and quiet

mentor, originally uploaded by nezua.

it became very simple all of a sudden i thought about it, the job just demands too much time for what it pays. it’s not bout love or gratitude or potential or anything like that. it’s about the second law, about replenishing energy, about practicality. about eating. about having some peace, and time to rest. i’m working, basically, a few jobs at once. it’s wearing away all the insulation from my wires. i’m pushing it like i did in college, double time triple time, the always on always going mode that works you too fast for you to notice that you are slipping behind far away and always running. and none of them can wait, and yet they all do, and all suffer. this is ridiculous. this is not intelligent. this is not effective. this is breeding internal conflict that cannot be resolved productively. because it’s not about the money, that’s another way to say it’s about the time demand. it’s too high. and i can’t do slapdash jobs. i’m not a slapdasher, it’s not how i’m made. i’m made the other way. not that way. i learned that one a long time ago, i remember the conflict with eric, when i used to paint and hang wallpaper, i was 19. wasn’t his fault. i wanted to do aqualine brushstrokes and savor the change, wanted to feel the wood push back on the brush, wanted to be doing other painting. “just bang it out” he’d say and i just didn’t know how. i don’t fight it anymore. that’s one thing you get out of aging. you begin to find and accept how you work best, and jettison situations where you will be working harder against your own nature than any other external story element.