too many dreams

i’ve sent them all away
i’ve pushed them all away

the one who brought me food
and held me at night
and cleaned up my vomit
and bore my child
and listened to me ramble when my mind was wild
and helped me feel not alone in the world
for the time it takes a broken mirror to be repaired
i pushed her away and she’s gone.

and the one who offered so much ethereal promise
and artistic impulse
and who let me guide her
(most of the time)
and made me feel magical
and powerful
and wise
i may as well have smacked her with the letter that i sent her
i pushed her away and she’s gone.

and the list goes on

and i’m glad you are 3000 miles from me
and i can’t run to you each night
bury my bareskinned heart
in the clench of your comfort
it would be too easy to forget
things i’m sure i should remember
things i really must remember

instead
the night comes
with tight lip and iron fingertip
she is not kind
she enters my rooms wearing black
walking backward
strikes from the sides
faster than light
and when she’s done with me
i’m incoherent
and immobile
and paralyzed under the weight of my dreams