lessons can be ugly

he grew increasingly agitated as he drove
it was quite a transformation
his normally very controlled and egregiously level voice became sharp
he was snapping at people on the phone a second after asking for help
his stress had come alive and instead of staying down in the cellar
where he kept it coiled up and sweating
it had leapt free and snatched control of his entire being
was veining his skin up along his shaven skull
was spreading outward invisibly but palpably
like fibrous fever

i tried to remind him not to escalate
but he was oddly unable to hear me
i told him he was making a choice to lose control
and he snapped back
i am NOT making a choice
so i realized that there wasn’t any point in my reminders
finally
he lost it. clutched at his own head.
“I don’t know what to do! Someone needs to do something!”

it wasn’t at that moment but shortly after that she exploded next to him.
she told him to PULL THE FUCKING CAR OVER NOOOOOOW
and it did feel maternal, but probably not in the way he may have hoped
he visibly shrunk under that heat
the last time i looked over at him he was about a foot tall and stooped over with his head hung down
saying (calmly again)
Don’t yell at me. Please don’t yell at me.
but that only made her more furious
THIS WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
and you could see her disgust
disgusted that he could not get them to the airport on time
but mostly that he would become so shamelessly and utterly helpless and miserable and unable to right himself

what i learned long ago was that women don’t mind if you are helpless sometimes.
we all respond to certain things, and we all enjoy the interplay, if done right
she can rescue you or heal you or give you hope when you have none
and everyone’s happy
but…don’t be helpless in a moment she is specifically depending on you to come through
that, my poor man—
not so sexy.