Less Tumbling, More Taeguk

it’s been a while i’ve been away from training. when last i was involved with taekwondo, i had won gold at my first tournament for forms, and qualified to compete in the nationals. our dojang was getting jackets made up and planning our competition…and i just opted out. at least i left on a high note. i don’t remember all the reasons i left at the exact moment i did, but one of the major ones was obvious: i was shifting my energies into school. i had returned to school, and the massive stores of energy and focus that TKD required i gave to college, instead. i did very well at my community college, and transferred to NYU. while at NYU, i thought various times about joining the school’s team. but instead, i decided to put my extra energies (what were left after film school took its huge cut!) into a relationship. and a wild city styled life.

i don’t regret those choices. but i did miss everything about training. i missed the serious shape i was in, the lithe feeling, the light feeling, the fluid and strong feelings that the body can give. i missed knowing i was striving for those places that physical excellence can bring you. i missed the constant philosophy in my mind and body; the tenets, the approach toward life, toward harm, toward self, toward others. i missed competing with myself. i missed thinking of myself as an athlete. i missed the mat. the bag. the porkchop pad. the faces i knew at the dojang.

i could go on. really. as i’ve said before…i’ve loved very little as much as i love martial arts.

recently i found myself in a state wherein i was cruising forward on old habits, and too reliant on computers and the buzzing hive of virtual society, the white-cold glare of a simulated circle of friends, and feeling too isolated in my home. i feel i’ve lived a winter that has lasted me nearly two years. i don’t want to tell that story any more than i have. spring has broken. and just like the snake on the stone that sj gave me (which remains, tho her friendship has clearly dissipated), i move and transform with the seasons of my life. i am the seasons of my life. i am old man winter, and the lithe, green, spring. the cobra and the mongoose, los dos. the contraction and the expansion, the sinewave and the strike.

it all sounds very serious, but really i just feel at peace with it. and i don’t really mean to set up a dichotomy—at least not an unwavering one—between how much Tumblr (or internet in general) I use vs. how much I train…but there is truth there. i’ve put down twitter and tumblr a bit, as well as other internet moseying…because while i love it…it’s also substitution in many cases. and part of my finally walking into the local dojang (after researching schools here) was born from me putting down the internet activity a bit and sitting with myself. what happens? a boredom rises. a loneliness. a dissatisfaction. and i wanted to meet those things with activity. not with internet, as is usually the case. i wanted not to bury those things under web pages, but let them rise. and then say…’what now? how to deal with those things now?’

when i decided to begin training again, i accepted the idea that i would lose my rank. i was even ready to begin as a white belt! that’s a bit of a decision when you’ve already trained for years and worked your way up the ranks a tiny bit. but long absence, new school, new master, new style of pumsae—who knows. i decided i was still willing to begin again. so i was pleased when after an evaluation at the school, i was told i would be keeping my belt. but i do have to train for a little while with the lower ranks while i come up to speed on the specific forms used at this school (i used to train in ITF [International Taekwondo Federation] forms, these are WTF [World Taekwondo Federation] forms). but the blocks are the same, the one-steps, the hapkidos, the strikes, the kicks, the philosophies, the tenets, the TKD.

and now, it’s soon time for noon class, and so i’ll need to eat, shower and get ready. i’m taking luna to begin training, and we need to get there a little early so they can size her for her dobok.