scene three, act nine

my days run one into the other
i’m so busy i haven’t even had time to clean my studio room lately and its piling up around me
the acting gig is behind me, and i’m deep into two other projects
the book illos for mazatlán, and the site redesign for the org blog
of course there are like three or four other things, smaller things, hanging back in the wings
but looming still
the cat from El Centro, the mexican newspaper got back to me and R.
seems we’re still on for the column, which is cool
we’ll know for sure late feb
seems a lot is rolling up mid/late feb

join me in hoping the WGA strike ends soon. there is good reason!

i’m so glad i brought so many changes of ties and two shirts and a jacket to the set. they were pretty happy with me. but that’s acting 101! you know what i like about acting? dig.

i am very often a person in control. i am decisive, i am opinionated, i am often a strong energy that gets people listening in public when i begin talking. in crisis, i know how to get moving and take charge. i will listen to others and consider new input and change my angle, but for the most part am focused on my own vision. as an artist and writer, i am constantly funneling the world and events through my lens and deciding how it should be seen, and how to get that across. in other words, i am quite like a director.

but being an actor takes you away from that. you must become patient. you must wait. you must be open. you must be listening. you must be focused on your vision, but mostly ready to flip or pivot when given adjustment or fed new reaction or energy of others. you must be true to yourself, but allow that you cannot see the whole picture. you must be humble. you must remain nimble. you must remain sensitive.

so perhaps like a top in life will sometimes be a bottom in private, acting gives me a chance to take a break from my normal approach. and for someone like me, this is necessary. i am a melange, a mosaic, a shapeshifter. the death of my heart is static positions. the breath in my art is change. and that’s another reason why acting really appeals to me. you are different people, in different lives, different costumes, and different faces. all the time. this was made for me. i was made for this. i want to do everything, be limited by nothing

acting also forces me to confront clots in my own psychic energy. it was when i went to film school that i realized how scary acting was. because it requires vulnerability and letting your guard drop. acting is, in fact, one the most terrifying things i’ve ever attempted. and it began in the courses i took there. (actually i began acting as a child, in these little drama groups, very early. and then nothing for a while…on and off until NYU, but that was when i really dove in.)

and in film school when writing scripts, i also found that i couldnt write subtext for characters properly without understanding my own subtext, without hearing my inner voices for what they were saying and for what they were avoiding saying. and seeing past my blind spots and facing all of me. film school was amazing for me like martial arts study was. because it is a metaphor that allows you to get at the spiritual and psychic goo that makes you you.

in tae kwon do, when i got on the mat to spar, nobody saw the ghosts that walked out with me. and i went not to gain that trophy, but to stare down early traumas of violence. i was respected even by belts above me because i was one of the fastest if not the fastest in my dojang. but i was twice as scared as my sparring partner usually. it was a huge step for me to get out there and fight. it recalled past wars and lost pints of blood, it recalled shattered skulls and death of joy. it was not about a belt or a point or even the padded gloves. it was about stopping running and standing up to the shadows that drag one down and back. acting is like this too, sometimes.

scared and scarred as i am i remain a warrior and i live to fight. not so i can conquer, but so i can live.

and play. drums and brass on the fringe of the fray.