before, heavy

ever since i was reminded of my physical “tic,” that tightening up that i can lapse into, i’ve made it a project to change that. to undo it. i asked myself how do you train to relax? and realized, through the doing, that i had the question wrong. after all, i had already trained–unwittingly–to tighten up when either i prepared for physical exertion, or my mind involved itself in matters martial. so it was more how to untrain that habit. or how to “see” it; how to become conscious of when this other training kicked in, and to rewire and replace with other behavior and mental messaging.

it sounds complicated when i put it into words, of course, but it’s a simple process that we undertake to change a habit and i’m sure you are familiar with it.

i had the ‘self check’ part right. the tightening had become unconscious, and so i had to more or less set a mental recurring alarm to note my upper body, to trip a circuit when i made myself rigid, and to relax. to breathe. that’s what it came down to. i was stopping breathing. and so in checking myself over a course of days, i realized that i was doing it when exerting at home, as well. a bad habit. stretch to reach something? pick something up to move it? push hard on something? you have to remember to always be letting breath move through your body. it’s an understandable though destructive habit, to hold your breath when you exert. it checks your power, it slows you down, it sets you up to be exploded (your balance as well as your blood vessels or muscles) and thrown off balance by a blow or a big shift in the terrain/your body/the situation.

so i made that effort, i dipped into that energy that i find very accessible when training in TKD; that will-mustard that spreads thick and pungent. it’s a powerful current from the mind, it’s invoked when you really really care about your discipline (of whatever nature) and really mean it down to your bones to change something you are doing, a habit, a way of being. this intention…this current, is stronger than usual. more effective from being so charged with meaning for you…i guess that’s one way of saying it, maybe not the best. but that’s one of those things i love about training in TKD. the Can Do, the Will Do, the ability to align your mental energy and focus with your physical self. the competition against your weaker or lazier self, or the housing of a battle between entropy and evolution within your own frame.

wow, it all sounds very grandiose. you’ll have to forgive me, i’m sort of a drama queen. but please also know that i mean it all very sincerely.

so, i practiced at home just by living, as well as kicking and punching practice. i loosened up my upper body. as often, when i really really mean it with something (like when i quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey the first time i walked into the dojang) the hardest part really is just the decision to commit fully. and once i do, bam. it’s like an iron door shutting. sort of how like yesterday i put away my grinder and coffee pot. i don’t drink coffee now. at least for now. so no need for that. moving forward. it was like this with the loosening up decision. it affected me deeply to realize what i was doing with my body. and it was important for me to progress past that unconscious reflexive action and state of being.

and it was immediately gratifying. looser and with wind moving through me, i kick higher. easier. faster. i practice some muy thai knee moves (these are part of my loosening up routine, less stress on my legs because you don’t extend in this case, only lift knee high) and am so happy to see how much faster i can move my knees and legs (stating the super obvious here) when i am not clamping down on my diaphragm.

and in loosening up, not just in practice, but in all i was doing, i experienced a different internal state. and somehow, in doing so, i realized that this tension was (of course) some kind of apprehension clinging to the inside of my ribs, hanging curled tight from my clavicles. some unforgiving energy i was holding toward myself…some fear of some sort…of something ahead. some insecurity, maybe partially an anxiety about training and how fast i was moving, or what it meant to practice violence, or just the challenge of pitting myself against my less willing parts.

ugh. i really hate putting some things into words. while it is a service to demystify some well-entrenched verbal hackery surrounding some matters, to simplify; in other areas you can only wave crude symbols around and you feel it does a disservice to the magic of what you attempt to describe. this is one of those times.

but as often happens in pursuits that involve your heart (so far i’ve found this so with acting as well as martial art), you realize that the small technique you strive to master physically really is but a symbol for the ethereal matters of your soul. and so on letting go of a tension that binds your lungs tight and your shoulders as if steel, you exhale into tears, and into relief. you realize you have been carrying around something…something you don’t need to. it slows you down. it makes you heavy. maybe you don’t do it all at once, maybe you only begin to do it. but it is a beginning that feels like a loosening, an unraveling of some thing that binds a part of you. and you don’t do it with a profuse streaming out of chipped edge and mushy bottomed words. you don’t do it with therapy sessions. you simply realize this tightness is interfering with the progress you want to make in your art. and you decide it must go, then.

and you practice. and practice. and practice.

sabum complimented my motions today, and it made me feel very good. i knew then that my little project was working, and not just in my imagination. myself and someone else were practicing kicking techniques togother; we were doing Ahp Chagi (Front Kick), Tdwim Yah Chagi (Jumping Front Kick), Chirugi (Punch). you do these in sequence so it’s one, two, three.  kick, step, jump, kick in the air, land, punch from the hip. (there’s something about these motions–and this is why it is an art–that just sort of clicks when you hit them the way they are designed, and they become physically joyful to execute…that’s the sweet spot you practice toward in a move.)

sabum watched me and shouted happily, “Now you have it! You are much lighter. Before, heavy.”

i smiled widely and bowed, thanked him as he turned away to move to the front of the room.

and in all of this, i realize too that i just have to lean back. i want to bring myself up to speed in a few days. after a hiatus of over a decade. that’s ridiculous. if i push myself too hard i’ll keep pulling muscles (which i may do anyway, but wow, my right hamstring is rebelling!), and well, i’ll be crouched into a cramp, as i try to rush forward. so i let go of that. i am where i should be. i am practicing. i am lucky enough to have my health be in good shape. and as sabum—and my own internal signals—let me know today, i am making progress.

and you can take those inner ideas and decisions, and spread them around, too. to the rest of what you do and how you are. i mean, that’s the idea, really. it’s all one.