the sun is being good to me

she knows its been a rough few weeks. i always think of the sun as a she, even tho the spanish language gives it an “el.” last couple days its been bright, which feels good to me. i need sun, need more sun than the pacific north west gives me. sun instantly makes me happy. just feeling it on my face makes me feel good, feel possibility, feel inspired. changes the entire day around. makes hard facts easy to look at. makes forever seem like a good thing. i’m glad the sun is coming back. it rains a lot here. but in the summer and the warm months you can get lots of sunny and warm days. i hope this is the last winter i’m here. once i finish up my mtv gig i’m moving. who knows where. maybe california. maybe texas. maybe guatemala. maybe back to florida so i’m closer to the east coast, where i miss some people. but i’m done with the north. even if i have to spend november here (which i do because i’m street team all the way baby, and november is the big one), i’ll be damned if i spend another january in oregon. that’s my limit.

never meant to move here permanently. just had to jump back here from new york when it seemed like there was nothing else to do. publisher told me one thing one month and changed his mind the next. he was a good man…but very, very unreliable in a few ways. or maybe it was just the situation in general. i think it was time to leave westchester anyway, felt it.

one of these days i’ll clear enough time for myself that i can put together something to send in, get a new book or two going, and with a decent label. damn, william morris is still waiting for me (that is, has forgot about me). and by now i know i could get paid, easy. the trash that’s out there! for now, i’m happy to edit video and feel the sun on my face. plenty others are in far worse shape than i am, even with book contracts.

thought about it today. never thought i’d live this long. looked at the landscape and thought thats all there was. didn’t know what was possible. wanted so bad to make music with a friend, we traveled the country with that dream. wanted so bad to make videos with my homeboys in g’ville and c’ville and neversink, wanted so bad to make music and videos, had nothing, no equipment. for so long. broke in my room, and we’d draw on the walls. working landscaping, we’d spend all our money on weekends unwinding and literary type pursuits. smoke up the room and work on a case of heineken while we took turns at the typewriter. DeadSally and the Gloveman. back to work on monday. at community college as a photo major we’d shoot videos on the rental from the video store where i worked, and use ketchup for blood. lie freezing in puddles in a winter in sundown just to Get the Shot. we had no idea how to keep continuity at that point. even our serious pieces were hilarious due to our amateur abilities. but we had lots of creativity. lots of ability. always lusting over gear, over means, so many ideas, so many dreams….

don’t know how it happened. now i have the gear i need. traded years for it? life always turning over, turning round, turning upside down. and i look around and all the friends that sat with me and dreamed of making these little films…they are gone. we’ve all drifted apart. one is an english teacher who voted for bush. wow. how did that happen. another went back to college, became popular in ways he never was in high school…and stopped writing. not because he got popular. he was always good at writing and keeping in touch. much better than me. he was the best of all my friends at keeping in touch. maybe he got tired of sending letters and getting nothing back. or maybe it was….? they all got a bit heavier. i guess i did, too. jonny boy. where are ya? i’ve got the rig finally, i’ve got the lights and the green screen, and the music machine. come on back, vance. come on back, bill. let’s do it. let’s finally make some art. let’s make that movie.

it’s taken me a while, but i’ve realized. i don’t care about the size of the screen, or having an auditorium scream my name. i just want to make art with my friends. in one way or another. in one shape or another. that’s what i’m here to do. art and community. i don’t care about fame, don’t want it. thought i did once. i think america teaches famelust by default. but its not what it seems, even on a small scale. the more people know you, they more they probably want you, want a piece of you. think they define you, own you. use your work to get inside your head and coax out a version of you like pulling worms from a hole with a cup of sour milk fumes. i don’t want that. i hate sour milk. i just want to be happy. and making art makes me happy. and so do friends. the rest of all of it i want to smash.