vacant or not

i’ve spent a little time reading online and it seems that bank of america has been one of the banks that has realized the unfairness of the chexsystem lockdown, or the indiscriminate nature in which it can effect people. what i read, if true (link above) is encouraging. i guess i will pay that $500 and start the clock rolling. there’s even a bank of america here. so it’s not as extreme and clearcut as the WaMu person made it sound. (edit: before we get feeling too kindly about B.o.A., read this.)

good.

i didnt get too deep into it, though i think i gave a good idea in my last post how that incident affected me. not to sound overlydramatic (tho why not? i am!) but there was a certain point in my life. i think it was 1996 or so. i think of it as a nadir. not to be too smug, because for all i know, one could lay in my future! but…never in the same way. i’ll tell you the story sometime when i feel like diving into that mess again. it was right around then, and i made a major mental shift. i was living in a way where i just didn’t care. things were fucked up in a few ways, and i think i was working like a wrecking ball. swinging back. not really out for much, just reacting. echoing. swinging. and because of that as well as valid concerns about the culture, the whole society game was far from my heart and hands. didnt want to touch it. cared nothing for all the measures of success it would bestow. status, money, brand names, titles, positions, accolades, credit reports, degrees, i was like fuck that.

my bills are late they keep sending me statements
i’m making a statement by not making payments

—Jin, Determination, from I Promise

sometimes its not fair to look back and think we can sum it all up, think we can understand. the view changes as we change…its hard to be so definitive. but aside from whatever else it was, some of this was a reaction. to a lot of things in my youth. and at a certain point since suicide wasn’t working out, i decided i wanted to go in a diferent direction. and i began to focus my fire.

since then, in many ways, i have achieved things with that focus. community college, NYU, honor rolls/president’s lists/grants, quit smoking, got published, finally joined a dojang, got better tools for my art, worked on my own attitude and awareness and behaviors, got this got that, its not important, the entire laundry list. the fact is that i think of myself as an indomitable spirit, and on the rise. and i am.

the bank thing felt like a punch in the face that dropped me to my knees. in public. i didnt see it coming, and it broke my stride, i missed a step, thought i’d miss the next step. staggered, heard a ringing in my ears.

man plans, god laughs.
—my nana, who died this year

i dont let myself “get depressed.” no dispersion on anyone clinically diagnosed (its not hard to to, i was at one point long ago), but i just dont go there. to me the state includes a heavy serving of hopelessness and helplessness. i dont do “helpless” anymore. i dont to “hopeless” anymore. its a very nasty feeling to me. i’m just explaining my overall approach.

of course i’m human. with the range of emotions that includes. and i’ve been feeling good, i’ve been feeling very good the last year or so. putting my writing and art and energy online has resulted in many positive opportunities and jobs and scenarios. and as i said. i dont rest. i work very very hard. i burn hot. i begin in the dark in the morning early and work pretty hard for as long as i can until all the energy is gone. i’m an “i can do it” person, a “just try and stop me” kind of person. none of the scenarios in my life now—MTV vlogger for OR, acting jobs, art jobs, new media consulting situations, published here and there, invited on radio shows—floated to me as a gift. i worked my ass off to tractorbeam that shit over to me.

i couldnt see a way around the bank obstacle. and it reduced me to a helpless role. a dependent role. and that really was upsetting. very much so. for a night. and then this morning i got online and read up. and as you see, it’s not quite as bad as i thought.

and i’m still me. good morning.

let’s go back to jin, for somethin hot to drop in ya coffee.

i’m so determined yeah the fires burning inside of me
i want it so bad i think of it every night when i sleep
and when i wake up in the morning its on my mind as well
and if you dont think i can do it you can all go to hell

of course i want to be a household name
have a mouthful of gold, ice out, chains, and arrange
a lifestyle of fame and entertainment
i’m aiming to have my name engraved in pavement

i want the throne so bad its aching
don’t care if its vacant or not, i’m a take it
i’m on the grind like jamaicans
watch how far a bit of determination will take ‘em

i stay two levels above you
while you in the basement
i’m in the attic like
‘come on if you chasing’

after we battle they’ll wonder where your face went
i put a JIN logo there now that’s product placement!
i’m so close i can taste it
i’m a keep doing what i do while you lay and stay complacent

mind ya own business and stay out of mine
the way everybody watch me you’d think i’m out of time
i’m the truth, i ain’t hot on the proof
i don’t expect you to see what i see from the other side of the booth

let me explain what it’s like when i’m in front of a mic
my blood boils sort of like i’m ready to fight, a’ight?
i’m not the physical type but lyrically
i might make it so you don’t walk the rest of your life

see that’s JIN, i’m determined to win
let me put it in terms easier for you to comprehend

you wanna know how bad i wanna be on top?
just picture a crackhead who wants to be on rocks
or all these little rappers who wanna be like pac
i just wanna do everything they say i cannot

it is not over
it is not over

—Jin, Determindation, from I Promise