pain in the neck!

i’m on a mission. i’m seeking a condition where volition needs no permission. this is the theme lately. so busy! braaaaa! i think once i get the bed(s) and pay off a few things oustanding and fix my recently-broken tooth i shall pare down my workload. it’s just  hard to see a job and be like “what, i don’t have to haul wet hay or boxes or shingles or …” and get paid? and i don’t know why labor is still my gauge. i haven’t had to work labor for years! and not as a main means of income for at least a decade. i think its just that the novelty of getting paid cashmoneh for art still hasn’t worn off! even though i’ve been doing that, too, for at least 17 solid years. time. it’s a funny thing. or maybe i’m still waiting for the roofing crew to end the lunch break, and this little bubble will pop and i’ll go pick up my hammer and nailyprin and forget all about blogando.

there’s something else i have to delve into regarding latinonicity before i can move on to What Does It Mean to be Jewish-ish? so i’ll get to that. but it’s related to all this heat that recently went down, and it would be silly not to touch it now. oh, it’s nothing spiteful, nothing to continue a fight. more about what it means in this whole UMX framework i’ve laid out to be with someone of another ethnicity, and looking at your own arc over time. how that has been tied into my identity in a few ways. what fears i had, what thoughts i had, what people i approached, what people said to me, how it all shaped my views, and how it does now. i did a little of that. but did not connect it to my present. because i was still in the thick of a bunch of thinking things through. or wondering how i felt. it’s good to hit that, it’s part of the whole UMX self-teaching school that has given my blog most of the life it’s had. i almost went there last summer, but was still mulling over a lot. it feels right now. (and by the way, i want it to be clear that i never wanted that fight in the first place. …much of the interaction took me by surprise in dramatic ways. but i’m done fighting.)

i’m a little worried about my neck/back! it’s really jacked. i may need to try an actual hot bath. soak in that bad boy. try sleeping on the other side of the bed tonight. i was up at 2:30 and eventually in tears i was in such pain. pain that wouldn’t go away no matter what i did with pillows or how i lay, i couldn’t get away from it, chased me out into the living room and was just racking my neck like razor strings were tugging on my bones. you get claustrophobic that you can’t move your head all the ways you are used to so you strain more and the pain just increases and you want to flail around in frustration but you know it would just drop you to your knees so you fall there anyway because everyone else is asleep and the silence only gives the pain more room to fill up and you just want to sleep too, would be sleeping but not for the pain that has grown in your neck for three days and is now rooted deeper into your system than a two a.m. dream state.  all i know is this has to stop. if it doesn’t get better than tonight will be hell! but i’ll do that bath thing and take some ibuprofen before bed. i wonder if i need a new computer chair. something.