shot in the dark

i normally saw her before i had my coffee my espresso shot
no shirt on only my hoodie halfway zipped
hummingbird there and sometimes my eyes red
stubbled and thirsty

coffee girl, woman at the coffee shop
she who provides the hot sweet goodness
stopped me short one day
she turned to me and said

“i’m ready to remember your name.”

and of course i told her
again
but i couldn’t get that line out of my head all day
i’m ready
to remember your name

her face turned toward mine
bright blue eyes shining 

she knew the smiling me
the quiet me
the well-tipping me
i enjoyed beginning the day that way
with someone who smiled to see me
where i could be a Me who was gentle and inspire positivity 

until the day that square cow farmer man came in
and forced me to get intense with him
and then she wasn’t very warm to me anymore
i remembered that some women get very scared to see this side
and i cursed the cow farmer
for ruining that feeling that image, the me i had been in her eyes
for dispelling the special world she and i had made there
and i thought many bad things about him
and i made my own coffee for a long time after that and didn’t go to the bakery
and i began to imagine writing a story where a character like me would kill this other man for doing what he did
for ruining this one place, this only place left where there was some air
the audience would know it was real to him and at the same time see he was mad
and the poignancy and impossibility would stab you to death there in the dark of the theater
and i would win money and finally have a movie directed so i could tell the world such a story and others
it would be the new taxi driver and more…
but…i didn’t write it
and i stopped thinking about it

today was the first day i went back
i almost scarfed down some kids roll
thought it was my egg sandwich
i apologized and felt very embarrassed
the mother smiled nervously and said it was all right
later, she kept looking at me from across the room
watching me play with my iPhone

the coffeegirl smiled at me again and made it a point to talk to me
but i’m over her…