let me drop some thoughts here before i shut this down for the night and prepare to celebrate.
2010 has not been entirely bad. i saw some ventures move forward, some friendships deepen, and i brought myself back to training in taekwondo—something that makes me happier than almost anything else i do in life. so by no means can i call it a bad year or anything.
at the same time, i very much feel this is a real juncture, a good point where some things will be left behind, some things that have been riding along quite a long time.
just the other day, i felt a cloud of despair… or a haze of doubt…or maybe a clinging to hope—i’m not sure what it was, or better yet, i’m not sure what to call it or what i want to call it—pass by me. finally. pass over, float away. dry up. it wasn’t wishful thinking, or strained effort, or effort at all. it was just there like always, and then….gone. came a moment and i accepted what i needed to, i exhaled, i looked within, and then when i was done, i looked to the sky, and knew i was done.
it has not returned since then, and i know i walk into this new year with a sense of peace that has been absent for too long.
i knew it was important that i clean my room today. i tried to clean the whole house, but it was too much work, even moving at a good clip for 7 or 8 hours.
i knew i needed to get rid of the clutter that i see every single day, that bothers me every day. mess of wires and broken styrofoam and tapes in a heap. wrappers and dust and pennies and rubber bands and old business cards and stray filters and so much clutter in my room that all that was left was a path through it to my computer seat. but on every side, junk junk junk.
that’s what took me most of those 7 hours. because i was determined that when the sun rises tomorrow, it will shine on this room and this room will be clean. and feel peaceful. and ordered. open the pathways, wipe away the dust, throw out the clinging clutter. and i did. it felt so good.
i broke down the whole room. did laundry. put it away. washed my guitars. vacuumed behind everything, dusted and cleaned my desks. threw out appliances and things that i’d been holding on to…for ridiculous reasons. not reasons at all, actually. just …habit. fear? inertia. but i tossed them tonight, and i feel lighter. physically lighter.
later i’ll finish up the third load of dishes so that the sink is empty and clean in the morning.
some years have passed by and yeah before it’s been like happy new year this will be new stuff…but there was really no feeling of that happening in my life before the 31st of december came along. it was just part of the holiday/cultural feeling, the celebration.
this year is different. tonight’s celebration feels like the official gold stamp on a process and event that has been unfolding for months. and more than that. i feel i walk away from some things that have been a constant companion for about two decades. and it’s good, yeah. real good.
before i forget, i wanted to clear something up, since i was asked by a couple people: this post is not about anyone i’ve spoken to on the phone or in email or in person in the last year. it’s about someone not in my life anymore at all. i don’t like to write things about people who read and who i speak to in such a way, so no fear. we can go into tomorrow without any doubt. in fact, once the heat passed i wished i just kept it to myself. but then again, maybe the heat wouldn’t have passed if i did that. so it is what it is.
…will be the year that the mobile platform/software company i am with drops our first game on the market.
…will be the year of my brown belt. and the year of my red belt. year of the black?
…will be the year i travel east…further east than nyc.
…will be the year my grandchild is born to my eldest son.
…will be the year i turn 42—which as we know, is The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.
…will be the year luna starts school.
…will be the year i return to recording music.
i don’t know. and that’s the very best part. the uknown. the potential. the possibility.
so much possibility.
here we go!
happy new years, mis amigos. i’m not going to edit and edit this until it shines and sings. i’m going to cap it off here and hop in the shower. get a drink. tell some stories, have some laughs, chill with some human beings.
i hope you and i come to discover some unexpected and electric frontier in 2011. let’s be a bit bolder this year. let’s dare. i feel so grateful that i’m still here. that i’m allowed to learn, and grow, and strive. and become more than i was. and see more than i have. i don’t know about you… but i’m feeling a bit joyous. and reckless, too. and i mean that in a good way.
either way, may you and i become even better at letting our humility grow, our love show, and our generosity flow.