surprise you, can rend you with pain you normally never feel for yourself, so inured you are to the way things are. even watching someone else tell her to not lean on the mirrors is not easy, in a tiny, private way. but only for a moment. it will all be good for her, which is of course why she is there. i can be very sensitive to my hypersensitive luna’s feelings, i know. which is why it will be best to give her to the children’s class and master lee, and back off of that part.

master lee brought good reminders to help her feel the dojang was ‘her place’ and to simply support her and tell her she did a good job. which i did. soon, she will meet all the younger kids there, and enjoy the special attention that master lee gives them.

i am still mightily sore, but in different ways than after the first day. and without so much pain. most excitingly, i did better on pacing myself. which is important if i want to make it through the entire class. if i don’t watch out for my pacing, i’ll launch every punch, strike, and kick with full kihap and full intensity, full speed and full extension. this will end up with me heaving for air.  master lee tells me that for the first month, i should keep my energy at about 6, instead of 10 because while my body remembers how to practice, i need to recondition and bring it back to training shape. he has to remind me a few times, but its sticking. i finished last class without stopping, tho many times i was close and really had to push through. he had us doing these wall to wall running, kicking, bowling, shotputting, basketball motion type drills which were exhausting. he told me he developed those specifically for when he was training the olympic tkd team.

on friday, master lee made sure to come around at the start of new exercises and show me the form, which i appreciated. i want to learn the movement from him. most people practicing that i’ve seen up close (lower ranks especially) often implement varying degrees of sloppiness, and i need to see a crisp original so i can copy it exactly. even if not sloppy, not everyone has the ability to render a martial arts movement beautiful. some bodies and brains just don’t seem to get there; they don’t feel that groove to lock into, or won’t snap tightly at the right moment, or maybe they just get there later, i don’t know. but i pay special attention to those who perform these moves a certain way. obviously, master lee is one of those. my body wants to do these moves without any loss of signal, without any degradation of art. of those who practice forms/poomsae sort of loosely or halfheartedly, i don’t think they are bad practitioners. but i guess i don’t understand why they are not getting everything out of it you could. gliding and then jamming and locking it out…extending, floating and BAM…. it’s a conscience-laden, gorgeous dance that has a center, a core that ties it all together. it’s not just a collection of moves that are arranged in a linear sequence like a checkbox list. if i sound judgmental, it’s not in a mean way. just in a way where i evaluate a context around me and decide where i need to be within that.

it made me feel very good that this focus of mine was noticed by a few people already (black belt instructors among them), people who made it a point to tell me. this lets me know i’m not living in a dream of my own imagining, but am demonstrating with my body what is taking place within, and that this performance mirrors my own perceptions. to me, taekwondo really is an art and it really must be perfected for the whole essence to work, i feel. not that you have to get stuff perfect right away, or soon. but my art will require me to get there at some point, to aim for that. martial arts (tkd) to me is like an invaluable personal close special friend that speaks to me on a very true level. because of that i feel i understand what its creators were/are getting at, i’ve grokked that since i first began training. that’s why my love for it is so deep. it does what religion tries to. it guides you along a path that allows you to access a higher self, a pure self that demonstrates focus, strength, balance, energy, and love into your life, into your body, helps you become a vessel of as much. but you have to work it like it is an art, not just a hobby and not just something you do for aerobics.

right now i’m trying my best to catch up on the forms, and the commands and responses. master lee’s dojang has a whole new set of protocol. what you say when you enter, what you say when you leave. what you shout in response to his drills. i feel all bumbly and unschooled! keeping my responses quiet as i listen to how others do it. hey, i’d love to come in all knowledgeable, but we all learn, and we all progress if we want to. its good for the humility bone. and again, i just can’t stand people who don’t know how to be humble on the mat about what they have yet to master. there’s something beautiful about a person’s humility as they learn something important to them. they only shine brighter once they learn and learn well.

—i stop here to muse suddenly on the fact that some people who know me only from online interactions might think i am not humble or that i cannot be, or am the opposite of humble (often my ego is a monster, it is true). i’ve heard as much. then again, as i try to remind them, you don’t know me from only reading me online. none of us know each other if that is the depth of our relationship and i stand by that. but despite the validity of that opinion, and however we are perceived, the truth is that we are many things and could become any of those things we choose. to whatever degree we want. we must find those things and pursuits and ways that help us become the self we feel is truest.

on protocol in the new dojang, i’ve got my sheet of paper and i’m finding pronunciation on youtube, and i’m listening hard in class, and asking when i’m stumped on something. i studied stuff about General Choi and some Korean history when i used to train, but i’m pretty sure in this school and our style of tkd, General Choi is de-emphasized, and i think it is because of the split in style and origins. i have to read more on it. but i also have to do my work for pay, for rent. so dividing time wisely is key. but soon i will get a couple books from the library out so i can expand my understanding of this art and its history. which reminds me, i’ve also taken up more reading lately.

it would be easy to dive fully into training and let many other things fall away. i have to find a balance there, too. for now i am going to three classes a week, and trying to see how that fits into my schedule. maybe later i will go more. when the body stops being sore at three times a week! mixing it up is good. so was the slushy margarita i got at the bar and grill down the street from the dojang on friday, after class. i have a feeling i’ll be back there, too.

this morning i read the intro to mein kampf, and most of a book of japanese poetry.

other things have happened that are worthy of discussing. but i’ve written here long enough.