zap crackle kapow

the nerve pain has been pretty bad the past couple days. it’s just so damn distracting. and tiring. this nerve, constantly firing off signals, it drains your power. it obsesses your mind. i couldn’t even write a few times because to write there needs to be a certain space where your thoughts can move around. but if i sat down to write, in my mind was just NERVE NERVE NERVE NERVE NERVE and it was pointless. i don’t know if the very intense days of instructor training kicked it into high gear, but would not be surprised. lots of very intensive movement. lots of falling. lots of throws, hapkidos, breakfalls; lots of intense arm and shoulder movement with staff, sword nunchuks, and gun and knife self defense. my nerves were ablaze. and when the nerve acts up, the muscles contract hard. and when they do that, they give the nerve less room to move (it snakes under the pectoral minor, for one), so it gets worse. and so on. this is the kind of pain that can drive you mad. it’s very needling and sharp. and i realized that what drives you crazy about pain, whether its a tattoo or a pinched nerve, is the way it accumulates. it builds up. and it won’t stop. and after a while, just not being able to crawl away from it for even a moment begins to make you insane. you just need a break for a minute. it’s that claustrophobia again, inside your own body.

i begin to wonder, too, if stress aggravates it. i think it does. i need to open up some more time or something. i need to relax a little more. i’m always driving hard. taekwondo, children, or artwork. you’d think working at home would be much much more chill. it is in a handful of ways. i’m not sure why it hasn’t been lately. i need to get my oregon driver’s license already. the bus situation gets stressful at times. and down the road, when DS begins to accrue capital through revenue, i’ll no doubt have a little more money so i can afford more childcare, which will open up more space. it gets stressful to be working, be taking care of children, and also to be busing them around town for tkd and such. lately i feel out of breath, with the tri-weekly chiropractor visits added on top of it all.

t tried to take a few days and just totally chill recently. snow days knocked out the schedule for a couple days. everything closed here. foot of snow or so! and i pulled back on tkd, too, and basically just cleared the schedule. it was nice. but it was not enough. i think that’s because i’ve had this cold that keeps relapsing because i won’t rest enough. but i had to muscle through the instructor seminars. there was no way around it.

i took 4 advil and it seems that helps the nerve. gracias a los santos. it doesn’t go away all the way, and the hand still gets a bit numb if i move certain ways. but it gives some distance so that every moment i’m not rubbing my back, arm, wincing, or trying to massage or stretch away the pain. it’s a glorious respite. advil is going to be my good friend for a few days.

the chiropractor’s away for spring break so there’ll be no more progress for now. i have a lot more mobility in my neck. it’s amazing. but i wonder if all the mobility is making the nerve hurt worse before it gets better. i think so. in part, the immobility was keeping me from aggravating the nerve as much by denying me certain motion. so until we work our way all the way to where the original injury affected me, this might be the new normal.

as much as surgery terrifies me and i am dead set against it in all cases unless absolutely necessary, i can tell this pain is the kind of thing that would wear me down eventually. if nothing else fixes it, it would eventually drive me mad. i would either be hopped up on muscle relaxants and advil all the time, or i’d need to find a way out of it. so. who knows. but i sure hope the chiropractor can get to it in time, can fix it. because the idea of “rerouting” a nerve via surgery–and one that is in my neck–does NOT appeal to me.

okay. i’m sorry for all the complaining. this definitely has been my post for venting. taking a few pounds of my back and just kvetching. i can’t do it out loud and too much of my days lately are me putting on a good face in public and pretending i’m not experiencing periods or bursts of agonizing pain in my arm and neck. i pull it off okay, more or less, but it’s not how i’m really feeling. and hiding how you are really feeling is stressful, too. but the truth is, the pain (even when progress is not being made) cycles and will fade a little (and the advil has taken the edge off); i will get my license before too long; and space and time will ease up, and i bet very soon. at least a little. after all, i’m done with the long ramp up to black belt, and i’m done with the instructor training course. so given all these things, i know the situation will get better. and lest i forget, things have been much worse, and not too long ago! so even in these trying moments, there is gratitude….

well, i’ve been up since 3:30 or so (am), and i’ve already spent a full workday of hours doing artwork by now, so i think i’m gonna treat myself to some TV while the girls nap. the demo team is now in Go mode, which means a few weeks until our next demo (International Night), which means we meet three days a week until then (instead of 2). attendance is non negotiable for the time being, and especially for me, as i am assistant team captain.