i am that rhythm

ecause my constant challenge is to out the lies that i tell to myself, is to shrug off the fabric of illusion upon which i insist, request, and manufacture daily. to not fear “what i truly know,” as nietszche said how many of us have the courage for what we truly know or something to that effect. a constant unpeeling. a constant braving. this is the job of the artist. a constant destruction. of the shape you just spent time and energy creating or convincing yourself was real. a constant enactment of the “all singing all dancing crap of the universe” as tyler durden said, fragmenting, fracturing, flying, feeling your way as hungry seed, taking root and blooming and growing and shedding fruit and rotting and fragmenting, fracturing, flying, feeling your way as hungry seed, taking root and blooming. needs so much energy. concentration. (ultimately, nobody else cares about your explanation so tell your stories to yourself, and listen patiently as you do) in addition, society’s general conversation is toxic. rife with “corrupt sectors,” data and threads that would tie one to the hive, pressure a mind to adopt the common lenses, to conform—the anti-job of the artist—and to corrode.

too much time is spent explaining, convincing, excusing, pretending. society and public life demands a persona tied in too many ways to that magnetic field of expectation/philosophy/demand for conformity, i dont know that i really have much to do with it to tell the truth. it goes on automatic, but it still takes a lot of energy. some quote by schopenhaeur. spending nine tenths of your energy convicing others you are something you are not, bending to expectations, being what they want. paraphrasing.

i get braver as i progress. nobody is holding me back. life continually amazes me. refuses to stay as small as i imagine it to be. it’s a beautiful, horrible, tragic, breathtaking place. it’s all too much for me, almost all the time, and i know that no matter what anyone says or does, i’m going to burn up and dash myself all over the rocks of this world. bleed as water and acid and wine, etch a sign into the wood, the rock, the soil, change something for a moment, and then fall apart. fragment. fracture. and fly away.

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You’re currently reading “i am that rhythm,” an entry on house of nezua

Published:: 12.22.07 / 8am

Category:: arte

☚ hey nineteen | ☛ shape

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i’m a fly in the blouse of god. i’m a flake of fishscale in the house of nod. i’m a deep sleeping sprout that she snuck in the soil just before the weedkiller saturated the sod.

(Also see here.)

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RC 12.22.07 / 11am

In truth, I read your work because I do care about your explanation. It helps me to recognize my own. Thanks and take care of your Infinite Self.
I am reminded of the poem about peeling away the layers of the onion until…

Nezua 12.22.07 / 11am

i hear you. if i were to get too specific there, it would stop the flow of my thought. but really in that instance i meant that when your art takes you away from people, they often just want you to come back or to know whats “wrong” with you. explaining that you need the time or space to develop your art or that your process requires you to not be connected to them in an expected way, that rarely satisfies those types of complaint. so it is incumbent upon you to know that you have valid reasons and to reinforce, internally, your right to operate upon them.

but thank you.

A viewpoint bien amola’o. I understand precisely. I’ve been single for 16 years for the same reason. It’s easier on everyone this way.

i think i was often too lonely to remain single earlier in my life, but if i had known myself better, i might’ve done the same as you, and for the same reasons.

RC 12.22.07 / 12pm

I wish I could improve my defective personality, but having failed at that, I feel much better not inflicting it upon others. At a certain point, having had children and survived that economic and emotional struggle, and not having the will to do it again at a later age {I am so glad I decided to do that early even though I was often broke} the number of available females where I live that fall into the right age group is miniscule so with the two factors together being single works.
I know there is probably something wrong with me, but for at least 15 years now I never feel lonely. I do have lots of family and even my exes that I often communicate with so that may be all I need.
Indeed, at least once a year someone gets really interested in me and it make me VERY uncomfortable. One gets to the point where isolation is what one is used to and what one prefers. It is even a form of happiness.

i am that rhythm

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