splinter and soul

  

heartmuscle, originally uploaded by nezua.

trying to settle. trying to settle and fill the belly. still distant from repetitive necessities, bored with eating showering and the like. do it, but not with great interest, sort of necessary evils. not sure i appreciate that view. everything can be relished and make for a joyful and deep experience. eating, cooking, showering, bathroom actions, sleeping. and they do sometimes. yet, i do not appreciate their insistence and timing. i’d do half of the amount of rounds if i could. but alas, that doesnt seem to work out.

looking fwd to hooking up some more work as soon as i can. i’m not idle, am working a couple jobs at once, always. have to. but think i will cut it down to two at once. more than that and the jobs seem to lag too long. but need to make more, get a big deposit or something, need to replace two crowns. sharp teeth breaks are hurting my tongue. why doesnt insurance cover crowns? i don’t understand that. isn’t it a normal part of dentistry? i hardly think that this state of affairs is something that should be thought of as needing anything fancy or cosmetic. this is not about cosmetics, these are teeth in the back that don’t even show. this is a sort of torture. i wake up at night because i’m biting my tongue and two teeth are sharp as razors. my mouth is a medieval rack. i don’t even shape some words the same anymore because i have to look out for the angles. good thing i dont spend a lot of time in deeply enmeshed kisses or anything. i’d eat ya alive.

am i still covered by herm’s insurance? i think she dropped a day of her schedule because i needed more time for work. that might have made her part time, and thus no insurance. no, we wouldn’t have agreed on that. she needs her insurance. and in my case it would hardly matter. most of this is going to come out of pocket.

and yet
i’m taking time away from work days to research law in the law library and file papers and go to court because i was served with charges that must be disputed and disproved. can’t afford a lawyer, that would cost more than the amount i’m losing due to taking all this time away from work. work work work. court. blog. press release threat of lawyers delayed paychecks rotten excuses cluttered room breakbrokebrake—

i need a different kind of break. like on the beach away from everything except wind water and sun and a smile full of teeth that feel smooth as polished coral.