your own proving ground

tearing around town yesterday on the bike was fantastic as usual. i did learn a few lessons, though. the way i prefer, the hard way. it feels enough like a bmx that i find myself trying to whip it around, hop off curbs, do tricks i did for years on the bikes i’ve rode more than any other kind. plus, i have a natural physical aptitude with anything i take up in general, so these two things combine to make me feel a bit more experienced on this mountain bike than i am. i tend to drive a bit faster and looser than i should. add to this the greater weight and size of the bike and the fact that i’ve done most of my riding in the woods and on rural and suburban roads (never had a bike in miami or manhattan or brooklyn or any city i’ve lived in actually) and now i’m in traffic and it makes for a scene fraught with danger. this thing really can get moving fast with a little ass muscle behind it. i should add that this bike thing was a great idea for getting toned again. my lungs hurt everytime i ride it, but then again, weak lungs are a curse i was born with apparently, as i found out at the bronx hospital in …1990? who remembers anymore. set up a doctor appointment actually. with cheapo progressive oregon joint. figure spring is on the way and a new time and i should get checked out in general. they said they’d refill my ventolin, too. hit of that before sparring or riding makes a difference. speaking of sparring one of these days i’d love to get back to training. even if only by buying a heavy bag and having space. and time. yeah. one of these days.

so at one point i also learned how hard you can spill coming down a hill, banking a tight turn, but in the rain and with a heavy backpack on. wow. never did that one before. i felt it happening, felt the backpack’s inertia yank me sideways as i tried to turn and realized too late (but with perfect slow motion lucidity, just like my head on collision in 95) that my weight was all high up and i was like a van about to tumble. couldn’t do anything about it but laugh, i was laughing actually as i wiped out because it was SO complete. i really did go ass up, dragging paint off my forks and all. i wear a badass little helmet so i was okay in that way. and i didn’t break or cut anything, so it went pretty well. but i sure did feel idiotic right there at a big intersection. so glad i wasn’t on the road, as this major street actually has no bike lane (Willamette), as “bike friendly” as the city is (2nd in the nation? 3rd? no less than that)

also a while ago some stupid kid sold his videogame system on ebay to me but neglected to mention that he had written HIS NAME IN BIG BLOCK PERMANENT LETTERS ON EVERYTHING FROM THE CORDS TO THE CONTROLLERS TO THE DISCS TO THE GAME so i thought i’d bring it local and it turns out that even tho its a nice little setup i cant sell it here because i rubbed off the damn serial number when i was cleaning this kids name off stuff. AGH. WHY are you printing serials in ink that can get rubbed off so easy???? so i guess i’ll craigslist or ebay it. whatever. yes, am now selling things on ebay and such because money is tight and its too rainy for a damn yard sale!

spring is coming, but she’s taking her time.

i care about the positive change our government is putting into effect lately, but it only seems miraculous in relation to the grossly mediocre to downright dark days we’ve been forced to think of as normal. of course if a government takes so much of our money and can use it on killing, they can use it on healing us, too. if a govt can lay down rules for the People, as well as hang the threat of death or imprisonment over us as part of a contract of living here, you’re damn right it should also be acting in positive ways, as well. so i’ll wait on all the hoopla, as i know they will take a while to come into effect anyway. we’re not done looking after all issues. on immigration, obama seems to be trying to pull some centrist obscuring bullshit, and the ICE raids are still going down on his watch while a bunch of good junk is talked up so bfd. anyway, enough of politics here. that’s not what this place is for.

feeling turned off by social media lately as every damn virtual merchant and organization and station and big shot is humping the Twitter bird and otherwise its too much TV talk and dire politics and electric blue headlines. And that’s not even how I hang out. seeing this sort of makes me feel lonely, but not in a scary way. only a way where i remember this is just an electric communication and memory tool, not a warm, beating heart. bright and colorful light, but not an eye looking back into mine. full of sounds and songs but not a voice that can sound out into space and into my ears. distinct surfaces and mechanisms awaiting the input of various signals, but no hand to touch, not even an arm to brush, or playfully shove. this interface provides at best, a copy of a friend’s face or voice. and too laden with my own perception and intention and narcissistic projection. it’s good to remember not to lean on it too much for the wrong things, or at least not for too long.

i dont mean to criticize others’ good time…so i just back off lately, rather than get into that. it’s not them. it’s not the medium. it’s me. i’m not only the type that backs away from big buzzy crowds, but also a sort that needs the saltwater. i want to mash myself up against the big blue orbs of the world, not against her grill. i dont want to discuss digital dilemmatoid. i want to carve ruts into the earth with my hands until they bleed. and then i want to feel you clean and bandage them for me. and then i want to use them to cook everyone dinner and play a song that we can’t help but sing along to. i don’t want to play charades in masks that stink of new plastic. but again, these qualifications are my own. and if that’s how i feel, it’s better to find other places to give energy.

the winter has been painful. and good. i love living alone. i don’t want to give it up anytime soon. i love traveling terrain in my mind and heart that is new. i’ve met myself in a way that i’ve never before. and have seen things in myself or my actions that…well, i won’t say i haven’t seen them before. and yet there is nothing like that time you finally shift inside to make room for that awareness. i feel, here at almost 40, that i’ve had another bout of awareness. come at me with fury and resolve, as always. (“resolve” contains the words “solve” and “love” which is satisfying)

and yet, i have not fully emerged from what feels like this cocoon of change. i will not emerge as a butterfly in an open sky. the moth has swept through too much flame to hope for untouched wings of a  delicate hue. these jeweled panes are smoked black on the corners, sharp obsidian chips removed as payment for passage. eyes wild and growing wilder, though my sense of smell is sharper than ever before.

i need more time yet. time to feel out my own way, to orient myself, to let this shape steam in the morning sun, to unfurl the wings. to find the horizon, to feel out the frame and learn the balance so i can lean tight into the curves again. to mix my metaphors with the morning rain, full force and without shame.

i wrote in my handwritten journal in 2003 or so another’s heart should not be your own proving ground

and there’s just not enough room or time to write everything i mean, so i leave this note
so incomplete