challenge

nowhere does ego feel more out of place to me than in the dojang.

don’t get me wrong, i am not talking about focus, or happiness, or triumph expressed, or effort, or recognition of effort or achievement, or expectation of formal respect—such as bowing to a master or a blackbelt.

hm. perhaps it would be more accurate to say nowhere is ego more quickly divested of disguises than in the dojang. nowhere does it seem to stand out so harshly as there, where there is generally a collective feel of respect and effort divested of the need to be showy or false. where, usually, there is a truthfulness as expressed in sincere effort that cannot be masked by words or flash. if your form is tight, it will show. if you didn’t practice but instead watched TV, there will be no need to make excuses; it will show. if your kicks are crisp and fully in chamber, all will see. if your punches are launched and executed properly, your dobok will pop and people will hear it.

but we are all humans. so there will be personality that interferes at times. i suppose i’ve already met the first person in this new dojang who is bringing personality my way. or should i say “insecurity”? probably.

part of sparring is intimidation. so there is definitely a time for psych games. but this is going down upon meeting one person for the first time. clearly he is feeling froggy, even though two full ranks above me. it’s a troubling sign to me, personally. i expect you to embody a humility on the mat when you are high enough in rank. because restraint and humility are signs of achievement there. it is the insecure beginner who needs to withhold respect even from his classmates, even from a new one. i don’t want to see…any belt above yellow acting in ways that indicate they are confusing targets or sources of angst in themselves or having something desperate to prove. this will translate in their art, and that can get people hurt. plus, it’s just not beautiful. and beauty is why i love taekwondo.

you can tell when you meet people at the dojang how confident they are. at least in my experience, those will be the kind ones, the ones who show you respect, even if above you in rank. granted, you bow when you bow, and i don’t mind that. it’s a salute of respect, and that respect is earned. anyone who has trained for any amount of time knows this. i choose sabum-nim/kyobu-nim (masters/teachers) i respect from the start. and then i invest trust in them. that is how it works, as far as i understand, with teachers in any area. no respect, no trust? nothing learned. maybe pilfered, but that’s different.

anyway, i could tell by this cat’s greeting as well as some of his behavior while we were warming up that decisions will have to be made about how to deal with this particular challenge in the story. finally, at the end, he asked me if i was going to go to the sparring sessions on saturday. i told him i was going to wait to do this until i got my lungs back in shape. he told me i should come so they could catch me up. he said it jokingly, mock-threateningly. a higher rank can make these jokes to a lower rank. as well as invite them to spar. it doesn’t go the other way around.

i don’t mind. when i first joined TKD, i was filled with anxiety. it was so terrifying to spar, or to even suit up. i was dealing with a lot of things in myself, and with a big change. but i’ve spent time on this since then. i don’t see sparring or training the same way i did then. it is not an unknown. it is not street fighting. it is not fighting for your life, tho it may be fine to work it that way if it helps you strive high. i see it…as training to improve against myself. other people provide good challenges to me, good tools for my betterment. even if they come bearing a grudge. also, i have a decent feel for my relative strengths as compared to other fighters. and one thing i always bring is a lightness of the feet and (allow me to say) uncommon speed. he, with his bearish lumbering kicks doesn’t worry me toooo much—though believe me, i have a healthy respect for any rank when it comes to kicks. certainly one a couple ranks above me. after all, i’ve seen yellow belts knock each other out cold with uncontrolled crescent kicks. these are powerful tools you learn. which is why it is troubling to see a mind or heart that does not yet possess the same grace and wisdom and solidity as needed to wield them properly.

plus…dude should really think it over carefully. if you challenge someone two belts your junior, it is damn well expected you can best them. at best, you meet expectations. but if that lower rank were to get the better of that senior rank—even a little—this might embarrass a bit. it’s sort of a proposition stacked in my favor. but at least it keeps everything interesting.

so. there’s your first subplot to this new book in the story of nez.

sijak!